The Daily Friday: Monday 9/30

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Hurricane Helene wreaks havoc over the weekend in the Southeast, as death toll nears 100 and millions are left without power. Asheville, North Carolina was hit particularly hard: where to donate and how to help.

2. Lana Del Ray marries alligator tour guide after dating for a month. Huge W for regular dudes everywhere. All I have to do is wait 30 days & get over my fear of alligators/being outside in general and I’ll be married to a pop star.

3. Biolab explodes in Georgia, as 90,000 people are asked to shelter in place as chemical haze spreads across the state. Cool, cool, cool. Not terrifying at all.

4. Dikembe Mutombo passed away this morning at age 58, after a battle with brain cancer. Iconic player, humanitarian, and finger wagger. RIP to a legend 🙏🏻

5. Big day in the MLB wild card race, as the Mets and Braves play double-header to decide final two spots. It’s confusing, but here’s how it all breaks down.

MONDAY MOTIVATION

Shohei’s 50-50 season. Joey Chestnut’s 84 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Tommy Mattinson’s 19th World Gurning Championship. Three remarkable athletic achievements in the month of September that will be remembered for centuries.

If you don’t know what gurning is, congrats on being an ignorant fool . Gurning is a competition that stretches back to the 1200s where judges determine who has the starkest difference between a normal face and a ‘gurning’ face. Read a book.

Here’s the face Tommy won with this year.

Like all great athletes, Tommy has an unquenchable thirst for victory. He’s not satisfied with 19 titles: he wants 30. He faced fierce competitions, like 64 year old Ding Dong Veg and didn’t let it bother him. He even outpaced his legendary father’s legacy, like Simba rising from the ashes to carry the torch Mufasa left burning.

Tommy’s story is a nice reminder that everyone has something that they are elite at. Sure, it might not be something that makes you rich and famous, like singing or knowing how to code super well. Yours could be something simple, like whistling or flipping a water bottle so it lands upright. Personally, mine is related to nicotine tolerance (I go 4-6 Lucy pouches at once) and/or losing sports bets but everyone is different.

The point is: we all have own gurning. Find yours. I believe in you

CFB: This touchdown by ‘Bama’s Ryen Williams was insane, especially considering the moment (down late in the fourth quarter to Georgia) and the fact that he’s just 17 years old.

Boise State’s Ashton Jeanty is not a real human being, runs for 260 yards and 6 TDs on Saturday, his second game this year with 260+ yards. The fuck???

NFL: Derrick Henry should not be allowed to do stuff like this. How is anyone supposed to tackle that man?

Shoutout to Patrick Mahomes for throwing an interception and most likely tearing his top receiver’s ACL on the same play. Hard to do.

MLB: Congratulations to the Chicago White Sox, who set a record for most losses in a season. Honestly, I would personally rather set a record for incompetence than just be another bad team. At least people are talking about you.

NBA: Knicks and T-Wolves near a trade that could send KAT to NYC in exchange for Donte DiVincenzo and Julius Randle. We’ll always have the double bang.

PUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH FIRST

When that fall gloom comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This guy is doing mushrooms entire wrongly: you should not chop off your penis with an axe. You should repeatedly tell everyone “idk if it’s working,” for the first 30 minute and then go non-verbal for the next 6 hours and think about how fingernails work.

A Virginia House candidate faked having a family, using his friend’s wife and kids for photo shoots. Respect to his friend for letting this happen. Unlocked a whole new level of cuckdom that I didn’t know what possible.

Spas are offering ‘emotional showers’ that use lighting and sensors to trigger catharsis. I have emotional showers for free in my apartment every Sunday. Pass.

Journalist Olivia Nunni was reportedly ‘disgusted by RFK Jr’ until they began to have ‘incredible FaceTime sex,’ during recent affair. The dude is 70 years old: the fact that he can use FaceTime in the first place, is incredibly impressive. Kudos.

MONDAY MOVE

I’m in desperate need for an RB2 and might have to pull this move with one of my boys. Might even prepare an agenda and several trade options, send it over pre-call for some light reading and make sure we make the best use of our 30 minutes. Just means more.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s another Monday. You know what might help you make it through today? Treating yourself to a Pagliacci’s hoagies shirt. Because you deserve it 🤝 

• Read this on your lunch break: The Surprising Science Behind Cynicism.

• Is there any better gig in the world than the producer of the Talk Tuah podcast? Truly god’s work.

• Can someone explain how Oz the Mentalist pulled this shit off? Genuinely think he is a warlock.

• How high-brow horror cinema has won its respectability, but lost its soul.

• Variety ranked the Top 50 SNL sketches from the last 50 years and Chris Farley is listed only once. Make it make sense. Enjoy his top moments on YouTube here.