The Daily Friday: Wednesday 10/9

1. Hurricane Milton heads to Tampa this afternoon, has been downgraded to a Category 4. Thank you to whoever is controlling the weather for pumping the brakes a bit. Makes the Waffle House storm center’s job a little easier.

2. Tik-Tok sued by 13 states and DC for getting children ‘addicted’ to the platform and damaging their mental health. Can someone sue on behalf of the adults as well? I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days and I hate myself.

3. NHL season underway as Utah welcomes their new Hockey Club in an appropriate fashion: with a win and a very small person doing shoeys. Chills.

4. Nobel prize awarded to two scientists who helped build the foundation for AI, including Geoffrey Hinton, who previously said that he regrets his creation. Dude has watched Oppenheimer too many times. It’s ok to be happy, man.

5. Spirit Halloween will transition to Spirit Christmas at select locations this year after Halloween season ends. How do you not name it ‘Christmas Spirit?’ Please take over Spirit Airlines next or I’ll never forgive you.

MLB: Padres back up their shit-talk with a 6-5 win, spurred on by an absolute piss missile from Tatis, his 4th HR of the post-season. It’s incredible the things you can accomplish with enough steroids.

The Miracle Mets take a 2-1 series lead with a stunning Game 3 win at Citi Field. If they close out today, Pete Alonso is going to get a statue made of him after he retires.

Pull up that second monitor on your work laptop today, because we have a quadruple header of playoff baseball. Sorry to the shareholders but nothing will be getting done.

NFL: Jets fire head coach Robert Saleh, allegedly escorted him out of the building. That’s what happens when you get between Aaron and his ayahuasca. You gotta know better.

NHL: We are finally back. Feels good.

NBA: The Knicks are so loaded this year, they have the Rizzler coming off the bench. Embiid is never going to make it out of the second round now.

LET’S LUCY

Lucy is intelligent nicotine for adults, designed by scientists to deliver the most satisfying nicotine experience, and ALWAYS Tobacco Free. Whether you use nicotine to enhance focus, boost your energy, or relax: there’s a Lucy for you.

Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Andrew Garfield said he and Florence Pugh didn’t hear cut while filming a sex scene and just kept going at it while the cameraman stood in the corner until they stopped. As someone who’s had to stand in the corner during multiple sex parties, I feel for that guy.

A new exercise pill will mimic the effects of running a 10k. So it makes you absolutely insufferable at parties and on dating apps? The FDA needs to ban it.

Raven Symone says she had to throw out Louis Vitton shoes after pooping herself. What about the pants? Where are they and can one purchase them? Asking for a friend.

Japan wages war against America, creates a beer glass that makes you drink slower. Everyone knows that beer should not be ‘savored’ or ‘enjoyed’: it should be chugged, poured down your pants or used to batter a delicious halibut. Day 1 stuff.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: High-Net-Worth Hippo

At first glance, High-Net-Worth Hippo is exactly who he seems: a titan of industry, connoisseur of fine art and a natural mainstay in elite social circles. But beneath his polished exterior lies a simmering rage, a deep well of self-loathing and despair that can’t help but bubble to the surface.

You see, he’s not like the other hippos he surrounds himself with. The one percenters. He didn’t go to a fancy boarding mangrove, grow up learning the difference between dinner and dessert grass or how to properly clean his hooves. And it drives him mad.

No matter how many millions he makes, beautiful hippostresses he beds, or politicians he puts in his pockets, he will always be that kid from the wrong side of the swamp. The one whose father left for safari cigarettes and never came back. Whose mother lost herself in a long line of bad mammals and worse decisions.  Whenever he walks into a gala or a boardroom, he can see it in their eyes: he’s not a part of the club. And he never will be.

Fine. No matter. He’ll build his own world. And smile as he burns down theirs.

Daily News for Curious Minds

“I stopped watching the news, so sick of the bias. Was searching for an alternative that would just tell me WHAT happened, with NO editorializing. I found it. It’s called 1440. It assumes you are smart enough to form your own opinions.”

Sign up now!

STRIDER WILSON RAW DOGS DAVE’S HOT CHICKEN

Strider is a goddam legend. One of my favorite 60 for 60s yet. Strider and William D breaking down the invention of podium, raw-dogging flights and the Joel Osteen impersonation saga. I don’t say this often, but this one is must-watch content, gang.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s been a long, hard 168 day journey but hockey is officially back. The Empty Netters have got you covered with everything you missed.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Digital Orphans of Pokemon.

• Love the new direction of Jon Gruden’s Tik-Tok page. Need to corner him at afters, let him rip some lines and talk ball to me until the sunrise.

• Might have to steal this guy’s move when I’m on my death bed. Easily the coolest way to go out. Carry on my legacy, future children.

• Had no idea that the creator of Scrubs was the guy behind Ted Lasso, Shrinking and Vince Vaughn’s new show Bad Monkey. Dude owns Apple TV. 

• Enjoyed this deep dive into how Galaxy Gas became the defining high of the brain-rot era. Can we just bring back salvia and call it a day?

• We are halfway to Friday. Enjoy T-Pain proving he never needed Auto-Tune to get you over the hump🤝🤝🤝🤝