The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/8

1. Wildfires rage through Los Angeles, as 30,000+ people are evacuated from their homes and thousands of acres continue to burn. Stay safe everyone: some ways you can help remotely.

2. Trump plans to change Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, while continuing push to acquire Greenland and the Panama Canal & calling Canada the 51st state. Exactly what I’d do as president. Maybe I’ll run next.

3. Big week for Meta, who announces they’ll ditch ‘biased fact checkers’ and shift to Twitter-style Community Notes and introduces UFC’s Dana White as newest board member. Zuck def just wants free MMA training to fight Elon.

4. Surgeon General recommends cancer risk warnings for alcoholic beverages after new study. Like that’ll stop me. Might make me drink more tbh.

5. Shark Tank’s Kevin O’Leary is nearing deal to acquire Tik-Tok before ban goes into effect. They need Cubes, Lori, Damon and Barbara to enter the negotiations and film it. Would be an electric episode to watch hungover.

Side-note: imagine showing those 5 stories to someone in 2010. Very strange times.

NCAAB: After this insane dunk, Cooper Flagg has taken an early lead for White Boy of the Year. Updates to follow when necessary.

Top ranked Tennessee loses to Florida, makes just 12 shots the entire game. They better pray that Air Bud enters the transfer portal and the boosters cut a fat NIL check. They need scoring ASAP.

NBA: I was a little worried that Cooper Flagg had zapped Zion’s powers like in Space Jam, but don’t worry: Zion Williamson can still dunk. Glad we put that to rest.

NFL: More people who need to update their LinkedIns: Antonio Pierce, Titans GM, and the 49ers DC.

Probably a blessing in disguise that the Cowboys rejected the Bears request to interview Mike McCarthy, freeing them up to interview 74 year old Pete Carroll. If US Senators can run the country at that age, Pete can lead the Bears to 6 wins.

GOLF: The TGL is less than 24 hours old and Tiger Woods has already proved that he is a super-human with a golf club. Wizard shit.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Louisiana mayor arrested for using tax-payer money to hire a prostitute and rent an AirBnB to visit her. Don’t want to speak for Lousianians but that’s exactly where I’d want my money going. Horniness can cloud your judgment as mayor.

Congrats to the kids from School of Rock who just got married, giving hope to single people everywhere. The only thing standing between you and a lifetime of happiness is booking a role in a major Jack Black film in your early tweens. Always said that.

You won’t met a more fed-up man than the Ohio dude who’s had 3 cars crash into his house recently. Not gonna lie: I feel for him, but that’s a hilarious visual.

Nightmare fuel: man gets trapped in a Waymo that repeatedly circled the airport. That’s gotta be a sign to just skip your flight right? Feels like some Final Destination shit.

FIRST ZOOM BACK FROM THE HOLIDAYS

Flawless execution by Will here. This is how you start the year off on the right foot.

ROGUE ANIMAL OF THE WEEK

Moving into 2025, we’ve decided to pivot slightly from our previous Hump Day Hippo segment to expand our coverage to the entire animal kingdom.

This week’s nomination: this lovely spider monkey lady who was found in Missouri by police, who reported the monkey as “completely naked except for a pink tutu” and described the capture as “bananas.” Very funny, guys.

To the boys in the blue: now is not the time for your monkey jokes, capeesh? As you can tell from the tutu, this is an extremely talented monkey dancer, likely with dreams of joining the Missouri Ballet. I’d imagine her life is exactly the same as Black Swan but with monkeys and not swans (never seen the movie but assuming that’s what it’s about.) She needs your support, not your carefully worded pun humor.

Show our queen some respect. Let’s get her home.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Gotta hand it to Jerry Jones: he’s got some serious acting chops. He better be up for an Emmy next year.

• Read this on your lunch break: Do Our Dogs Have Something to Tell the World?

• Incredible piece of story-telling here from Bill Burr. Perfectly summarizing dudes from Boston in just under 2 mins. Kudos.

• Pretty fascinating article on Spotify and their plot against musicians with ‘ghost artists.’ Worth the read.

• Is there anything more ‘Dudes Rock’ than this video of a kid finding his uncle’s collection of 45 years of golf score cards and an Excel sheet breaking down his scores? This man was the definition of locked in.

• Paul Skallas, the man behind the popular Twitter account ‘Lindy Man,’ dipped the pen for GQ about his connection with Luigi Mangione and the cultural influences that shape Gen Z. Very solid read.