It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Two winning tickets sold in $1.8 Powerball lottery in Missouri and Texas. Congrats to these people, but it really should’ve been this lady from Alabama. Could’ve single-handedly saved the football program.
Carlos Alcaraz wins US Open, beats Sinner for his 6th Slam victory in his young career. I will be shaving my head and dodging rumors about a mysterious, rich girlfriend out of support. Got you, buddy.
Carlos Acutis becomes first millennial saint, as the Italian teenager who was an avid video game player is recognized for using technology to spread Catholicism. A gamer saint. Finally one I could relate to besides this guy.
Tesla releases new Elon Musk payment plan that could award him over $1 trillion in 10 years. Pulling in 12 figures for your side hustle is not too shabby. Still not as cool as DoorDashing or scamming the elderly online, but it’ll do.
MTV Music Awards were apparently last night, as Ariana Grande took home Video of the Year (Tate McRae snubbed) and Lady Gaga wins Artist of the Year over Tralero Tralala. Make it make sense.
CFB: The retired 66 yr old who enrolled at LSU and fulfilled his lifelong dream of being in the marching band is a hero. Life doesn’t end when you get old. It begins.
Thank God for that extra COVID year of eligibility
If I was on USF and we beat the Gators in the swamp, I’d look at my boy like this too. The kind of love that transcends the erotic.
Sure they got their cocks stomped by Texas, but San Jose St. will always have this catch. It’s the little things.
All-timer hater move from the Mizzou fan who passed up a chance to win $25k at halftime with a 45 yard kick so he could pull up his shirt and reveal “F KU” and kick the ball to the Kansas sideline. Have no choice but to respect it.
I’ll take a punter clotheslining a return man any day of the week. Does not matter what the scoreboard says.
NFL: The Bills-Ravens game was one of the most insane endings I’ve ever seen. These two teams are simply playing a different sport. Bills fans - you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving early. Never doubt Hailee’s husband again.
It’s a shock that Xavier Worthy even made it to the first game after this moment a few weeks back. Lasting multiple plays is impressive, tbh.
Call off the dogs. Daniel Jones is the clear MVP this year and there’s no use playing the rest of the season.
The Jets simply must be cursed. This “catch” by DK Metcalf on the final drive was so dumb, as was a game winning 60 yard FG and this pregame snafu. It’s ok: the light is darkest before the dawn. Keep the faith.
MLB: We have reach peak ‘fan stealing a ball from a child’ public shaming after this incident with a Philly Karen over the weekend. At this point, if you are above the age of 11 and get any sort of souvenir at a game, this is the only move you have now.
NBA: This one on one game to 100 between Draymond and a Chinese streetballer is going to take at least 9 months. I’m not sure Draymond could score 100 points with no one playing defense to be perfectly honest.
this feels like something i dreamed up. i can’t believe it’s real
IT’S GONNA BE A LIGHTSTRIKE NIGHT
BREAKING NEWS: a new Lightstrike flavor just dropped and it’s about to change your tailgating season forever.
5% alcohol. Non-carbonated. Resealable sports drink bottle. 10% coconut water. And now in a refreshing mix of berry and yuzu flavors with the brand new Blue Rush flavor. What else do you need during peak drinking season?
I’ll be sucking these puppies down all football season long. I suggest you do the same.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
We have reach astonishing levels of Unc nationwide thanks to this gentleman right here. I’d love to know how you get to the stage in life that you’re willingly wearing this shirt out to a bar. Just so I can replicate it step by step.
“I wear my heart on my sleeve.” Ok but do you wear coochie on your sleeves too?? Put up or shut up.
It simply does not get any more romantic than this LeBron fan proposing in front of Lebron during his visit to Chengdu, China. Here’s hoping Lebron enacts Prima Nocta after the game and makes everyone even happier.
Never seen anyone do this for Jordan. That settles the GOAT debate
A woman was duped out of $6k by a scammer who pretended to be an astronaut stuck in space that was ‘under attack and in need of oxygen.’ Don’t have a great grasp of space economics, but that doesn’t seem like nearly enough to help.
To be fair, if Sandra Bullock from Gravity tried to scam me, it would probably work. I don’t blame the lady
Absolute disgrace that Mt. Sinai, one of the world’s most sacred places, is being turned into a luxury hotel. They’d make way more money if they turned it into a Costco.
Imagine seeing this and your first thought is “let’s make this into hotels” instead of “let’s make this into a call center to scam people out of $6k in fake astronaut romance schemes??” Foolish
Who's Having the Best Monday
MONDAY MOVE
Nice batch of football moves over on Could Be the Move to get you into the right mindset for the season. Very hard to pick just one, but this sucker spoke to me. Gotta build camraderie in the cabin.
Business as usual? No thanks.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
This week’s contestants for Kid of the Week has gotta be the most competitive batch yet. Love Chick-Fil-A kid, but not sure how you beat Orange Soda Tyler.
Read this on your lunch break: What’s the deal with UFO’s?
Waiting to see how many Emmy’s this short gets on Sunday. I had no idea that the life of a grocery greeter was that deep, nuanced, and emotionally turbulent.
I couldn’t agree with this article any more: our obsession with efficiency is costing us our humanity. This is also why everyone should be drinking more. It’s not about alcohol it’s about experiencing life PEOPLE!
Not sure what’s a crazier, this stat about Derrick Henry or this stat about Todd Gurley. Two of the greatest to ever do it.
Thank god for this article on that horrible NFL parade float commercial. Can’t believe the league desecrated The Rizzler’s good name with this AI slop.
It’s Monday. Fuck it. Willie Spence’s cover of Rihanna ‘Diamonds.’ If you can’t appreciate the pipes on this guy, you don’t deserve to make it through the week.
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