It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.

  1. Fantastic Four takes home $118M in opening weekend, receives an 88% on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s a big win for Marvel, but not nearly as big as it’s record setting $80 popcorn bucket. Certainly one way to spend your money.

  2. Tea app takes a big hit over the weekend, as the app that allows women to anonymously rate men gets hacked by 4Chan, as thousands of users have their data and photos leaked. Hell hath no fury like a Reddit user scorned.

  3. A rare interstellar object the size of Manhattan could be an alien space probe that is planning an attack on Earth in November, according to scientists. I swear to god, if they ruin football season, I’m gonna kill these aliens myself.

  4. You can Venmo the United Sates treasury to help pay off the $36T debt. You can also Venmo me to help pay off my Klarna debt, which is nearly as high. I’ll most likely have to sell my firstborn to Chipotle if this doesn’t get fixed ASAP.

  5. An American Airlines Boeing 737 aborted takeoff in Denver this weekend, as landing gear collapsed and caught fire. Pretty scary, but at least they got to use the emergency slide - always been a dream of mine.

DARTS: 18 year old Luke Littler takes home the World Matchplay Darts final to win the Triple Crown in absolutely electric fashion. That’s my GOAT.

Bringing the Jordan shrug to darts. The man is an icon.

MLB: Ichiro delivered one of the greatest speeches ever at his HoF induction ceremony. Good excuse to take a deep dive into his career: this stat is insane but not as insane as his bunting skills. One of one.

This Athletics announcer knows an important mantra: if you’re going to be bad at your job, at least be memorably bad. I’ll never forget this HR call.

Was this HR by Alex Jackson viral marketing for Happy Gilmore 2 or just another sign of the times for Rockies nation? More investigation is needed.

JumboTron footage confirms: cheating and polyamory is WIDESPREAD in the baseball mascot community. Find God, all of you.

NFL: If this is the actual reason Christian Wilkins got released from the Raiders, that’s one of the funniest things of all time. A man can’t tickle his coworker’s toes these days?

NBA: Wish I cared about anything as much as Jokic cares about his horse. The entire NBA season is just one long pain in the ass until it’s Serbian horse race time.

I had to see this LaMelo Ball Hot Chee-Toes tattoos and now so do you guys.

Looks delicious. Just wanna gobble those puppies up.

LET’S LUCY

Look how happy this guy is. Just saying

Lucy is intelligent nicotine for adults, designed by scientists to deliver the most satisfying nicotine experience, and ALWAYS Tobacco Free. Whether you use nicotine to enhance focus, boost your energy, or relax: there’s a Lucy for you.

Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Is there anyone more magnanimous than the Rizzler? Offering up his free time to help babysit these ordinary citizens and make their wildest dreams come true is a kindness that few in this world are capable of.

Apparently these men are in a show called Dexter? I’ve never heard of it.

Thank you to Nintendo for coming out and saying that Mario and Miss Peaches are ‘just friends’ who ‘help each other when they can.’ Would’ve loved if they could tell us which of their characters are fucking. I know Bowser is into some freaky shit.

Shoutout to Mario. Getting friend-zoned in a massively public setting is a rite of passage for every man. At least in my experience. This will eventually make you stronger, but first will make your drinking problem much, much worse.

Serial ‘butt sniffer’ has been arrested once again for giving people’s butts a big ol’ whiff and inhale in public. I’m just now learning this is illegal. Going to have to make some serious changes in my life.

I’d love to see where in the lawbook there is a rule that states you can’t do this.

A woman who stopped to let a chicken cross the road allegedly attacked another driver with bear mace for speeding by her and killing the chicken. Can you blame her? This feels like some sort of riddle or set-up to a dad joke that the other driver ruined.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To incite a road rage incident that leads to a man nearly being blinded by bear mace to raise bear mace brand awareness.

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MONDAY MOVE

Absolutely locked in move right here. The only thing that would push this sucker over the top? Listening to today’s episode of the Could Be the Move podcast featuring yours truly as a guest.

We and Bobby chatted thumbing through a local paper, airport lounges and golf gloves in the pool. Great way to kick off the week.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

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