Drumline star Zoë Saldaña becomes highest grossing actor ever, as the new Avatar crushes at the box. Wow. As the old saying goes: you can have all the money in the world and still need to do T-Mobile commercials with Druski.
Pentagon may have purchased a Havana Syndrome causing device, a report that comes days after accounts of a ‘mysterious sonic weapon’ that was used in Venezuela. Damn, I kinda miss the old days when we just lined up 20 yards away and shot each other with muskets. Let’s bring that back.
Mike Tomlin steps down as Steelers head coach after 19 years and thousands of incredible Tomlinisms. Wild stat: there have been twice as many Popes as Steelers head coaches in the last 56 years. You’re up, Spo.
Eric Adams is off to a hot start in his post-NYC mayor life, as he launches a crypto coin called ‘NYC’ that he immediately rug pulls and then threatens to punch a fellow airline passenger the next day. Never change, Eric.
“Are You Dead"?” tops the app store in China, as the app designed for single people that sounds an alarm every 48 hours if the user doesn’t check in takes over the country. Fuck man, I should’ve thought of that.
HOTEL ON THE MOON
Finally, a new way to flex on the poors.
Let’s give it up for Galactic Resource Utilization Space, the California based startup better known as GRU (which is better known as the boss in Minions) that plans to open a hotel on the moon by 2032, which will coincide nicely with Mr. Beast’s first term as President. The world is truly perfect.
Think of the possibilities. Katy Perry singing Firework in the lobby. Season 14 of White Lotus set on the Moon and starring the Young Sheldon kid and The Rizzler. An Impractical Jokers episode that ends with Sal almost dying of oxygen deprivation. Infinite cheese.
All it takes to book a room is a simple $1 million deposit today, which is actually a huge steal. There’s a pretty high chance that none of us are even around by then, but if we are, the moon will probably the only inhabitable place left. Might as well have a queen bed and en suite bathroom locked in for at least a long weekend. Sign me up.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
New emojiis are rumored to be coming in the next iOS, which will include a pickle, lighthouse and new thumbs. This is going to completely revolutionize the ‘horny chain text for holidays and breaking news’ industry. A true godsend.
Who wants to have a million beers tonight? This guy
A group of loose monkeys has been roaming the streets of St. Louis, but no one knows whose monkeys they are and why they got free. Sounds like a sick children’s book waiting to happen. LeBron: get on it. The world is waiting for a sequel.
I hope they stay free forever
Mattel has released their first autistic Barbie doll that comes with noise cancelling headphones and a tablet. Drop the Ken doll version complete with a model train set and a fidget spinner ASAP please.
I think this is a good thing? Someone will probably decide it’s bad though, so I’m reserving my right to give a take on this for 3-5 business days. Thank you
PETA has stepped into the Bo Bichette sweepstakes, offers him a lifetime supply of Viagra to sign with the Jays. Take that deal, keep buying gas station dick pills (they’re way more effective, trust me) and just flip the Viagra on the open market. Business 101.
I love to go to my local bodega, buy one of everything on this rack, and stop my heart for 48 hours. It’s the only way I can feel anything anymore. It’s awesome.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
That’s either blood or a fuckload of spaghetti sauce. Either way, the boys need to clean up their act.
Boys. What are we doing here? The hippo community is under attack enough as it is. This is what they want us to do. When we fight each other, that’s how they win.
Let’s lay down the jaws and focus our energy on the true enemy: the mass media who insists of silencing hippo voices in order to prevent the world’s #1 semi-aquatic mammals from organizing and taking over the entire world. We are stronger together.
The best marketing ideas come from marketers who live it. That’s what The Marketing Millennials delivers: real insights, fresh takes, and no fluff. Written by Daniel Murray, a marketer who knows what works, this newsletter cuts through the noise so you can stop guessing and start winning. Subscribe and level up your marketing game.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me after crashing at my buddy’s place. Them’s the breaks.
Read this on your lunch break: The Son King of Hollywood
God bless these gentlemen who are fixing the male sadness epidemic through the power of Stoke. Thank you for your service, Chad and JT.
George Saunders says ditching these 3 delusions can change your life.
There is no one doing it like Druski right now. This Church Pastor sketch might be his best one yet. Him just dangling casually in the air is perfect.
The Hot Priest Taxonomy is an important piece of journalism.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. 137 seconds of Greg Maddux being the greatest fielding pitcher of all time. Just because.
Like our newsletter? You’ll love our podcast. Episodes out every Friday, wherever you get your podcasts.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
