It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.
Joey Chestnut gives dominating performance, gobbles down 70.5 glizzies during his return to the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. This string of records is genuinely insane. Usain Bolt wouldn’t stand a chance FWIW.
DOJ and FBI conclude that Jeffrey Epstein had ‘no client list’ and did indeed die by suicide. We definitely believe you guys and don’t question this at all. All-time gaslighting from Kash Patel.
Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osbourne play their final show, perform in the town where the band was originally formed. Love that. Meanwhile, Oasis performs their first show in 16 years. When one door closes, another opens.
China’s first Legoland opens in Shanghai, was built with 85 million Lego bricks. Definitely do not walk barefoot here - that’s a LOT of opportunities to step on one. Time to start budgeting for Rusty’s next How Cool trip.
Love Island cast member Cierra Ortega exits show after past racist IG posts emerge. The show has now become the #2 ranked streaming show in the world thanks to viewing parties like these. I’m all the way in #teampepeandiris
NBA: Chris Paul has announced that next year will likely be his last year in the NBA. An incredible 20 year career. Top 5 point guard, Top 1 meme guy.
Genuinely think this may be his lasting legacy
Big three-team-trade this morning as Normal Powell heads to Miami, John Collins goes to the Clippers and Kevin Love, Kevin Anderson and a Clippers second round pick head to the Jazz. Rare trade where I don’t get why any of teams would do this.
BASEBALL: Gotta give a shoutout to Alvin Kamara, who messed up his first pitch at the Cubs game so bad that he threw another one. Exactly what I’d do in that situation.
Let’s bring the Korean Baseball 5th inning cig break to the MLB. Get a sponsor and call it The Marlboro Minute (or Camel Crush Chill Time?) and it’ll pay for itself.
Fuck Lebron or Brady level longevity. I’m trying to get like Spaceman Lee, who came in to pitch at age 78 for the Savannah Bananas and got an out.
CYCLING: The Tour De France starts this week, which makes it as good a time as any to rewatch Tour De Pharmacy. All-time John Cena performance here.
TENNIS: Carlos Alcarez is simply not a real person. He reminds me of myself on the egg toss arena (the highest level of compliment available to a competitive athlete.)
Thank you to Morgan Stanley for opening your heart and giving Ben Shelton’s sister a few extra days off this week. You’re singlehandedly keeping American tennis afloat.
Fan Duel knew exactly what they were doing here
IT’S A FACTOR MEAL SUMMER
Summer comes only once a year. Don’t waste it by spending hours cooking inside. Hop on the Factor train: chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meals ready to go in just 2 minutes.
With 45 weekly menu options, there’s bound to be gourmet meals that tickle your fancy.
Personally, as part of my yearly journey to be Jacked by late-July, I’m all aboard the Calorie Smart menu options. Delicious breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners and more. It’s got all my meals covered and gives me one less thing to worry about every day.
Plus, if you start today, you can get 50%. All the flavor, none of the fuss.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Two male penguins named Scampi and Flounder are raising a chick together at a UK Zoo. Beautiful. It better not be a viral marketing stunt for a new Parks and Rec spinoff or an I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry sequel or I’ll be pissed.
Kevin James is one of the most under-rated artists of our generation. Argue with a wall.
After hearing this story about how he was rescued from drowning in the ocean by a pod of kindly porpoises, I have figured out how Dick Van Dyke has lived to age 99: he is a confirmed warlock sent to bring joy to the human race. Thank you sir.
Dancing barefoot at 99 years old in a Coldplay music video. He really is the best of us
While turning 26 does have its downsides (off your parent’s insurance, it’s definitely weird you still go to college parties, you finally experience knee pain, etc.) there is one plus: you can have a wild night of passion with the 49 year old Charlize Theron.
The 26-year-old could easily be Lonnie Walker IV. Not ruling it out.
Big week for the Kentucky man who won a $167M lottery, then immediately got arrested after a fight at a St. Pete’s Beach, his 25th (!!) arrest in the last 30 years. Life lesson: good things happen to good people. At least he’ll be the richest man in prison.
Yeah he looks exactly like you think he would
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
Here’s another move for you: catching up on the latest episodes of the Could Be the Move podcast. Bobby and Zach break down elite wedding moves, jogging etiquette and more on this week’s installment. Glue all around.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Another banger from Eilise has hit the timeline. As is written.
Read this on your lunch break: Are The Phones Actually Ruining Teens Lives or Is it Something Else?
The Baddie Performance Index is the only stat I’m trusting next NBA season.
This was a good read on Squid Game Season 3 and the rise of the Ghost Show. Anyone else have zero clue that this was out?
Good lord, this Norway national anthem is ethereal as hell. Might change it to my alarm clock and wake up feeling haunting beautiful every morning.
It’s Monday. This week, let’s focus on one small, achievable goal: bringing back male dancing like these fellas. That’s what it’s all about.
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