It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Utah governor says alleged Charlie Kirk shooter is not cooperating with authorities. Got a feeling there’s going to be a lot more twists and turns out of this story before it’s over with. Stay tuned.
The Emmys were last night, as The Pitt, The Studio and Hacks dominated. Big night for stressful work-places and Owen Cooper, who won an Emmy and met Sydney Sweeney, all before he turned 16. Might as well hang it up.
Nepal successfully overthrows government, elects their new leader via a Discord poll. Truly wild. This better not come to America - if I have to start learning how to use another goddam app, I’m gonna just have to give up.
Larry Ellison’s son looks to buy Warner Brothers Discovery weeks after he finalized a purchase for Paramount. Buying up all the studios is the world is the move. Really missed my calling as the son of the richest man alive.
Albanian Prime Minister appoints AI bot as a ‘minister’ to help tackle corruption in the government. Can’t see a single way this one goes wrong.
NFL: Gotta hand it to the Giants OL James Hudson. 4 penalties on the same drive is just impressive.
Open palm slap to the face is an elite move.
The green dildo army has struck again, this time making their mark in Cincy. This may be the most powerful group in America, closely followed by the Illuminati.
NCAAF: Easily the best part about Vandy beating South Carolina on the road was that Theo Von now gets to take their QB’s mom out on a date. Having a podcaster as your stepfather is the greatest gift any college aged boy could receive.
Villanova may have had the greatest cover of all-time this weekend. Easily one of the top-5 greatest clutch catches ever for anyone who had Nova +48.5.
This was an all-time press conference moment from Brian Kelly on Saturday. Maybe he’s still pissed he got laid out on the sidelines? No way to really know.
Big shake-ups across the board as Georgia Tech takes down Clemson, Tennessee blows it against Georgia, Notre Dame falls again on a late TD. Chaotic season already.
MLB: I’ve watched this clip of Ken Rosenthal truck-sticking his camera man and then snarling at him in disdain probably 100x. All-time villain move.
Just outrageous move from bow-tie boy
The Mets DJ just gets it: no better time to turn up than after your team gives up 6 runs in the first inning.
Simply a perfect pick off move from Garret Crochet here. This is what happens when you mash all the buttons on the controller at once.
TENNIS: SI Swimsuit model Brooks Nader reportedly was dating both Sinner and Alcaraz at the same time during the US Open. I completely get it: to beat your opponent, you have to think like him. In all facets of life.
BOXING: Legitimately thank that Mike Tyson punched the emotion into Mr. Beast’s eyes here. Never seen anything but cold, dead, blankness before that.
Biggest takeaway from Crawford’s win over Canelo on Saturday: Red De La Cruz is the greatest ring girl in modern memory. Credit where credit is due.
She and Sydney Thomas need to battle it out at the next fight. It’s what this country needs right now
IT’S GONNA BE A LIGHTSTRIKE NIGHT
BREAKING NEWS: a new Lightstrike flavor just dropped and it’s about to change your tailgating season forever.
5% alcohol. Non-carbonated. Resealable sports drink bottle. 10% coconut water. And now in a refreshing mix of berry and yuzu flavors with the brand new Blue Rush flavor. What else do you need during peak drinking season?
I’ll be sucking these puppies down all football season long. I suggest you do the same.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
The most wholesome story of the year is an 81-year old man texting his softball team to thank them for including him in the middle of the night. This is what it’s all about. I’m desperately hoping we get some geriatic members on our squad this year.
If this doesn’t make you smile, the only explanation is you don’t have a mouth. Which admittedly would really suck so I don’t blame you.
Two Cornell students hunted a bear in the woods, brought it back and skinned it in their dorm kitchen. That’s cool and all, but you know there’s like unlimited food in the dining hall right? If you wanted a bear sandwich, you could’ve just asked.
Killing the real-life version of your school’s mascot is a crazy move. Really hoping the students of Notre Dame don’t get any ideas.
Massive respect to this lady who punched a 5 foot long alligator in the eye repeatedly to save her 4 month old puppy. The most Florida thing I’ve ever heard.
she’s a braver woman than i’ll ever be, that’s for sure.
Shoutout to the man who moved to an island and lived there alone for 33 years, simply because he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I get it.
Who am I kidding - I don’t get this at all. I talk nonstop. I’d be bored so quick and start trying to fuck the volleyball that’s become my sole companion on the island.
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
This one may be up there for move of the year. We’ll have to check back in during Moves Madness but don’t be shocked if this makes some serious waves in the tournament.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Is Cyber Supporting the future of the catfishing industry? I certainly hope so.
Read this on your lunch break: A Wave of Goblin Sighting in Eastern Kentucky.
Finally found the perfect playlist to help me focus today. Thanks Eilise.
POV: your Labubu in 2 months is an absolute banger. Well done Cool Guyz Online.
I’ve seen this video like 15x and it still makes me laugh.
Gronk’s guide to partying and life is the only guide I need.
It’s Monday. If this fella can get through this obstacle course without giving up, you can get through today at the office. Survive and advance, boys.
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