John Harbaugh fired as Ravens head coach after 18 seasons, a Super Bowl win (over his brother) and more squats than a Jags fan at a bar with Trevor Lawrence. Time to update our pitches for new NFL head coach replacements.
Maduro becomes the next hot influencer, as Nike Techs sold out after the Venezuelan President rocked one during his arrest and his Brooklyn prison becomes NYC’s latest hot-spot, as Takashi 6ix9ine gets jealous and turns himself in to hang with Maduro, Diddy and Luigi. What a world.
If you’ve had a McRib, you may be entitled to financial compensation, as a class-action lawsuit claims McDonald’s misled consumers into thinking it was actual rib meat. Look, if you’re eating a McRib, you’ve already given up on life. Don’t take it out on Grimace.
OnlyFans models are now claiming more than half of US Visas that have traditionally been given to foreigners with “extraordinary ability in the arts.” Remind me again where the issue is?
Netflix addresses Stranger Things “Conformity Gate” fan theory, says that a secret finale addressing plot holes does not exist. Sorry Gen Z, but coming to terms with a horrible series finale is a part of growing up. Welcome.
FORTUNE TELLING IS BACK
It’s the first week of January, which means one thing: it is peak Fortune Teller season.
Not since the Mayans failed to accurately predict the end of the world in 2012 (but still secured funding for a wildly mediocre movie) have we seen such excellence in the world of reading the future.
The path to being a successful fortune teller is actually less complicated than you’d think. It just take 3 simple steps. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
I genuinely was convinced the world was ending when this came out
Step 1: Predict Something That Will Probably Happen
Peruvian Shamans have been getting headlines for accurately predicting the fall of Maduro in late December, just a week before he was captured by the US. Additionally, they’ve also predicted a serious illness for Donald Trump and “serious climate events.”
I mean, yeah - no fucking shit. To all of the above. The US had been hinting at invading Venezuela for months, Donald Trump is almost 80 and exclusively eats McDonalds and blood thinners (this article is crazy) and the world has been burning for years.
That’s like predicting the Jets will hire an under-qualified defensive coach as a HC, mis-manage a young QB’s career, and be the worst team in the league in point differential. You might as well predict that the sun will rise tomorrow.
Step 2: Secure Funding From Your Followers
Gotta tip the cap to Ghanaian prophet Ebo Enoch, who predicted a biblical, world-ending flood on Christmas Day and secured hundreds of thousands of dollars from his followers. Sure, he then spent it on a Mercedes Benz and now is arrested for fraud, but at least he got to enjoy himself for a few weeks.
Step 3: Don’t Be Afraid to Take Matters Into Your Own Hands
Big shout to the Thai fortune teller was arrested for telling a client he would have bad luck and then immediately stole his phone to make the prophecy come true.
You actually can’t even get mad at that as a client. In the cut-throat world of fortune-telling, you gotta make your own breaks. Everyone knows that.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Gotta give a shout-out to Montana State WR (and FCS National Champion) Taco Dowdle, who got his nickname as a child at the Taco Bell drive-thru when he saw the sign, and said “that’s my name.” Didn’t know that possible. You can just do things.
Stop calling me Jack from now on. It’s ‘unlimited breadsticks’. I hope you can respect that
There is BEEF in the early 2000s Disney Channel star universe, as Ashley Tisdale posts essay about quitting her ‘toxic mom group’ in LA that included Hilary Duff and Meghan Trainor, wife to Darryl Sarbara of Juni Cortez from Spy Kid’s fame. How the hell am I supposed to get through the day now? Don’t text.
Please tell me Kim Possible is not involved in this.
Adult film star DopeChick69 (is that a family name?) has claimed Zion Williamson is the father to her child, the second OnlyFans model he has impregnated in 2 years. He truly is the face of career-ruining horniness. Thank you for giving visibility to our people.
Billy this is Zion Williamson. He’s one of the most explosive athletes in modern history. He dominates around the paint and is a force in the open-court. His only defect: he can’t stop knocking up porn stars.
I’m gonna need someone to explain to me how Wemby pulled this little maneuver off. We cannot let him continue to play in the NBA until we fully examine him.
I can’t even touch my toes and he is kicking a basket 10 feet in the sky? What the actual hell is going on
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
Might look violent but this is the human equivalent of tossing your kid into the air in the pool. Baby hippos love this shit. Trust me. This is not hippo child abuse and please do not report it.
CALEB’S CARTOON CORNER
Eat ass “The New Yorker.” Our very own resident Evil Editor Caleb is coming for the entire cartoon industry. New comics dropping every week (or whenever he has time or a good idea or feels in the right mood.)
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
J.T. Parr’s series where he repeats insane online drama to real world strangers is incredible. Just one masterpiece after another (this one was my favorite.)
Read this on your lunch break: What a Viral YouTube Video Says About the Future of Journalism.
Shoutout to our boys Dan and Chris Powers from Empty Netters Podcast, who now need to add ‘as seen in the New York Times’ (and the Daily Friday Podcast in 2 days) to their Wikipedias. Heated Rivalry is for all.
Guy who has been interviewing for the same job since 2022 is a work of art. An extremely relatable piece of content.
Like most millennials, I’m all for prenups these days. Might make a woman think twice about leaving me if they also have to assume all my debts as well (I have no idea how a prenup works.)
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Marty Reisman (real life Marty Supreme) highlights from the 1949 British Open table tennis final. Greatness is timeless.
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