Bronny Sr. makes debut for Lakers after missing 14 games with sciatica, replaces his son in the starting line-up. Absolutely wild stat that there are 82 players who were born after LeBron’s debut. Steroids rock.
Anheuser-Busch nearing $700M deal to acquire BeatBox, the party-punch that comes in what is essentially a juice box. Original Four Loko died so BeatBox could thrive. As the prophecy is written.
Pinkfall, the producer of ‘Baby Shark’, sees their shares rise in South Korea as the IPO crosses $50 million. Tralalero Tralala needs to go public in Italy ASAP. Catch the wave while they still can.
Jeff Bezos is coming out of CEO-retirement for a $6.2B AI start-up, proving the old adage: ‘you can only hang out with your jacked, hot Latina wife on a yacht for so long until you get a little bored.’ Jordan 45 vibes.
House votes to release Epstein files by a vote of 427-1, send the bill to Trump’s desk after he flipped and gave his approval. It’s all happening.
LET BELICHICK COOK
The Internet has once again exploded with reactions and takes to everyone’s favorite inter-generational couple, as Bill Belichick was spotted in the stands of Jordon Hudson’s adult co-ed cheerleading competition, hours after losing to Wake Forest.
Many as calling to “free him,” as if he’s a helpless child who needs saving. Fuck that.
He’s not going to support, but to sniff out his competition. Some of these adult male cheerleaders are jacked Adonises who burst through their sparkling gemstone outfits. That’s any woman’s dream.
Look, with modern technology, we are inventing new ways to get broken up with. Your human fiancee could end your engagement after their AI chatbot proposes to them, like this poor fella. Your husband could cryogenically freeze you on your death bed, only to find a new girlfriend years after and leave your preserved body to wake up single and prospectless in the future. You could find out that your girlfriend is having torrid affairs with not one, but two (!) president candidates that she was profiling for New York Magazine (we’re here for you, Olivia Nuzzi’s boyfriend.)
When you find that special someone, you do whatever it takes to hold on. Sure, sometimes you may find yourself at their adult co-ed cheerleading competition or getting chewed out by them at your place of work that they’ve somehow infiltrated. Love hurts, but not nearly as much as loneliness does. Hang on, Bill. Hang on.
SHARE AND SAVE
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Account Overdrawn. The most chilling two words in the English language. Not only are you out of money but now you have to pay MORE money in fees? It’s a travesty.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
If Robert Manfred had any balls, he’d implement this new bullpen camel walk-out for relief pitchers that just dropped in Dubai. Legitimately the only way left to compete with the Savannah Bananas for Gen Alpha fans.
The Savannah Arabia Bananas has a nice ring actually
TWIN GOALS: the 89 year old Kessler twins, famous dancer-entertainers in Germany, decided to die by assisted suicide at the same exact time. You come into the world together, you leave the world together. Legitimately poetic.
This is like The Notebook but without glamourizing infidelity
A gaggle of gentlemen dressed as Homer Simpson take over Santa Monica in honor of his new Fortnite character. The damage that the Gentleminions craze has wrought upon modern society will never be undone.
This looks exactly like a dream I’ve had many times. A wet dream.
Apparently there’s this movie coming out called “Wicked” that’s based on these delicious Chili’s margaritas I’ve been scorching my suck-hole with? Not sure how you base an entire movie around a cocktail, but I’ll give it a shot.
I’ve been drinking these hoping they’d kill me like the Panera Lemonade, but no luck yet. WIll keep you guys posted.
Monster Energy releases new “female-focused energy drink” called FLRT. I’m about to performatively drink these while reading feminist literature at a local cafe so hard.
Oh my god, you caught me drinking my female-focused energy drink?? So embarrassing *face-palm*
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO FLOAT OF THE WEEK
Maybe the most realistic looking parade float I’ve ever seen
Majestic. Few floats perfectly capture their subjects like this one. The crazed eyes. Massive chompers. Beautiful, voluptuous body. Michelangelo himself would struggle to sculpt a slab of marble with this much precision in care.
We used to build things in this country. Now it’s all AI and 6-7 and mewing and gooning and all that nonsense. What happened to a finely crafted hippo float carried by a horde of 9-12 clowns in old-school clown suits that are truly terrifying to behold? We lost something a long time ago and I’m terrified we’ll never get it back.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
This Playdate Pod moment was really making me laugh. Huge Counting Crows vibes.
Read this on your lunch break: The Most Dangerous Genre: How Our Obsession With Deadly Game Shows Reflects a Shift in Society.
This was easily Chalamet’s greatest performance of 2025. Marty Supreme Christas Day SCHWEPP.
Are you smarter than an 8th grader in 1899? I know I certainly am not.
God, what I would give to be in a bar in Scotland after these fellas qualified for the World Cup. Absolute scenes.
These guys are making the only kind of golf videos I want to watch any more. Respect.
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