Blue Jays will face Dodgers in the World Series after an incredibly electric HR from George Springer. True baseball porn. Tough blow for the Mariners - I completely get this reaction in the locker room. Let it out, buddy.
Amazon Web Services went down on Monday, impacting everything from workplaces to Fortnite to people’s beds. Love living in a world where you can’t sleep because an engineer fucked up. Smart House was a prophecy.
Warner-Brother Discovery is up for sale, as multiple parties including Netflix and Comcast make unsolicited bids. Don’t care who buys it, as long as they stop hiking HBO prices and we get a brand new, slightly different logo.
NBA Opening Night is in the books and I gotta hand it to NBC: I did not think Roundball Rock would fire me up the way it did. As long as we get Jordan dropping heat like this every week I’m in. Let’s go.
Scientists discover two new species in Australia, a tiny, glowing lantern shark and an almond-sized transparent crab. Both sound like they’d be absolutely delicious on a seafood tower. Thank you, scientists.
FOR THE LOUVRE OF THE GAME
On Sunday morning, 4 thieves executed one of the most brilliant, daring promos for the new Now You See Me movie heists in recent memory, making off with 8 French crown jewels from the Louvre. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
New Halloween costume just dropped?
The heist was not overly complicated, as two guys dressed as construction workers used a truck with an extendable ladder to get to the 2nd floor of the gallery (always pays to be forklift certified,) cut through the glass windows with power tools, smash through display cases and grab the jewels. This sounds like the kind of heist I’d come up with (complimentary, I’m a genius.)
After they smashed the display cases, alarms went off and the thieves fled on motorbikes, accidentally dropping the crown of Empress Eugenie and damaging it in the process. Classic thief mistake. All in all, the process took 7 minutes and the men made out with 8 pieces worth $100M, roughly equivalent to the remainder of Zach Levine’s contract. Pretty efficient.
The Louvre is facing criticism for their poor security and the fact that the diamonds were uninsured, as the people of France seem genuinely rocked by the robbery. Here’s a solution: hire the thieves to work for your security team. They’re not gonna be able to resell it (raw materials is the new hot market) and if anyone can stop a thief, it’s a thief. The Frank Abagnale model.
Meanwhile, the Louvre has re-opened this morning while the thieves are still on the run. Do you think if they just gave them back, they’d be let go? Would be a sick way to prove a point.
This is part of a string of museum robberies lately, including a Picasso worth $650k that was stolen in transit and a 4,000 year old limestome relic from an Egyptian tomb. Good time for a heists.
SHARE AND SAVE
Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See Terms and Conditions.
Account Overdrawn. The most chilling two words in the English language. Not only are you out of money but now you have to pay MORE money in fees? It’s a travesty.
Luckily, Cash App is here to help. When you direct deposit at least $300 in paychecks each month, Cash App has your back with up to $200 in free overdraft coverage. Now that’s pretty good.
PLUS for a limited time only, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real. Just download Cash App, use our exclusive referral code FRIDAY10 in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you’ll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply.
*Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Direct deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Incredible news for high school gym teachers: Emma Stone’s new movie Bogonia offered a free screening for bald people and others willing to get their head shaved. Please do this for the Shrek 5 but for anyone willing to go fully green and get shrek ears.
I know Johnny Sins is in here, I just can’t prove it
Writing a newsletter is fun, but I may make a late career pivot to pro sumo wrestling after seeing the massive soy sauce bottle that Hoshuru received for becoming Grand Champion. As a huge #dumplinghead, this would save me thousands a month.
Costco needs to start stocking these things. They’d sell like hot cakes
Travis Kelce teamed up with activist investors to ‘invest in and revive’ Six Flags. It’s honestly refreshing to see celebrities invest in causes they seem to be truly passionate about. He has the mind of a 10 year old and I find that beautiful.
He definitely seems like a guy who has logged at least 10k hours of Rollercoaster Tycoon. And I mean taht entirely as a compliment
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO HALLOWEEN COSTUME
Quick PSA before one of you makes a massive, life altering mistake on Halloween: HIPPO CULTURE IS NOT YOUR COSTUME.
Do not sexualize the hippo. It is already sexy enough
Yes, we desperately need press in the hippo community, but not like this. Not like this.
There is nothing more frightening this Halloween season than cross-species-cosplaying, particularly as it relates to the world’s #1 large, semi-aquatic mammal. You have one week to get a new costume if you ordered something like this.
If you really want to help hippos this year, please adopt (don’t shop.) A hippo is a lovely house-pet and wonderful companion for all ages, particularly young children.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Thank you for finally giving some visibility to iPad boyfriends.
Read this on your lunch break: Can the Golden Age of Costco Last? (I sure hope so.)
Almost Friday TV and friends are performing, hosting and taking over LA’s iconic Comedy Store this Friday at 8 pm. Get your lil’ asses there.
As a Jets fan, I’ve probably been sent this clip 100x. Keep your head up, young man. It doesn’t get easier, you get stronger. Drinking helps.
Drafted 2025, MVP 2017? Fuck King James. My GOAT hooper is Queen Elizabeth. Can’t believe this isn’t AI.
Big W for TikTok fan editors, who just got hired in waves by studios like Lionsgate to market movies. Actually a brilliant idea.
It’s Hump Day. When in doubt today, think WWJINPD (what would Jordan in his prime do?)
Like our newsletter? You’ll love our podcast. Episodes out every Friday, wherever you get your podcasts.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
