The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/21

I gotta give it up for William Shatner, who was photographed yesterday eating a bowl of Raisin Bran in his SUV while stopped at a red light. That’s an incredibly advanced technique at any age, but to pull it off at the age of 94? Deserves a tip of the cap.

Not only does this require two hands to eat while stopped, but it also require extreme care while driving. Where are you placing this bowl? How do you prevent milk slosh and cereal spillage all over the gorgeous interior of this affordable, sensible, mid-size SUV?

Honestly, the more I think about it, a bowl of cereal may be up there with most challenging foods to eat while driving. Obviously a Panera Bread Bowl is more dangerous (WAY hotter, plus the bread bowl is at risk of becoming soggy and ruining your seats) and Baby Back Ribs are significantly messier, but the require the same amount of skill to execute. Really, the only food I can think of that would be harder to eat is a full lobster (cracking the shells, dipping in butter, slurping the claws, etc.) I can only assume he’s capable of this, but just not near a seafood shack at the moment. Fair.

Anyways, that’s my thoughts on William Shatner eating a bowl of cereal while driving. We’ll continue to cover the most pressing news stories of out time. Don’t you fret.

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BREAKING: we have our first ever documented case of bovine tool use after Veronika the Austrian cow picked up sticks with her mouth and scratched herself. We are mere decades away from a master race of hyper-intelligent cows and I’m not mad about it all.

Brady and Belichick have teamed up again, this time to run a generational two-man at the National Championship with their much younger girlfriends. They need to take this a step further and merge into one polycule that could change the world. Please.

Next time someone tells me that my Stephen Hawking impression is “in truly horrible taste,” I’m showing them this video of 12 Spaniards doing it at a carnival as a tribute to raise money for ALS. I’ve always been Spanish at heart. You’re the offensive one.

Brooklyn Beckham, son of David and Posh Spice, says that he has been estranged from his family ever since Posh “hijacked” his planned first dance with his wife and danced “very inappropriately on him in front of everyone.” Need this footage like I need the Wilt Chamberlain 100 point game tape.

Rockstar Games has let a terminally ill patient play the long awaited GTA 6. Anyone willing to come through and give me smallpox so I can hop on the sticks? Pretty jealous.

May not look like it, but this is an actual image of 2 hippos fornicating (fancy word for fucking/making whoopie) in the wild. Bit surprising. When I see this image, I see a gentleman hippo resting his head on his lady hippo’s back after a long hard day in the African savannah. But in reality, underneath the surface is a flurry of body parts, groping and searching for each other, in a desperate attempt to fulfill their ancient, carnal urges. Healthy reminder that not everything is exactly what it seems in this world.

Quick peak behind the curtain: one of the benefits of writing this segment is my algorithm is pretty heavily skewed towards hippo content. Yesterday, I had an image cross my desk that included a massive, erect, and what can only be assumed to be uncircumcised, hippo penis. I was planning to include that today, but I decided against it. Some people are reading this at work but it’s here if you want to see it. Carry on.

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