Philip Rivers comes out of retirement, gets signed by the Colts at the age of 44. Being a grandfather and delaying your HOF timeline just to come sling it with your boys is the stuff of legends. At least he’s got the playbook down.
Golden Globe nominations are released, as One Battle After Another leads the way with 9 noms, while Wicked is snubbed in several categories. I won’t sleep until Ice Cube’s War of the Worlds gets the recognition it deserves.
InstaCart has been jacking up prices using AI, as the grocery delivery service’s algorithmic pricing could cost customers up to $1,200/year. Revolutionary new business idea: go shopping for yourself. IPOing soon.
Powerball jackpot is now $930M, the seventh largest jackpot in history. . You currently have with a 1 in 292 million shot at winning, which is still less likely than getting eaten by a shark. Doesn’t scare me off at all.
A’ja Wilson wins AP Female Athlete of the Year, as the WNBA star is recognized for her 4th MVP award and 3rd title in 4 years. I might have to also marry Bam Adebayo. Gotta be the best way to fix your low post game.
P*RNHUB WRAPPED
PSA: if you’re currently reading this email at work, go ahead and scroll past this section and do NOT click any links. Or better yet, take your phone to the bathroom and do a real deep dive. What happens in the stall, stays in the stall.
Anyways, let’s give a shoutout to the good folks over at P-Hub, who released a 2025 Year in Review that analyzed what everyone was cranking it to this year. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
MY IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS:
Nothing but respect for New Mexico searching ‘real wife.’ None of that fake wife shit.
Clap it up for Missouri going back to the basics and searching ‘boner.’ That might have been my first porn search ever. Just good, solid fundamentals.
If Illinois wants to see ‘hairy armpits’ so bad, just pack up your bags and move to Bushwick or Silverlake. You’ll get your fill.
Pennsylvania should be not be allowed to vote in the next election. Maine and Oregon should have their vote count for double.
I love the concept of going to Las Vegas and then searching for Las Vegas porn. When in Rome, I guess.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:
The site did a nice little breakdown of top searched movie characters, which I took great offense too. Yes, Jabba the Hut is very sexy, but Star Wars has no place at the 1 spot. Elastigirl and Shrek need to be wayyyy higher.
Clearly the Daily Friday Podcast has hit the culture hard, as the term ‘podcasts’ increased by 327% this year. Honored.
When it comes to generational breakdowns, you can really tell that the loneliness epidemic is hitting Gen Z hard, as the top term searched was ‘Party,’ followed by ‘Romantic’ and ‘Virtual reality.’ Conversely, Gen Xers watch porn the way they run our country, with ‘fisting’ and ‘bukkake’ terms leading the way.
Shoutout to Japan, which spent on average 11 mins on site per visit, the most out of any country. They’re getting to at least page 4 before selecting a video. Buncha sickos (complimentary.)
Next year, please do one for each individual person. Actually, don’t. I can’t handle that.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
In-N-Out has had to remove the number 67 from its ticket ordering system after kids repeatedly went fucking nuts every time it was ordered. I’m actually fully back on board the ‘67’ meme after this one. It’s gotta be fun to be part of something tbh.
Ok time to clock in for my minimum wage job, really hope that a swarm of teenagers doesn’t go buck wild when number 67 is called
A woman gave birth in a Waymo on the way to the hospital (of course this happened in San Francisco.) Really redefining the term ‘driverless delivery’ there.
If your birth plan does not include a fully autonomous car, you need a new birth plan
Is everything ok with Zach Bryan? I can’t think of a single song where it’s necessary to include this type of demon shit like he did during the Vegas sphere. He just gave someone on mushrooms the panic attack of a lifetime.
Brock Lesnar fighting Zacy Bryan in a loincloth in the pits of hell is exactly the vibe I get from ‘Something in the Orange.’
Tough break for this car that was simply minding its business, cruising down I-95, when a plane crash-landed on them. Gonna be on the phone with insurance for a longgg time explaining that one.
This is some GTA shit (complimentary)
Ex-Chargers CB Quentin Jammer tweeted out of the blue that in 2011, he played at least 8 games ‘completely shit-faced drunk.’ Being drunk is the best. I completely get it.
I actually respect the hell out of this.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
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HUMP DAY HEART-WARMING FATHER-SON HUNGRY HIPPOS MOMENT
Very competitive category this week, but I gotta hand it to David and Peter Rush, Idaho residents who just broke the world-record for fastest time to clear Hungry Hungry Hippos by a team of team, clocking in with an astonishing 5.8 seconds.
Best father-son duo since Bron and Bronny?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Basketball coach drawing up a play on a whiteboard that’s too big was one of my favorite AF Pod characters in a while. Closely followed by this one of course.
Read this on your lunch break: Dads are the new Moms: how’s that going?
If you want to be in my top 5 best friends and access a world beyond your wildest dreams, click this link right here. Appreciate you all.
The texts between Jason Bateman, Conan O’Brien and Will Arnett after Conan’s dad died are legitimately hilarious.
If you want to kill a few hours at your desk, Bloomberg’s Jealousy List of long form articles they wish they published is amazing.
Three grandmas taking mushrooms for the first time is actually wholesome content. Kinda want to see a whole show about this.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. 1 minute of Sully MNF highlights. That’s my GOAT.
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