The Daily Friday: Wednesday 10/23

1. Juul class action lawsuit is paying out a shitload of money, with some users getting paid as high as $9k. Finally, more money to buy Juuls with 🙏🏻

2. Ex-Abercrombie CEO charged for running sex trafficking ring that targeted ‘vulnerable young men’ in an international ring. Really? The man who paid teenage guys to stand shirtless outside his stores did that? I don’t buy it.

3. e.Coli outbreak tied to McDonald’s QuarterPounder, as 10 are hospitalized and 1 reported dead after issues with onions. Coincidence that this was released 48 hours after this very real and not faked encounter? Probably.

4. Kevin from The Office accidentally called for the President of Malvodov to be overthrown in Cameo gone wrong. This unironically feels like a plot point from one of the seasons where Robert California was their boss.

5. Bronny and his dad played in the NBA together. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, some breaking news: Almost Friday TV is taking their talents to the stage this November, with live shows lined up in Boston on Thursday 11/7, Dallas on Sunday 11/10 and Brooklyn on Sunday 11/17. Watch Will, Liam, Elise, Billy and Chet do what they do on the Internet in real life. It will most likely be the best night of your life.

Ok, back to the news.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Last night, Bronny James checked into a game with his dad and made history, becoming the first father-son duo to play in an NBA game. Huge win for nepotism and goosebumps moments all around.

To celebrate this historic moment in nepotism, it’s time for the top Father-Son duos (or trios 👀) in history. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Tom and Chet Hanks: one is a cultural icon, artist and role model for positive modern masculinity. The other was in Pinocchio. Chet is doing the heavy-lifting here and Tom needs to step it up if they wanna stay on this list.

• The Bushes: the political version of the Manning family, George HW Bush has spawned one president/painter, two investment bankers and one senator best known for asking people to clap. 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.

• Jesus and God: the original nepo baby, Jesus built on his father’s legacy and created an entire New Testament, further expanding their publishing empire. The Bible wouldn’t be a top seller without him.

• Oedipus and his Dad: becoming Eskimo brothers with your dad who you murdered (spoilers, sorry) and getting a psychological disorder named after you? CBTM.

• The Hapsburgs: fuck democracy. I miss the days when a 10 year old with incest jaw was the king of the known world. GoT has nothing on real life.

• The Alous: sorry to the Bonds, Griffeys, Boones and all the Jrs playing today, but the elite MLB father has gotta be Felipe Alou, who had 3 sons get drafted in the MLB: Moises (6x All-Start) Luis Rojas (became the Mets manager) and Felipe Jr (drafted by the Royals) after an All-Star career in the ‘60s where he played in the same outfield as his 2 brothers. Wild shit.

• Mumford and Sons: didn’t do a ton of research, but going to assume they are a father-son band that won a Grammy. That’s pretty impressive.

NFL: Kansas City Chiefs finalize deal to get D’Andre Hopkins from the Titans in exchange for a 4th round draft pick. As if Will Levis’ life needed to get any harder.

Jameis Winston will be starting against the Ravens on Sunday. That’s my GOAT.

NBA: Celtics win season opener against Knicks, knock down a record-tying 29 3-pointers. I’m with Josh Hart: there is something fucky going on here. Investigate it.

WNBA: Cailtin Clark offered a ‘Lionel Messi-like’ contract from new 3v3 league that could be as high as $150 million in incentives. Take it. She’s probably not gonna be playing in the WNBA this season anyways, so might as well get the bag.

NHL:  A man was murdered on live TV last night and no one has been arrested. What happened to law and order?

MLB: Shohei’s 50-50 HR ball was sold for a record $4.4M, the most expensive ball in sports history. Whoever sold that may just barely be able to afford Game 1 tickets.

THE THC DRINK MIXER

Whether you’re seeking relaxation or just a little boost – elevate your drink experience with cbdMD's Drink Booster. It’s the best and most discreetly way to enjoy the benefits of THC in all of your favorite beverages, perfectly crafted for social gatherings, cozy nights in, or anytime you want to unwind.

Plus, if you use code “FRIDAY” at checkout, you’ll get 30% OFF everything site wide + Free Shipping. That’s pretty good. 

*This product is not for use by or for sale to persons under the age of 21+. This product should be used only as directed on the label. It should not be used if you are pregnant or nursing. Consult with a physician before use if you have a serious medical condition or use prescription medications.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Dune buckets were fucked so Gladiator II’s could fly: new bucket will feature a QR code that conjures a visualized gladiator battle. Let’s get this innovation in other theater snacks next (Milk Duds that don’t just look like deer poop but actually smell like it too.)

Doctors say we are having a ‘throat cancer epidemic’ due to an increase in oral sex among people in the US and UK. Well, that’s one less disease I have to worry about.

Gotta tip the hat to the man was fined $1k by his landlord for a ‘toxic animal waste’ smell in his apartment that he says was just his farts. All time ass-ripper right there.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Hippo Happy Meals

Thank you McDonald’s. It’s essential that we indoctrinate children at an early age to develop love for the hippopotamus that will extend into adulthood. I forgive you for inventing e.Coli.

I’m sure there are haters out there that will say these hippos are way too sexual for children’s eyeballs. What a smooth-brained take.

Yes, the girl hippo is beautiful, sultry and voluptuous. She’s also wearing a skirt that covers her mid-ruff and is the picture of modesty. And yes, the boy hippo is jacked, hairy chested and sporting a cocky, seductive smirk. That’s just an accurate depiction of an alpha hippo male. It’s just as important to educate as it is to entertain.

Daily News for Curious Minds

“I stopped watching the news, so sick of the bias. Was searching for an alternative that would just tell me WHAT happened, with NO editorializing. I found it. It’s called 1440. It assumes you are smart enough to form your own opinions.”

Sign up now!

OWEN HAN EATS 3 FEET OF JERSEY MIKE’S

The king has earned his crown.

Watch Owen Han defends his title as King of Sandwiches in the latest 60 for 60, housing 3 feet of Jersey Mike’s subs (my GOAT fast casual eatery) while discussing his new cookbook, worst sandwiches, best Shrek quotes and of course, Rice Pilaf 2.

HUMP DAY HERO

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• We need to bring back edible recipe books. Actually a genius idea.

• Read this on your lunch break: We’re In an Irony Epidemic.

• ICMYI: a girl went viral after she moved to Texas from LA for her boyfriend and immediately got dumped. Her interview with The Cut was fascinating (someone needs to talk to her about that last answer though.)

• Cooper Kupp dropped 35 on Zach Levine in a high school basketball state playoff game #themoreyouknow.

• Take a deep dive into NY Mag’s breakdown on the future of media and news. Good read but how dare they omit the world’s #1 meme page newsletter that does weekly hippo breakdowns no one asked for? Just no truth in journalism.

• Reminder to get AFTV live tickets. True fans will quit their jobs and/or drop out of school, buy a car and drive across the country to go to every one. Just saying