It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Apple TV announces ‘new vibrant identity,’ with a logo “change” that consists of removing the plus sign. This will change everything. No career has greater job security than a streaming service logo designer.
Paris workers stage protest over new Shein store as the Chinese retailer known for violating humans rights standards looks to add 6 stores in France. The French are willing to shit in the river to prove a point. This won’t end easily.
Taylor Swift announces 6-episode doc “The End of an Era,” a behind the scenes look at her tour that will air in December on Disney+. I think we got enough Taylor in our faces, Hard Knocks for concerts is a little much.
Alex Jones fails in appeal for Sandy Hook case, as the Supreme Court upholds his $1.4B defamation payment. Please let the Onion buy his assets now. I need these domain names to be put to good use.
Alec Baldwin “ok” after crashing car into a tree in the Hamptons, blames a garbage truck that was ‘the size of a whale’ for getting in his way. This guy is always getting into some wacky hijinks 🤪
MLB: Tough day to be the Blue Jays fan who rocked a Cal Raleigh butt plug shirt behind home plate, only to see the Big Gaping Dumper himself go yard and the Mariners take a 2-0 lead.
Pretty sick shirt. Really a one-time use item (where are you possibly going to rock that after this game?) but worth every penny
This was one of the craziest plays I’ve ever seen. Still wasn’t enough for the Brewers to beat the Dodgers bc this guy was way too scared to lean in and let that fastball explode his kneecap. Coward.
NFL: Dan from ticket sales is easily the most competent man in the entire Tennessee Titans organization. Get that commission brother.
Bears pull off improbable win in the pouring rain, as the Commanders have a brutal fumble and FG doink. Gotta feel nice to have the shoe on the other foot.
As a Jets fan who flew 13 hours to London to go to the worst football game in modern history, I have one message for British Jets fans - you have terrible decision making skills. I didn’t have a choice, but you picked this life. Shoutout King of Queens tho.
The Eagles top pass rusher retires mid-way through the season. That’ll help with the locker room issues, I’m sure of it.
What the hell is going on in Colts warmups? Losing two players before the game even starts is insane (I’d give a million dollars to see the Anthony Richardson footage.)
Yes, Brian Branch probably deserved his 1 game suspension for this move at the end of the Chiefs game, but it was absolutely worth it to get this pic out of it.
That’s me. JuJu. You’re probably wondering how I got here. Wellll it’s kind of a funny story (I was a piece of shit all game and antagonizing my opponent and kind of got what was coming to me.)
NCAAF: Do we think it’s too late for me to become an elite college football head coach? Getting paid $45M to not work like James Franklin seems like the dream job.
Need to get to a Texas A&M game this year at some point. Hanging out with college kids with a BAC level that would’ve won the batting title this year sounds like a wonderful afternoon.
NBA: If Wemby is doing shit like this, it’s over for the rest of the league. You can’t be tall, shoot well, be kinda weird looking AND strong. It’s just not fair.
NHL: After hockey’s newest fan, I couldn’t be happier for Jonathan Toews making his comeback. Been waiting on this one for a longgggg time (4 business days.)
IT’S GONNA BE A LIGHTSTRIKE NIGHT
BREAKING NEWS: a new Lightstrike flavor just dropped and it’s about to change your tailgating season forever.
5% alcohol. Non-carbonated. Resealable sports drink bottle. 10% coconut water. And now in a refreshing mix of berry and yuzu flavors with the brand new Blue Rush flavor. What else do you need during peak drinking season?
I’ll be sucking these puppies down all football season long. I suggest you do the same.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau spotted smooching their little asses off on a yacht in Santa Barbara. I’m here for it. If a disgraced former Canadian prime minister and the brains behind ‘Firework’ can’t make it work, then what chance do any of us have?
How it feels to make out with an ex-Prime Minister on a yacht (really good and cool)
The Taco Bell 50k challenge saw hundreds of participants run 31 miles while eating at 9 different Taco Bells along the way. Not that hard. I do this once a month at 2 am while running home from the bar (a girl made eye contact with me and I got scared.)
Me after making it to my apartment after stopping for a quick 14 chalupas snack
It’s that time of year: Spirit Halloween is coming for every abandoned mid-tier department story across America. Bad day to be a Jo-Ann Fabrics.
I pitched a shirt to the merch team this week that was like the Iwo Jima soldiers raising a flag, but instead of the US flag it was a Spirit Halloween flag over an abandoned Party City. They said “that’s probably a copyright violation” and “no one would buy that” and “please stop pitching shirts and focus on making sure your newsletters don’t have typos.” This place is a prison.
Bonnie Blue demands that UK ‘stop the boats’ and that she ‘won’t bonk illegal migrants.’ This might work. It’s still less disgusting than what ICE has been up to lately.
Boats turning around after realizing they aren’t eligible for the 1k guy in 24 hours challenge and there’s no point in coming to England anymore
Who's Having the Best Tuesday
MONDAY MOVE
You can’t put a price on the joy you get from a perfect drum set riff. Parapapumpum. Just hits different.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
The only conspiracy that I fully believe (besides aliens are real and so are underwater civilizations) is that Amelia Earhart is still alive. She’s stronger than the crabs for sure.
Read this on your lunch break: The Hunt for the World’s Oldest Story.
Never felt more seen in my life than after this video. Genuinely nothing I hate more in the world than being in Willie’s situation.
The Girl Dad movie canon is my kind of content. Justice for Dennis Quad in Parent Trap. That was actually a brilliant custody arrangement.
Actually think that this dopamine menu may change my entire life. Something’s gotta give, that’s for sure.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. White Girl Music, but for the boys. Let’s absolutely go.
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