The Daily Friday: Wednesday 10/16

1. NASA sends probe to Jupiter’s moon Europa to assess potential habitability. If it can support condos and a moderately priced gastropub with American cuisine & beers on tap, I’m in. If not, we gentrify the Grand Canyon.

2. Abu Dhabi will be getting its own Vegas Sphere, as the UAE’s capital city looks to support the build of its first ever casino. They should expand to Chicago next and rework The Bean into a gooning cave. That’d be sick.

3. Big day for NFL WR trades, as the Jets pick up Davante Adams to address their issues with penalties, OL, and run defense and Amare Cooper gets traded to the Bills and extremely sassy on Instagram. This tweet is timeless.

4. Optimus robots at Tesla’s event were actually humans, and operated by remote employees and not AI technology. The company’s stock plummeted and Elon lost $18 billion. Hate when bad things happen to worse people 😔

5. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show returned for the first time in 6 years, after pausing due to backlash. Just got weirdly nostalgic for the days when this was as sexy as life got. I love you, porn, but you kinda ruined everything.

Also, a brief update to a story we featured in Monday’s newsletter: the threats to FEMA workers in NC ended up just being one guy, not ‘armed militia’ as initial reports claimed. Doing our best to not be part of the misinformation problem there.

Ok, back to the fun stuff.

MLB: Aaron Judge finally homers for Yankees, who take a 2-0 lead in the ALCS despite running the bases like drunks. Here’s a live look into every Yankees fan’s living room last night watching the game. Happy for you.

NHL: Very cool moment from the Columbus Blue Jackets to honor Johnny Gaudreau. RIP to a legend.

Speaking of legends, Ovechkin became the 6th player to reach both 700 goals and 700 assists in his career. I tip my furry Russian cap with flaps to you sir.

CFB: Kinda love this move from a Penn State fan who paid $1,500 to run out of the tunnel with USC before the game while wearing a Nittany Lion’s jersey. Very expensive troll job, but an effective one nonetheless.

NBA: I don’t care if he’s 5’8 and the shortest player in the league. Yuki Karamora is the future of the NBA. And I’m tired of pretending like he’s not.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Billionaire who spends $2 million/year to keep himself young forever announced he will remove all the plasma in his body, sell it (he calls it ‘liquid gold’) and replace it with Albumin. It’s gonna be so funny when this dude dies in like 4 years from natural causes.

Calling a man ‘bald’ can now be considered sexual harassment after a UK court ruling. Judge definitely watched hours of Johnny Sins’ greatest work and decided he’d do anything to protect that man’s dignity. My faith in the justice system is restored 🙏🏻

To the haters who said that it was impossible to create a magical, Wifi-blocking amulet for less than $240, Russell Brand has one response for you: “oi mate, blimey, pip pop and botha, beans and mash innit.” Still fine-tuning my impersonation of him, but imagine that in his accent and exact tone of voice. Pretty good right?

Chess grandmaster disqualified after he was caught going to the bathroom to use his phone to look up his next moves. Dude stole my go-to move for any first date.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Hippo Civil War

Fun fact: a hippo’s jaw can extend 180 degrees, nearly 6x wider than humans can. Less fun fact: a hippo’s jaw will ONLY stretch to its max when they are fighting another hippo. Isn’t that just the damndest thing?

Why do we save the worst of ourselves for those we love the most?

Imagine how powerful the hippo race could be if they just worked together? If, instead of turning on their own, they used their powers of jaw against real enemies like lions, tigers, or plastic marbles in a game created by Hasboro Toys? We’d all be speaking hippo by now if these beautiful beasts could just get out of their own way.

Hippos of the world: put down your jaws. Do not use your mouth to fight your brothers. Use it to kiss them. And I promise you, your lives will change forever. Namaste.

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RUSTY JOINS A PUNK BANK TO PROVE HE’S TOUGH

I, for one, never doubted that Rusty was tough as nails. But this sealed the deal. Another entry in the How Cool saga is complete, as Rusty links up with local punk band Strawberry Fuzz and gets styled by Cosmo, the Queen of Melrose and my new all-time favorite character. Check it out and catch up on all 8 episodes below 🤝🤝 

HUMP DAY HERO

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• I need a ticket to Goon-Con like I need to breathe (a lot.)

• Read this on your lunch break: Getting the Spark Back.

• This is your reminder that you’ll never be as good at anything as Barry Bonds was at hitting baseballs. Fun fact: from ‘01-’07, he walked 1,068 times and swung and missed 686 times. That’s preposterous.

• As someone hanging on by a thread to Elon’s new Twitter, I can confirming that it is absolutely accelerating our Post-Truth world more than ever. Fun times.

• Stumbled upon this article on stand-ups who turned to the priesthood and was enthralled. Still think a priest who became a stand-up would be cooler, but I’ll allow it.

• My roommate has seen Megalopolis 4 times and it’s taken over his entire personality.

• Pop on the highlights from the 2011 Fingerboarding National Championship to push you right into the second half of the week. Pure vibes.