It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Meta paid $250 million to hire a 24 year old AI programmer, after he turned down an initial offer of $125 million. Nerds are now getting Josh Allen contracts. Once they start to marry Hailee Steinfelds, it’s all over.
ESPN is officially taking over NFL Media in multi-billion dollar deal that will include RedZone and NFL Network. The death of 7 hours of commercial free football is hitting me harder than every funeral I’ve been to in my life combined.
Internet bots now reportedly make up half of all web traffic, are over 75% of all Twitter traffic. Surely that won’t backfire in horrible, society-altering ways.
Ghislaine Maxwell is headed to a new, minimum security prison in Texas after meeting with federal lawyers for two days. Really hope she befriends jailmates Elizabeth Holmes and Jen Shah. Those ladies would totally hit it off.
Sprinter Noah Lyles wins 200M final in US track championships, proceeds to stare down his rival Kenny Benarek who shoves him after the race. God, I can’t wait until football season so track & field beef isn’t a top story.
BASEBALL: $2 pregame beer night at the Guardians game is a little slice of heaven.
This is what it’s all about
Does it get any cooler than this Portland Pickles fan who was picked to get an at-bat during Fan Appreciation night and proceeded to go yard? Do this for football next.
Kyle Schwarber is a fucking beast. Not much else to say about the matter.
There’s nothing i love more on the internet right now than Dr. Lock’s getting Korean baseball picks from his local Korean restaurant. Incredible content.
WNBA: A SECOND green dildo has hit the WNBA courts. We have an epidemic on our hands.
Said it before and I’ll say it again: walking during a half-time baby crawling contest should be illegal. Throw that baby into a jail cell until it learns how to compete fairly.
NFL: I’m with Mike McDaniel here. Every morning is just another day closer to death.
Trade requests roundup: Terry McLaurin wants out of Washington, James Cook continues to sit out in Buffalo, and Micah Parsons can’t stand Jerry Jones. Praying for Skip Bayless right now.
I still can’t wrap my head around this being a regulation sized NFL football.
MEDIA: The NY Giants - SF Giants meet up with Mike Francesca was perfection.
IT’S A FACTOR MEAL SUMMER
Summer comes only once a year. Don’t waste it by spending hours cooking inside. Hop on the Factor train: chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meals ready to go in just 2 minutes.
With 45 weekly menu options, there’s bound to be gourmet meals that tickle your fancy.
Personally, as part of my yearly journey to be Jacked by late-July, I’m all aboard the Calorie Smart menu options. Delicious breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners and more. It’s got all my meals covered and gives me one less thing to worry about every day.
Plus, if you start today, you can get 50%. All the flavor, none of the fuss.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Gotta feel for the haunted Annabelle doll, who has had to survive a plantation fire, dealing with the untimely death of her previous owner and now has to spend time with Matt Rife after he purchased her. Hasn’t the poor doll has been through enough?
A hot internet comedian getting killed by haunted doll feels like the plot of the dumbest scary movie of all time
SKIMS releases new face wrap with ‘sculpting fabric’ for a mere $48. Extremely small price to pay to look like a child with mumps in the 1920s. I’ll take a thousand.
Yeah i’m rocking the hell out of these for the rest of the summer. It’s gonna be a Facelift Fall, amiright fellas?
A highway had to be closed in both directions after a massive hot-dog truck spilled all its glizzies. Get Joey Chestnut in there and he’ll have the place clean in an hour.
Your mom probably loved this 😂😂😂.
Actually, you know what? I’m sorry. I don’t even know your mom. Even if she does love penis, that’s totally fine. Everyone has their own interests. I shouldn’t judge. To each their own.
Nintendo reportedly wanted to give Pikachu huge, heaving honkers for its launch into the American market. Just marketing 101. Big natural milkers = big natural profits.
Yeah if they made a Pikaboobs, I would be chasing it around in Pokemon Go until I fell off a cliff. Just being honest
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
It’s Monday. Start of another week. Let’s not over-complicate things and take it back to the basics: Chuckin’ Rocks with the Boys. Just like our ancestors.
Business news as it should be.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I simply cannot believe Billy said this to Eilise. Absolutely disgusting.
Read this on your lunch break: Is Ms. Rachel the New Mr. Rogers?
God, what I wouldn’t give to be one of these kids right now. This is the dream.
This bird has the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. Nature is perfect.
How to Live Forever…and get rich doing it.
Is there anything more badass than this dude who tied 42 helium balloons to a lawn chair and floated 16k feet in the sky? Up-maxxing before it was cool.
Thank you to the NYT for finally addressing one of the largest issues facing our nation: When Everyone Has Aiport Lounge Access, No One Does.
It’s Monday. Let’s be as unstoppable this week as Cordarrelle Patterson in the open field. Why the hell not?
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