The Daily Friday: Wednesday 11/20

1. Jersey Mike’s purchased for $8B by PE firm Blackstone, a 64000x return on the $125k loan the founder took out to start the shop as a teen. Don’t blow this, Blackstone. This is the last good chain sandwich shop left (fuck Potbelly.)

2. Famed Russian ballet dancer falls off balcony to death, just months after being publicly critical of Putin. Probably just a coincidence. Nothing to worry about.

3. Delta Airlines will serve Shake Shack on flights next month. You thought it smelled when someone ate beef jerky on the plane? Get ready for the fumes of microwaved cheeseburgers and clogged toilets permeating through the aisles.

4. Instagram will let you reset your algorithm in an effort to combat poor Feed and Explore page experience. Sorry Zuck, but I can’t risk losing this guy on my feed. I’m sticking with my finely tuned algorithm as is.

5. The domain names that Alex Jones will have to turn over to The Onion are insane. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

INSANE DOMAINS OF ALEX JONES

Last week, The Onion purchased InfoWars from Alex Jones after he was forced to liquidate his assets to pay back parents of the Sandy Hook shooting victims.

Perhaps the most interesting part of these assets are hundreds of domain names he had purchased over the years, which range from the absurd to the incredibly absurd.

We picked 5 of our favorites and tried to figure out what he’d want to use these sites for. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• GoblinLove.com: a dating site for goblins or humans who are interested in dating goblins. Generally I frown on inter-species love but I’ll make an exception for goblins. They were super nice to Harry Potter at Gringotts.

• FightChineseVirus.net: a WebMD for people who get sick after bad General Tao’s from their local Chinese buffets.

• ObamaSlave.net: a website for those of us who would willing be sex slaves for Michelle Obama (guilty as charged)

• StartHavingKids.com: a redirect for people searching ‘Start Halving Kids,’ a very common search term for those facing the Biblical dilemma of King Solomon, who tells two women arguing over a baby to cut the kid in half, thus proving the true mother. (I’m willing to admit this one was a stretch.)

• JoeRoganExposed.com: the Fappening but just for Joe Rogan nudes? Can’t imagine there is a massive audience for this, but I guess everyone has a niche.

NBA: Tre Mann absolutely yammed this sucker home. Dunk of the year so far.

Dalton Knect drops 37 points on 9 threes, is the hottest dude on the planet right now (pause.) PS: love that Lebron finally acknowledged the memes.

James Harden passes Ray Allen for #2 all time in career threes made. Still not nearly as cool as getting his jersey retired at a strip club, but impressive nonetheless.

NFL: Jets fire GM Joe Douglas as rumors swirl around owner Woody Johnson’s meddling. Why doesn’t this dude just ride off into the sunset on his baby powder fortune and leave us alone? Can’t take much more.

CFB: Ray Lewis has emerged as a HC candidate at Florida Atlantic. Pairing him with Pitbull is an absolutely electric combo. I’d be ready to run through a wall.

LET’S LUCY

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Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

John Stamos is under fire for wearing a bald cap to support his former co-star’s cancer diagnosis instead of shaving his head. As someone who re-attached his foreskin to support his non-circumcised brothers, I too am deeply disappointed. Do better.

No jokes, just appreciation for this sick ass shot of Chicken Boy. This should win National Geographic picture of the year.

New reports shows that more music was released in a day in 2024 than in all of 1989. And yes, that includes this new Christmas bop by the Costco Guys family.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Wholesome Hippos*

Sometimes life can get pretty bleak. It’s easy to get distracted, to focus on the wrong things. The election. Our jobs. Inflation. What exactly keeps happening to Jay Leno.

But that’s not what life is actually all about, is it? There’s really only one reason we’re all here: to leave this place just a little better than we found it. To continue weaving this majestic tapestry of existence. To share our hearts, our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned along the way. To carry the torch a little bit further before we pass it on.

A mother bear shows her cub how to hunt. A Manning teaches another Manning to throw a football. A hippo helps its child to swim. And so we march on. Against all odds. One unified tribe, thumbing its nose at the cruelty of existence.

One day our flame may be extinguished. That day is not today.

*this entire entry is based on the assumption that the big hippo is teaching the small hippo how to swim. If that’s not the case and it’s just like sniffing its child or something, then feel free to disregard the above. Namaste.

HUMP DAY HERO

CAN JT PARR HANDLE WILLY D’S BEEF??

Easily the most contentious 60 for 60 yet. Two comedic giants sparring in a battle of pranks, duels, and local CA municipality debates. Don’t miss this one. 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• We dropped the price of EVERYTHING on site to 20%, so hop on over and get it while you can. Yes, that includes this piece of art. 

• Read this on your lunch break: Your data’s long, strange journey through the bottom of the ocean.

• I’ve officially found the most insane TV clip of all time: this moment from Yellowstone creator’s show Landman. Finally, a realistic depiction of father-daughter creampie conversations.

• In honor of Gladiator II’s release, the Ringer’s ranking of Top Guy Cry Movies is a masterpiece.

• Everything you know about the Stanford Prison Experiment is a lie.

• Wish I could’ve written in Stavros for president after seeing this take on today’s political climate during his Theo Von podcast appearance.

• In honor of Rafael Nadal playing his last match yesterday, enjoy 10 minutes of his greatest shots of all time.