The Daily Friday: Wednesday 11/6

1. North Korean soldiers deployed to Russia have become full-blown porn addicts after getting unfettered access to Internet for the first time. Welcome to the good life, boys. If you need any recommendations, lmk.

2. MACtion is finally back and everything is right in the world. It’s nice to finally fill the Tuesday night gambling void in my life with plays like this.

3. Walmart introducing technology to get rid of locked product shelves and I couldn’t be happier. Finally might be able to buy deodorant while I’m a little high without having a full blown panic attack.

4. Joel Embiid gets 3 game suspension for altercation with a reporter. The man continues to find ways to re-invent load management. Have to respect it.

5. Trump completes comeback, wins 47th Presidency. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PRESIDENT 45 and 47

America voted and the results are in: Trump has officially been renewed for Season 2. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Republicans dominated the night, as they won their first popular vote since 2004, took the Senate majority, and picked up 1 House seat (though it’s still too early to call a lot of races.) Sorry Democrats, but this is happens when you hire Doc Rivers to close out the 4th quarter. You need to get on NBA Twitter.

• Trump made history with his victory, becoming the first president to win re-election after losing since 1893 (where my Grover Cleveland heads at????) the first convicted felon to be president, and the oldest US president to ever be elected. He’s still younger than Cameroon’s 91 year old president, which is bonkers. I barely have the energy to get through a not-that-hard desk job and he’s running a country in his 90s?? Whatever they got him on, I’ll take 12.

• By the end of Trump’s term, he’ll have been either President or a candidate for President for 12 straight years. That’s longer than Cam McCormick’s college football career. There’s an entire generation of Gen Z / Gen Alpha people that will only know a political world with him at the center of it. Pretty wild to wrap your head around, especially for a guy so radically different from any other candidate of the modern era (aka a Bush, Clinton or Biden.)

Speaking of Biden, I’m not gonna lie…I’m pretty jealous of the guy. He’s basically got 2 months to go hog wild and start crossing shit off of his White House bucket list. It’s like the end of high school but less trying to lose your V card and more nuclear code access. He went to sleep at 9:30 last night just to get a head start on his shenanigans. Enjoy it, big fella.

PUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH FIRST

When that fall gloom comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I just learned that Hugh Grant could have gone by Hugh Mungo this whole time. Missed out on a lucrative porn career and all he got out of it was being Wonka. Shame.

Love this man who got hit by a bus and immediately walked into a pub. I feel like I get hit by a bus every single day (haven’t had a vegetable or glass of water in 9 years) and don’t let that stop me from scorching my suckhole with the lads either. Respect.

Olivia Rodrigo says a guy that wants to go to space is a “red flag.” She didn’t say anything about a guy who want to go to Legoland & get shit-hammered. Still a chance.

DISGRACE: New Zealand gets rid of beautiful statue of a frowning shocker hand. Please replace it with a smiling jerk off hand this time. Thanks 🙏 

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Holy Hippo

It’s the year 2054. Cars can fly, flies can car, Joel Embiid still has not made a conference finals, and Moo Deng is the leader of the largest spiritual movement since Burning Man.

In the 30 years since correctly foretelling the Presidency of Donald Trump, the holy hippo has completed his ascension from viral zoo child to all-knowing soothsayer. Knowledge seekers make pilgrimages from across the globe to come kneel at his feet, feed him grapes, and ask him about the mysteries of life.

Yes, he knows of the troubles that lay ahead, the storm clouds that are foretold. But for now, all is right with the world. And that’s enough.

TREVOR WALLACE RELIVES HIS FRAT DAYS

Lot of firsts in this week’s 60 for 60. First ever viral steak prank. First ever winner of the “Wallace or Gromit?” game. First time we had to wait more than 90 seconds for a Rice Pilaf 2 reference. Big week all around.

HUMP DAY HERO

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Onion’s electoral map video was an absolute banger. We are so back.

• Read this on your lunch break: Kids didn’t know who Diddy was, but turned him into a meme.

• After 17 years, a group of Redditors found the Internet’s most mysterious song. It’s only the start.

• Reggie Bush’s high school highlights are absolutely absurd. Still not as cool as Cody Paul’s but dangerously close.

• Will Warner Brothers let you see Juror 2? I sure hope so.

• It’s Hump Day. Treat yourself to the mockumentary Rap World if you’re down for 55 minutes of pure Connor O’Malley comedy. You deserve it.