It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Spain beats Argentina to win World Cup, holding Messi and crew to 0 shots on goal during regulation. This is going to look glorious over my bed. What a beautiful 39 days it’s been. No clue what we’re gonna do until football season.
The Odyssey opens to a massive $264M global box, the biggest opening of Nolan’s and silencing the ‘controversies’ based on a 90 second trailer. If you can’t afford an IMAX ticket, this is an excellent way to get in with your crew.
39-year-old Ryan Fox wins Open Championship, buries a birdie putt on 18 to hold off Cam Young, who had a brutal flight home (if this doesn’t motivate you, nothing will.) Personally, I loved Rory going off on Bryson like this (btw - what kind of world are we living in where this was his first call?)
Two North Dakotan men discover through DNA test they were switched at birth 38 years ago, sue hospital for ‘robbing them of the lives they were supposed to lead.’ That sucks, but at least you’ll get a generational bag in that lawsuit and probably even 2 Christmases. Kinda wish it happened to me tbh.
Andy Burnham becomes UK’s 7th Prime Minister in 10 years, a job with more turnover than a Browns starting QB. Burnham is the ex-mayor of Greater Manchester and known as the ‘King of the North,’ which means he’ll most likely sleep with his aunt and die twice by the end of his term. (spoilers, sorry.)
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
You know it’s going to be an amazing week when it’s barely even Monday and we’ve already got ourselves a new breed of monkey in the DR Congo known as the Colobus Congoensis Monkey. Hell yes. Finally, some innovation that excites.
Unreal cheekbones. Clavicular would die for these.
There’s commitment and then there’s the lovely lady who poisoned her husband, went to jail, got out, and then tried to poison him again. As someone who has started and quit multiple hobbies and fitness routines this year, I’m jealous of her dedication.
Perhaps she was doing a classic Battle of Wits and mistakenly switched the chalices. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
Arizona man gets arrested after surfing naked on a moving locomotive and telling police he loves “vodka, beer and playing the banjo.” DIdn’t see one crime mentioned. Good to know we are officially living in a dictatorship.
Sidenote - it’s pretty crazy how common fighting on a train is in movies. Has that ever happened in real life? It seems super hard to pull off.
A rural New York school has teamed up with a sex doll company to deploy a ‘lifelike’ robot teaching assistant named Sally (who is super duper hot btw) to high school classrooms this fall. Can’t see a single way this goes wrong.
This might actually increase enrollment and fix declining literary rates, at least for male students. Might be on board
We featured this hero a few weeks back for his performance during a school talent show, but the bird calling kid has hit the timeline again. I watch this video every time it crosses my desk and you should too.
Here’s some classic bird calling humor for you guys. Don’t ever say I do nothing for you
Who's Having the Best Monday?
SWEETGREEN IS MAKING SOME SWEEET GREEN
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
Diarrhea parasite was the best thing to happen to Sweetgreen in years
Salutations, diarrhea-plagued toiletmaxxers. Good news for salad eaters is often bad news for taco eaters, but not this time.
On Friday, salad slop bowl solarium Sweetgreen saw shares soar significantly (15%, in fact)… Mostly because the explosive outbreak of cyclosporiasis (also known as poopy poop diarrhea disease) was finally traced to the headquarters of most cases of porcelain cracking: Taco Bell.
Turns out, the CDC has uncovered that iceberg lettuce from Taco Bell was the culprit of the Titanic levels of sinking (and floating) browns that plagued vegans everywhere.
And while I’ve personally been shorting any company unrelated to sharting since 2017 (long, bloody story), it’s good to know that beta salad eaters are able to go out in public again.
Many will poop pants. Few will trust farts. Poop that again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I know it sounds easy but, naming 5 Europeans is actually super hard. Not for the faint of heart.
Kyle Gordon’s new song ‘White Guys When They Go to Africa’ is so goddam good. Fuck it, time to crank Planet of the Bass for the 10,000th time.
As someone who makes it his mission to consume every single piece of content ever posted on the Internet, I might need a stay at Vibecamp, the IRL meetup for the terminally online. Seems chill.
This deep dive into a legendary, 3 star Michelin restaurant in Japan is a fun way to 26 minutes at work today. Don’t mind if I do.
A post-mortem on NYC’s weed underground was a great read. As was this article on when AI becomes a member of the family. Reading is cool guys.
It’s Monday. Let’s strive for Muhammad Ali-level excellence this week. Hands down the greatest trash talker of all time.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
