Nobel Prize awarded to man who could not be reached because he was ‘off the grid living his best life in Idaho.' That’s so me. As long as I have TV, cell phone, iPad, Oura Ring, DoorDash and vape, I’m good.
California passes bill that requires streaming ads to have the same audio level as the shows they interrupt. Kind of insane that ‘commercials are too loud’ is the one issue we can all agree on in this country right now, but I’ll take it.
Gold reaches $4k/ounce for first time ever amid global chaos like the US government shut down, France’s PM resigning, and T
aylor Swift’s album being exceptionally midthe Japanese bonds and yen dipping.The puck has dropped on the NHL season, which means 1) we’ve officially entered peak sports season and 2) it’s time to start hammering the Empty Netters podcast to actually sound like I know puck. Just a special program.
We have a full slate of MLB playoffs today, as the Yankees, Cubs, Phillies, and Tigers stare down elimination while I stare down a full day of doing nothing at work while I watch on my laptop. Let’s rock. PS - insane slide by Vlad here.
MARRIED IN SPACE
Destination weddings are officially getting out of control.
According to his friends, Tom Cruise is reportedly ‘intrigued by the idea of getting married in space’ to Ana de Armas.’ Aren’t we all?
I too would like to get married to Anna de Armas in space
While 'two rich, out-of-touch celebrities getting married in space’ sounds like the plot to a horror film set in 2045, I gotta support this one. It’s Tom fucking Cruise. If anyone can pull this off, it’s Ethan Hunt himself.
Throwing a wedding in space would be sick. You’d have no trouble booking a venue. You get way drunker in space (don’t fact check me on that) plus you can really trim down the wedding list to an elite crew. Your mom’s aunt is probably not gonna make the intergalactic trip but Katy Perry will be there singing at the reception. You can honeymoon on Mars. You can commit unfathomable crimes and not face repercussions for them because of space law (again don’t fact check me on that, but assuming this is like ‘laws don’t apply in international waters’ vibes, which also might not be true.)
Plus, Tom Cruise is an alien, so it’s actually easier for his family to get to space wedding. Everybody wins.
LET’S LUCY
Look how happy this guy is. Just saying
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Give it up for gentleman who set the Guinness World Record for longest continual fart with a 40 second ass rip. Incredible skill to have in the back pocket. Can only imagine how sick it would be whipping that out on a first date or job interview.
I feel like I could probably beat this, but I’m not gonna criticize the man in the arena. He had the balls to get up there and toot his little ass off and I’m here talking tough behind a keyboard. All love.
LeBron’s “Second Decision” video that teased his retirement and led to Laker’s final home game tickets surging in price, turned out to be Hennessy ad. Disappointed. I was really hoping he’d retire to stream with Kai Cenat full-time.
In all seriousness, you cannot call LeBron your GOAT after this. MJ would never do a commercial
Chalamet has reportedly been training to be a ping-pong professional for YEARS to prepare for Marty Supreme, including lugging tables around the world. This is like when Bradley Cooper practiced conducting for decades but way cooler and actually useful.
how she looks at you when you were in wonka that one time and also have an unstoppable spin serve in ping pong
Chinese man won a 70-day jungle challenge, surviving with just a knife and a bamboo pole to win a whopping $14,000. That’s good for 3.5 ounces of gold in today’s market. Always wanna buy high (just checking if you guys actually read these closely.)
You can’t put a price on losing this kind of weight, to be fair. He saved $14k in Ozempic fees, so he actually made $28k #girlmath
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO SCULPTURE OF THE WEEK
British ass set of chomper on this hippo. Blimey mate
Good lord. This is what's known as 'speculative taxodermy' which is basically when a sculptor just fucking makes up what they think an animal looks like. The teeth on this beast. Heavens. This poor hippo must either have dipped 3 cans of Copenhagen Long Cut every day for 30 years or never flossed once in his entire life. In all likelihood, it's probably both. Should be a pretty big wake up call for a lot of you out there.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I found this to be very relatable. Thank you Billy and Liam.
Read this on your lunch break: The Guide to Future-Proofing Your Child.
If you watch one thing this week, make it Matt McCusker’s Netflix special, directed by Tyler Falbo and featuring some of the Almost Friday TV crew. Masterclass.
GQ’s 125 Rules for Modern Gentlemen is very solid, with some notes. We need a VERY expanded section for airline etiquette.
Every Friend Group’s Q3 Recap is another banged from Cool Guyz Online.
Really enjoyed this guide on how to shitpost for all my memers out there. Strategically beserk is the only way to be.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Greatest video every posted.
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