It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Hayden Panettiere dies at 36, as the actress and musician passes away months after releasing her memoir. She’s been the GOAT ever since Remember the Titans. Sheryl Yoast knew more ball than the entire staff combined. RIP.
AP releases their first top 25 college football poll, with Ohio State and Oregon going 1-2 (second time the Big Ten’s had the top 2 preseason teams) and 9 SEC teams making the list. Just 11 more sleeps until Week Zero.
Walmart recalls tomato soup kits sold in 29 states due to a potential listeria contamination concern. Let’s be honest - if you’re having tomato bisque in mid August, you gotta call the soup addiction hotline. You have a problem.
Basketball HoF class inducted Saturday, as Candace Parker, referee Joey Crawford (dude HATES joy), Amar’e (always hated that apostrophe placement) D’Antonio and Doc are honored. I’d bet my life this girl makes it in 2046.
Phoebe Bridgers releases ‘Lost Weekend,’ her third solo album and first since dating OG YouTuber Bo Burnham. The only thing sadder than these songs is her trying to steal shine from a TRUE musician: Pat McAfee’s AI software.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Massive respect to Jinny Lu, the winner of this year’s World’s Ugliest Dog, who took home the crown after 5 years of failure. If Jinny can pick herself up off the mat, brush off failure and get uglier each and every year, you can get through work today.
it’s gotta be the tongue right? otherwise it’s just a pretty standard pug
I’m genuinely impressed by Jay Lucarelli, who played MVP ‘05 for a week straight until he finally threw a perfect game with Roy Oswalt while streaming it on Tik Tok live. Mankind is capable of anything we put our minds to. He is an inspiration to all.
I was fully addicted to this game when I was 12 until I threw a PS2 controller at the TV when I lost the HR derby and it broke and I was too scared to tell my parents so I just never had a working controller again
Folks, we got ourselves a full-blown assault during a high school soccer game. Ted Lasso would NOT approve of this. If they’d had this tradition in high school, this never would have happened.
Well son, you’re about as screwed as a lightbulb
Love the spirit from Jaxson Dart here, but it’s actually completely reasonable to go to the blue tent when you’ve been lying motionless on the ground for 3 minutes in a preseason football game. He and Cam are not gonna last more than 4 games this year.
Your daily remidner that Cade Klubnik is a top tier QB 2 in this league. 5-7 for 71 yards against the Bucs backups? Start building the statue now
Apparently Japan is fully a police state now after a man gets arrested for flying with 200 lizards stuffed inside 22 pairs of socks at the airport. If there’s no rule saying you can’t do this, then you should be able to do this. Air Bud logic.
Looks legitimately cozy as hell. I’d love to do something like this with my boys
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
SELENA SCAM?
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
Salutations, celebrity influencer consumers. My niece Selena Gomez is collecting lawsuits for business clout (my advice), which is how I became wealthy (after hitting rock bottom).
The (future-failed) mental health startup Wondermind faced essential startup challenges last year, including layoffs (my personal favorite) and missed payrolls (undeserved salaries, so what’s the problem?).
Now a group of investors is suing the Head Witch in Charge of Waverly Place for not sharing her social clout (404M Instagram followers) with Wondermind.
And for never developing the actual apps and products they promised (not required, technically).
I’ve advised Selena Gomez to sign an NDA. That way, a judge can’t make her talk, and the suit will be dismissed. I checked with my lawyer (my ChatGPT girlfriend).
Sue me again (don’t).
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
It’s always a pleasure having the good Rusty Featherstone stop by and discuss all things alien.
Read this on your lunch break: Whose Babies Are These? (Break the paywall here.)
Thank you to the Powers brother for getting me into the Red Rising books on the Empty Netters podcast. It’s a sci-fi summer (into early fall.)
The Lakers sale and the game above the game is a great Ringer read.
I’m between TV shows right now and just devoured this list of 50 most underappreciated shows of the 21st century for something to binge. Forgot how good Corporate was. (Patriot not being on this list is a crime.)
This is a good reminder how good we all have it in 2026. An ordinary apartment today would blow the mind of the average person 50 years ago.
It’s Monday. John from Survivor mashed up with Pink Pony Club. Let’s attack the week. Be great today.
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