It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Jannik Sinner wins Wimbledon, gets revenge on Alcaraz. Meanwhile, Iga Swiatek dominates American Amanda Anisimov in first perfect final since 1911. Oh well. If you’re gonna lose, might as well make it in historic fashion.
Japan sets Internet speed record with 1.02 petabits per second. Gonna go ahead and trust you guys that that’s super fast. Please use your powers for good, Japan and stream your best game shows to all of us abroad.
Ghislaine Maxwell is willing to speak to Congress about Epstein files amid DOJ’s controversial handling of the case. Love the idea of an editor working on V4 of the prison video. “Updated version - please share feedback before I circulate to the American public!”
Kraft-Heinz is considering splitting up its business. If these two can’t make it work, none of us can. I haven’t been this upset by a company break-up since Cellino and Barnes parted ways. Shoutout to the best play ever.
Superman takes home $122M in opening weekend, sets record for highest solo opening in franchise history. Impressive. I’m still saving my money for the new Smurfs movie so I can see wtf John Goodman is talking about here.
BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT: Daily Friday has entered the podcast world. Finally…another podcast.
Dropping every Friday, hosted by yours truly, and featuring hilarious guests from Almost Friday and the rest of Al Gore’s Internet, it will single-handedly turn your life around. Probably. First episode drops Friday, but until then, follow us on Spotify and YouTube.
Thanks fam. Back to the news.
MLB: MR. MET HAS FALLEN AT A LUMINEER’S CONCERT. I REPEAT, MR. MET HAS FALLEN AT A LUMINEER’S CONCERT. If this doesn’t convince Mrs. Met to leave his sorry ass, nothing will.
Mrs. Met is way too caked up to be with a guy like that. She deserves way better
Home Run Derby is scheduled for tonight. If you’re not hammering the Big Dumper at +280, you simply don’t understand how the world works.
Extremely satisfying watch: umpires ruled Davis Schnedier’s home run as a foul ball (incorrectly IMO) and he immediately follows up with another HR.
Round 1 of the MLB draft wrapped up yesterday as the Nationals took a 17 year old with the #1 pick (youngest ever!), Matt Holliday has a second son drafted in the top 5, and the cocaine celebration kid goes to the Mets. He’s gonna love NY.
HORSES: Is there anything more electric than a jockey foot race? They should let the horses bet on this next time. Reminds me of this Ricky Bobby scene (sadly with no kissing at the end 😔.)
GOLF: It’s a good day to be Jimmy Rollins, who got his first ever hole-in-one and won a boat in a prom-am tournament.
BASKETBALL: Is France the new basketball capital of the world? I’m thinking it might be after seeing this 17 year old girl absolutely YAM one home.
Going to use this Luka video every time my future son has a baseball tournament. If you think I’m wasting my Saturday on amateur shit like that, you don’t know me bud.
Klay Thompson has hard-launched his relationship with Megan Thee Stallion. This is what counts for sports news in July, guys. So close to football.
We can all only hope to find a love like this one day
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
BREAKING: Bryan Johnson has just set another boner record, this time holding wood for 3 hours and 36 minutes. Say what you wanted, but being bricked for longer than the Wimbledon final is just impressive. No one in the erection community is doing it like BJ.
Does THIS look like a man who tracks his own erection data? Actually, yeah, it really does.
Here’s a take: we need WAY more escaped lions in Rochester, NY if we’re going to get witness statements from this guy. Genuinely one of the best videos I’ve ever seen.
Legitimately feels like a Chappelle Show sketch. Well done
Important hypothetical: who would win in a race, this robot rocking a Manny from Modern Family fit or JD Vance at Disneyland after he heard there’s an unfucked couch nearby? Odds are opening at Robot -125, but expect some line movement.
Actually on board with the robot revolution if they’re gonna be getting off fits like this. Clearly trained on hundreds of hours of Adam Sandler footage.
An UNO Social Club is launching in Vegas, with card-themed hotel suites and the ability to play high-stakes UNO for money. Time to empty the 401k, sell all my blood plasma, and lose my entire net worth ($1,142) after a rogue Draw 4 card goes wrong.
This is the new Wild West Saloon. Expect duels to increase 10x in Vegas.
Conor McGregor sent unsolicited dick pics to Azelia Banks over IG with dumbbells attached to his penis. A sentence I truly never thought I’d write at a paying job.
These two are perfect for each othe
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
Hell of a way to start off the week. Set the tone from the first whistle.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
How did these guys make a Bill Ackman 30 for 30 tennis parody so goddam fast? Incredible stuff.
Read this on your lunch break: Logo Tattoos: How Late Stage Capitalism Came for our Body Art.
Tom and Jerry edits consistently go so goddam hard. Can’t stop watching.
This JoJo Siwa cover of Bette Davis Eyes changed my life forever. This deep dive on her entire career changed it once again. Truly fascinated by her.
Pretty jealous of this lady who found out she was a world-class diver at the age of 40 after taking one beginner’s class. Sort of my dream, tbh.
It’s Monday. Fuck it. One hour of the best of Bobby Bottleservice.
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