It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
The Ryder Cup starts on Friday at Bethpage Black, as the US looks to bounce back after a loss in 2023. We need a win right now as a nation. Make sure you take your time, Cantlay. Make those Europeans wait.
US-Tik Tok deal will reportedly include the Murdochs, owners of FoxNews and NewsCorp, as well as the Ellisons, who own Oracle and Paramount. Perfect. It’s like the old saying goes: consolidating media into the hands of the wealthiest, most powerful families is the best thing for any country.
The White House will announce an ‘answer for autism’ today, hours after $100k fee for H-1B visas is announced. Autism and H-1B visas are the backbone of tech. This could be a kill-shot to the entire industry.
Tom Holland suffers concussion during shooting of Spider-Man, leading to temporary production pause. Entering concussion protocol for a movie is crazy. Risk CTE so we can watch the 7th best movie in the franchise faster.
Fat Bear Week begins today, as bears at Katmai National Park in Alaska compete online for social media votes. It’s nice to know that even wild animals are desperate for online validation. Don’t feel so bad about myself now.
NFL: Justin Herbert and I are built slighlty different, because if I’d be throwing up in my cleats if I knew this lovely lady was watching me play, yet he’s doing stuff like this.
Googoo freaking gaga, as the kids says
Chiefs pull off win over the Giants thanks to a legitimately insane Mahomes play (early candidate for DPOY) and just a horrible Russel Wilson red zone game. Can’t blame Chris Jones for not wanting to swap jerseys.
Three games were swung by blocked kicks, as the Jets found new ways to lose, the Packers were stunned by the Browns and Jordan Davis is the Big Fella of the year.
I genuinely can’t believe this Todd Bowles press conference clip is real. Payne Durham is the luckiest guy in the league ❤
Viking CB Isaiah Rodgers Sr. racked up an entire season’s worth of stats in one half yesterday. Minnesota D/ST fantasy owners were spoiled sick yesterday.
MLB: Congratulations to the Rockies, who are officially not the worst team in MLB team. Definitely worth hanging the banner for this.
I mean, this might be the craziest catch I’ve seen this year. Across any sport. Kudos.
NCAAF: Give Arch Manning a break. He’s not going to have many chances to celebrate this season, you might as well take them while you can.
Arch Manning when he scores against a JV football team of future plumbers
This is so simple, but I can’t believe no one’s tried this trick play before. That should be part of your base offense, to be perfectly honest.
KALAMAZOO CENTRAL JV FOOTBALL: Apologies to the kid affected, but I can’t stop laughing at this clip. What a WILD move (PS - being 350 pounds on JV should be illegal.)
Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See Terms and Conditions.
Account Overdrawn. The most chilling two words in the English language. Not only are you out of money but now you have to pay MORE money in fees? It’s a travesty.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Charlie Sheen did so much cocaine at the peak of his powers that he got cut off by the Mexican cartel. Legitimately a medical marvel that he’s still alive. Entering a consumption vortex so massive that drug dealers stage an intervention is sorta iconic.
“Chuck, we’ve called you here today to talk about how your actions have affected us, the people who love you. I don’t even recognize you any more. Please ignore the cocaine in front of me and focus on the words I’m saying.”
There’s excellence and then there’s the Maine-based Treworgy Family Orchards, who have won Corn Maze of the Year for the 4th year in a row. Up there with Tiger and the Bill Russell Celtics for most dominant runs in modern history. Respect.
If the aliens see this from space, they might actually respect us for once. Thank you to this family
New study finds that wild chimps consume the equivalent of 2 cocktails a day in the form of boozy fruit. If you tell me they also chain smoke, doom scroll and live bet college lacrosse unders, I’ll finally believe in evolution.
God, a nice glass of boozy fruit after a long day of foraging for tree nuts would hit so hard as a chimp.
SEND THIS TO YOUR HOMIE: The first buttholes may have been used for sperm (science word for sploog/cum/thick juicy ropes), NOT feces (science word for poop.) See Mike - it’s totally natural and nothing to be afraid of 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
PS - can someone explain why every single AI company logo kind of looks like a sphincter?
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
The widespread adoption of this move could lead to a dramatic increase in voter registration and participation in local elections. Now THAT would be the move.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Just an all-time series of anecdotes from Rusty on this episode. Going blind for an afternoon is a rite of passage for all trampoline users.
Read this on your lunch break: Colleges Are About to See a Big Decline in Applicants.
Can’t believe I’m just now seeing Steve Carrell recreation of Lebron’s “The Decision” video with Paul Rudd, but this is an absolute masterpiece.
This article on how ChatGPT is blowing up marriages is a truly wild read.
The Cat in the Hat is the GOAT podcast guest.
It’s Monday. If you’re not attacking the week like this guy attacks a beer with his nostrils, you’re going to be left behind. Let’s get after it.
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