It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Taylor Farms recalls a dozen items, including salsa and guacamole, amid salmonella outbreak, just weeks after their diarrhea lettuce disaster. At least it’s not Italy, where extreme heat could destroy the Parmiggiano Reggiano cheese industry and destabilize banks. What the hell is going on??
Perseid meteor shower is expected to arrive Weds. night, will coincide with a total solar eclipse across Spain, Iceland and Greenland. Sounds incredible. Perfect time to stare directly at the sky like this guy.
Stock market approaches an all-time high, while oil prices with uncertainty surrounding the Strait of Hormuz and Iran negotiations. I’ll be honest- I never got around to learning what any of this means & assumed it would have gone away by now. Can someone help? Can I retire or not?
Buffalo Bills stadium finally opens to the public and let’s just say this was $2.2 billion not well spent. Add it to the list of reasons why the Jets will win the AFC East this season, closely followed by Geno-Cade being the top 1-2 QB combo in NFL history. (Guys, we are the world’s #1 Jets forward, pop culture newsletter in America. If you don’t like it, unsubscribe at the bottom.)
Flight cancelled after toddler refuses to put seatbelt on, resisting several grown adult flight attendants (and parents.) Genuinely impressed by the force of will. Kid is going to either save the world or destroy it one day. Maybe both.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Maybe it’s just mid August, but I am absolutely locked in on the Pop-Darts championship. Nailing a T-Nobber to secure the title belt? That’s the stuff of dreams.
Where were you when Owen playmaker nailed a t-nobber in the 14U Pop-Darts national championship on ESPN 8 the ocho? Something to tell your children
This might be my favorite story of the year so far: a golden retriever was suffering from seizures that lost her spunk until her owners brought home a duck named Louie. The perfect intersection of dog, duck, and wholesome uplifting friendship content.
This better not be a staged story for an Aflac commercial, I swear to god
Soccer players get a hard time for flopping but after seeing this video of a dude leaping a barrier and falling down a massive tunnel in the ground after scoring, I’m willing to admit there is at least some danger involved. I’ll allow it.
While it looks accidental, he could be executing an elaborate jewelry heist. There’s no way of really knowing
It’s official: you can’t even shoot and kill a bear, butcher it in your dorm room and then cook it in the community kitchen anymore at Cornell. What’s even the point of going to college if you can’t skin big game in shared spaces?
Imagine coming back to your dorm at 2 am and walking in on 2 dudes skinning and entire bear and putting the remains into the fridge.
The guy who pulled off this scam at a member-member tournament in St. Louis that involved faking his grandma’s illness and pretending to get a hole-in-one is such a dickhead, but you have to admire how elaborate this plan was. All that for like $2k?
Faking a hole in one should make sure you never see the gates of Heaven. Some things are bigger than the game
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
SMART DONUT
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
Salutations, smart-donut eating spitters. My nephew Sam Altman’s latest breakthrough (the glass ceiling) is simply an Amazon Alexa, which is a brilliant way to make free money.
OpenAI’s first venture into hardware (not harder than me) has been announced, and it’s a smart donut (not that kind).
For $300, the permanent middle class can purchase a $300 speaker shaped like a donut with cameras and no display (not for snacking, much like delicious-looking potpourri).
The device, designed by my other nephew, Apple’s Jony Ives, will be like other AI devices but without having a screen or a cord or be wearable or be smart (as me).
Buy yours now to lock in your place in the consumer marketplace agenda.
Don’t eat that again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Shoutout to Willy D for making the viral song of the summer. This video is the perfect intersection of Mountain Dew and music that I so desperately crave.
Going inside the mind of PJ Tucker is a scary place. Courageous work here.
Kinda loved this brief history behind the Internet’s favorite scam: imprisoned nobles in other countries with desperate pleas for help. I wonder if that Nigerian prince ever figured his shit out.
The A24 trailer version of Chris Hansen but he’s hungry af is an all-timer. Kevin is the world’s #1 pizza based comedian.
If the Trail Blazers new owner’s goal was to piss off the entire city and be a total dick about everything this entire time he’s owned the team, he’s doing an A+ job. Sell the team king
I don’t know why this video is edited in this way, but this has gotta be one of the craziest stories of all time.
The American art of blowing stuff up is a great, long read about the Grucci family’s 6 generation as the First Family of Fireworks. Break the paywall here.
It’s Monday. Let’s get the week started on the right foot. Moneyball music to work like Billy Beane today.
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