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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Scheffler wins The Open in heartwarming finish, gets the 3rd leg of a career Grand Slam. This Tiger stat is genuinely insane. Sucks that Scottie’s probably depressed as hell today about it. Chin up, bud.
Chevron completes $53B Hess acquisition after beating Exxon Mobil in a legal dispute over offshore oil. Finally, a win for Big Oil. No one deserves it more.
The CEO of Roblox wants to add a dating site to its platform. Honestly, if you are an adult using Roblox, your only chance of meeting someone may be another adult on Roblox. I support this.
A Thai woman arrested after seducing Buddhist monks and then blackmailing them to the tune of over $11M, money she later blew on online gambling. Queen shit. Should’ve been the plot of White Lotus Season 3.
Alaska Airlines forced to ground entire fleet for 3 hours after an IT outage. Meanwhile a Delta flight burst into flames after take-off yesterday. This is what happen when you snub The Rehearsal. The first plagues of many.
Happy Shark Week, everyone. Does anyone actually still care about this anymore? Would personally prefer a Hippo Week (get hyped for Hump Day) but the lame-stream media refuses to support the semi-aquatic mamma community. Sad!
WNBA: Love this move by Kelsey Plum during a press conference to throw Caitlin Clark under the bus for no real reason. Beef puts asses in the seats.
Wearing this shirt to the office today and actually getting a reduced salary
MLB: How in the good fuck did this throw happen? Still trying to wrap my head around it. This angle is even crazier. Just pure arm strength.
Johnny Damon makes his return to prime-time with a vicious toss in a pro wrestling match. Good to see you back, Mr. Damon.
If you’re gonna race The Freeze, you’re gonna have to do way better than this. Dude didn’t even have to work up a sweat. He needs to be pushed to greatness.
UFC: Dustin Poirier loses in his final match to Max Holloway, ends UFC career that include 2 wins over McGregor. Please don’t follow in his footsteps post retirement.
FOOTBALL: We are 10 days away from the first pre-season game. This flag football catch might just be enough to sustain me, at least through today.
NBA: Hornets win NBA Summer League for the first title of ANY kind in franchise history. Charlotte is officially the new title town. Congrats gentlemen.
Marcus Smart joining the Lakers is kind of blowing my mind a bit. He’s gonna haze Bronny’s balls off.
Chris Paul returns to the Clippers for his final season. He’s gonna have to learn an entirely new secret locker room route for their new stadium. Seems like a nightmare.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
New fear unlocked: man dies after getting sucked into an MRI machine while wearing a 20 pound workout chain with padlock. That’s some Final Destination shit right there.
Yeah, never going into one of these again (I don’t have health insurance or money)
Going to start hospitalizing myself regularly so I can get routinely woken from anesthesia by this therapy horse playing a beautiful piano sonnata. If anyone wants to come over this afternoon and beat me within an inch of my life, that’d be super helpful.
PLAY US A SONG, YOU’RE THE PIANO HORSE
Katy Perry was supposed to die on that SpaceX flight and now Death is trying to take her soul by any means possible, including flying butterfly prop malfunction. She is un-killable and he will not rest until he has her. Immovable object vs. unstoppable force.
Death has met his match with Ms. Perry. The war between these two powerful entities will split the very fabric of the universe as we know it
Summer intern was fired from an NYC law firm after biting multiple coworkers and roaring at them. I guess being hungry and craving a little snack is a fireable offense now? Just take the head of HR to a Coldplay concert and you’ll get your job back ASAP.
Just a perfect image right here. Is this what’s been going on in the new Suits spin off? Might have to give it a chance
Ben Affleck, if you’re reading this, let me apologize: I thought it was silly to get back with J-Lo but after seeing this performance, I completely understand. All is forgiven.
This is some of the best work she’s done, second only to voicing one of the ants in 1998 masterpiece Antz. Thank you Ms. Lopez.
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
Just incredible work going on over at the CBTM Spotify comments. This week’s episode with Willy D is a banger, with the lads talking some elite moves and helping a mystery caller get his boy’s stoke back. Check that shit out.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Remarkable work on this LA Kings schedule release video from Empty Netters. Adding ‘toothless hillbilly’ to my list of go-to insults.
Read this on your lunch break: No One on TV is Hanging Out Anymore.
The Please Don’t Destroy guys from SNL just dropped a full hour-long special on YouTube of their sketch tour and it’s fucking hilarious. Nice little watch.
Incredible read on what happens once we spot the asteroid that will hit the Earth. Hoping it happens soon - really can’t take much more.
This was genuinely impressive. Bravo, boys.
It’s Monday and the dog days of summer. Take a deep dive on The Ringer’s best movies and shows of 2025 to fill the void.
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