OpenAI announces that ChatGPT will allow ‘erotica’ for verified adults who request the service. At last, the prophecy was finally arrived. Let’s put all the people who request this on a veryyyy special list.
Dodgers beat the Brewers to take 2-0 series lead, as they head back to LA to close out the series at home. Wouldn’t want Mrs. Teaoscar Hernandez to have to face down ghosts again (get her on the next Scared & Impaired.)
Netflix will now stream video episodes of Ringer podcasts. Can’t think of anything more erotic than a Netflix & Chill with the Bill Simmons Podcast in the background while Cousin Sal guesses the lines.
Instagram will restrict teens to seeing PG-13 content, will limit photos and videos that have foul language, sex or drug use. So the entire Reels tab? If teens named Ryan can’t see content like this, what hope do we have?
Grammy winning R&B singer D’Angelo passes away at 51 after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. RIP to a real one. Check on your local uncs today. They’re grieving.
GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO LIVING
It’s been a few weeks since GQ dropped their 125 Rules for Modern Gentlemen. It’s an excellent read for these confusing times, but it falls a bit short. Here are some of my humble entries.
When in doubt, think WWBJD (what would Big John do)
Rounds of drinks always end up evening out. Don’t be the guy requesting in the morning for $8 in beers. But don’t be the guy who doesn’t step up and get a round. If you can’t remember if it’s your turn to buy, it’s probably your turn.
Do not unplug a phone charging that is below 65%. Unless it’s an emergency, you’re gonna have to wait to juice up. That’s what you get for being irresponsible with your phone battery.
The group chat from a trip should be left in the past: bachelor parties, ski weekends, beach houses, etc. We don’t have to keep hitting that group chat up with inside jokes 3 months later. Let that be a positive memory.
Being the funny, blacked out guy isn’t that funny anymore: a hard lesson to learn in the first few years of adulthood, but a necessary one.
Do not show someone else a video longer than 30 seconds when you’re in the same space: it’s impossible to enjoy a video when you feel like you have to performatively react. Send them the video and let them enjoy on their own.
Never show up to a party empty-handed. Sure, your buddy might be “good on beers, don’t worry about it” but bring a 6 pack anyways. That’s his gift for hosting you in his spacious 4 bed, 1 bath, 5 floor walkup.
If you hear someone repeating something you’ve heard/seen (a tweet, take from a podcast, Tik-Tok joke, etc.) just let them. The IRL version of responding “i’ve seen that” to a DM. We are all the product of the content we consume. It’s just a fact of life.
What did we miss? I’d like to shamelessly steal these.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Let’s give it up for the California engineer who dominated a pumpkin growing contest with an incredible 2,346 pound beast. Dude is the official king of White Girl Fall.
He could singlehandedly make enough Pumpkin Spice Lattes to sustain an entire sorority this fall. Respect
A 38 year old unemployed Japanese man exploited a food delivery loophole app to get over 1,000 free meals worth $24k. God, this makes me want to quit my job and focusing on ripping off Uber Eats so badly. Some people really do live the dream.
Me after quitting my job to focus on scamming full time
STOP SAYING THIS IS PLASTIC SURGERY. Kris Jenner looking like this at age 69 is surely a testament to clean eating, skincare, and drinking the blood of newborns every full harvest moon. If you want to look like your daughters, you just have to work for it.
At a certain point, this becomes a Ship of Theseus scenario. How much surgery can you do before you are no longer the same person.
Who is Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY SPECIES OF THE WEEK
We interrupt our regularly scheduled hippo programming news to bring you good news from the deep ocean: the majestic Green Turtle has been downgraded from “Endangered” to “Least Concern.” All those years of paper straws actually worked.
To celebrate, here is my Top 5 Turtles/Tortoises. As always, all decisions are correct and final.
This did not make the cut because I never actually saw the movie, I just saw this clip in the trailer probably 2 billion times when i was 11.
5 - Tortoise from Tortoise and the Hare: such a bullshit win. I get the lesson from the story, but anyone with eyeballs knows that the hare cooks the tortoise in the rematch. Here’s the real lesson in life: in time, talent always wins.
4- Jonathan: the world’s oldest living turtle at age 125, he’s one of the only people who can comfortably say “that’s the best invention since sliced bread” because he was 28 years old when it was invented. He is still too young to run for Senate.
3- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: looping these 4 guys together just to be efficient. According to a Buzzfeed Quiz, I’m a rising Michelangelo with a cusping Raphael moon. Just FWIW.
2- Turtle, Entourage: Did anyone have it better than Turtle? Sick Hummer. Airplane HJ from Meadow Soprano. First to spot Saigon’s rap talent. He’d be #1 if he’d been smart enough to hang onto his Avion stock.
1- Crush, Finding Nemo: Fin. Noggin. Dude. Those 3 words changed my entire outlook on life. He’s like Timon & Pumba combined plus an excellent father to Squirt? Chiller.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Slang Words that don’t exist from Playdate Pod was sofa (think I did that right.)
Read this on your lunch break: Editing Nature to Fix our Failures.
The OFFICIAL ranking of the top 117 best NBA names of the last quarter century is a masterpiece. Stromile Swift is like poetry.
FBI Writer’s Room is a banger. Well done, boys.
History professor tricked by AI checks all my boxes. Another newsletter, another magnum opus from Danny C.
Sign of the times alert: GQ wrote a full profile on Nutmaxxers obsessed with shooting bigger loads. That’s 2025 journalism right there.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Here comes the boom NFL big hits edit. Let’s go.
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