It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
A humanoid robot beats Usain Bolt’s 100M dash record at the World Humanoid Robot Games, before slamming into a cushion at full speed, falling to the ground and getting carried out on a stretcher. Still not as impressive as this.
World’s oldest person Ethel Caterham turns 117 years old, shares that her secret to living longer is ‘never arguing with anyone.’ I completely disagree.
49ers owner Jed York arrested in prostitution sting after getting busted in East Palestine, Ohio. Not a ton else to do out there, to be fair. You have to assume Deshaun Watson is behind this. Only way this makes sense.
US-Canada tariff war heats up, as Trump threatens 50% tax on the Canadian car industry. Canada - you can tax whatever you want, but please don’t include your pop stars and shooting guards. We need those here.
Little League World Series reaches elimination round as Iowa throws a team no-hitter to win 1-0, with their SP hitting a solo HR and striking out 15. Very definition of carrying your team (brutal way to win though.)
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Erling Haaland has buzzed off his iconic long hair before the start of the Premier League. These are the stories we’re working with until real football starts.
he looks like the kid in elementary school who would bite people
Two most impressive things I saw this weekend: this robbed HR and the 6’1, 268 pound high school QB named Fatboy Jesus-Kapesi. That’s just special stuff.
Please, call me Fatboy. Mr. Jesus is my father
Massive respect for the Georgian police department that launched a manhunt to catch the old man who picked $30 up off of the grocery story floor. Excellent use of police time and resources.
This man is on the loose. Thank god we have a police state and Flock can track this monster down
Documentary reveals that Dane Cook’s half-brother stole over $12M from him and keep bricks of cash wrapped inside jars of pasta sauce. He better get a writing credit for Season 1 of The Bear. Might actually be able to pay him back after all.
Dane Cook kinda sucks but this movie was sneaky good. LOT of nudity in it. Just something you figure out as a 14 year old boy
Incredibly courageous performance by Scottie Scheffler, who battle through a golf tournament while he had hand, foot, mouth disease. That kind of shit would destroy an infant going to daycare for the first time, but he was totally fine. Genuine superhero.
What I like about Hand Foot Mouth Disease it’s super clear what areas of the body it’s impacting. Don’t even bother giving it a creative name, just run the damn ball.
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
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BUCC-EE’S GETS LITIGIOUS
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
Salutations, fans of beaver. My lawyers have been busy assisting with the monopolization of the economy (virtuous work). Too busy to sue you for me (you’re safe, for now).
My smelliest gas venture (not passing) Buc-ee’s is continuing the strategy that made me rich (suing the b*lls off of anyone who dares to commit business).
In our latest litigious triumph, Bucky Beav is suing “Beaver’s Mini Mart” in Ohio for daring to exist as a small business (should be illegal).
Read my lawyer’s lips: running a small convenience store is a criminal enterprise when it conflicts with my IPO (not announced).
Many will enjoy beaver. Few will defend it in court with their lives (paycheck) at stake.
Be few. Beaver.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
As someone who started a page literally called Work Retire Die, this week’s podcast episode on helping Gen Z find their career and direction in their 20s was right up my alley. Hits different on a Monday morning too.
Read this on your lunch break: The Chaos Machine Fueled by Prediction Markets.
God, nothing hits quite like a Joey Mulinaro college football commercial transition. We’re so close to football.
Nobody is Coming to Save You and Other Unintuitive Rules for Living Well is a great compilation of posts to fire you up for the week.
Heartwarming to see a grown man in his 30s take home two decanter sets from Dave & Busters on his birthday. This will heal the world.
I’m glad I grew up in a generation with (slightly less) pay-to-play sports leagues. Or maybe it existed and I just sucked too much to be asked to join. Point is, this seems brutal. Bring back Cal Ripken league. (Break the paywall here.)
Matt Light making the rest of the Patriots offensive line laugh. Just because.
What would happen if America went dark?? Nothing good!!
It’s Monday. Let’s get the week off on the right foot with the best moments from Hot Tub Time Machine. One of the most underrated movies in movie history.
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