It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Tommy Fleetwood gets his first ever Tour victory after 40+ top 10 finishes and multiple heart-breaking losses, wins the PGA Tour championship. No one deserves it more than this guy does. Hell yeah.
‘KPop Demon Hunters’ gives Netflix box-office W, making $16M+ during this weekend while their album hits #1 on Spotify. Take notes Chalamet: drop an album for Marty Supreme. Oscar guaranteed.
Cambridge Dictionary adds 6,000 new words, including skibidi, delulu, tradwife, lewk, and work wife. I’m hoping that one day my future child’s first sentence will contain all of these. I love you already, Daily Friday Jr.
Powerball hits $750M before tonight’s drawing, currently good for the 10th largest ever and slightly more than the OnlyFans founder took home this year. These are the only two ways to make it in America and I find that perfect.
Meta announces plans to release new smart glasses called Hypernova with a display and a wristwatch during event next month. At just $800, it’s kind of a steal. Might snag one for all my boys and recreate this scene.
US OPEN: Wild scenes at the opening round of the US Open, as a photographer comes on court during match point and Medvedev leads a mass boo sesh among the fans. Just a brutal start to the week for that gentleman.
That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. Welll, it’s kind of a funny story
FOOTBALL: Massive brawl in the parking lot at the K-State vs. Iowa State game in Ireland between none other than the father and brother of Avary Johnson, the Wildcats QB. They’re just getting in the Irish spirit. I’ll allow it.
Hawaii beats Stanford with a game-winning kick from Kansei Matsuzawa, who taught himself how to kick by watching YouTube videos at his job as a Morton’s waiter when he moved to the US from Japan. Absolute chills. The American dream.
The green dildo army has taken their talents from the WNBA to NFL preseason, throwing another Grinch penis onto the field in Tennessee. Everything is a scam now.
Gotta respect Ben DiNucci. All-time tweet from the king.
WWE: I don’t think it’s dramatic to say that Rampage Jackson’s son should go to jail for doing this during a pro wrestling fight. Literally almost killed the guy.
BASEBALL: Very respectful tip of the cap who Cal Raleigh, who hits his 49th HR and sets a record for single season homers by a catcher. As a #BigDumper myself, I know firsthand the struggle that comes from having a massive, honking bubble butt as a man. You’re an inspiration.
If you don’t get chills from this walk-out from Marlins closer Tyler Phillips, you might have a medical disorder. Like actually. You should go talk to someone.
Congratulations to Chinest Taipei for winning the LLWS but our American kids are going to be just fine. They have very bright futures ahead of them.
If he ever does become an actuary, he’s gonna have the best LinkedIn post of all time
(NO) SUMMER SCARIES
Anyone else notice that August gets no respect as a summer month? It makes me bonkers mad.Every time I see these posts about cozy season or pumpkin spice lattes, I start to get major Sunday Scaries vibes. Newsflash: summer is not even close to over. Everyone chill out.
Thank god for Shake Shack. They’re on a mission to fight off the Summer Scaries and milk every last drop out of our precious summer. We don’t deserve you, Shake Shack.
From August 21st through September 1st, Shake Shack is treating you to a Free Summer BBQ Sandwich with $10 minimum purchase. Just as a little treat to keep those summer vibes going.
Personally, I’m gonna be hammering that Carolina BBQ Burger. Sweet, tangy, delicious. What else do you need?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Impressed by this criminal mastermind who pulled over mid-police chase, filled up his tank, and still managed to get away. Take notes, F1 - this is how you do a pit stop.
Couldn’t help but notice he didn’t put in his Shell rewards number before pumping. He’s leaving a ton of reward points on the table that can be redeemed at all participating shell locations.
Happy birthday to Ethel Caterham, who turned 116 last week and became the world’s oldest living person. She is old enough to say ‘that’s the greatest thing since sliced bread’ (invented when she was 19) and actually know what she’s talking about.
For the first 19 years of Ethel’s life, sandwiches were just full loaves of bread with some ham in between. At least I think so. I didn’t do a ton of research.
Gotta admire the passion of the Burbank Butt Sniffer, who is BACK in jail for stealing a whiff of some human ass just two weeks after he was arrested for the same crime. If you truly love something, you’ll stop at nothing to do it.
The face of modern day butt sniffing
A Louisiana man was arrested for stealing $300 worth of meat from Sam’s Club by stuffing it down his pants. Maybe the Butt Sniffer can get a work-release job at Sam’s Club as a pant-sniffing security guard to stop guys like this. Direct his passion for good.
I love them the cops show the meat like it’s a drug bust. Hell yeah boys in blue
Who's having the best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
This one honestly broke my brain a bit. Can’t believe I’ve gone my entire life without ripping that. Pulling that move at the KPop sing-along and impressing all the local teens ASAP.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Don’t let drinking die, guys. It’s the best. Be among the 54%.
Read this on your lunch break: Comedy’s Safest Slur.
The sequel we’ve all been waiting for with bated breath: What if American Psycho was Wet? Just a masterclass of cinema here.
Finally, some actionable advice on this newsletter - how to live forever and get rich doing it.
This entire thread of actors trying not to break during TV shows / movies is absolute gold. Not gonna top Will Ferrell in Eastbound or The Office for me.
It’s Monday. Fuck it, Randy Moss at Marshall highlights. Just to inspire you to achieve slightly above mediocrity this week.
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