The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/11

1. Dozens of ‘car-sized drones’ and UFOs have been circling above NJ for weeks, and the FBI says they have no idea what they are. It’s pretty clearly aliens who heard the buzz and want to try Jersey Mike’s for the first time.

2. Proposed tunnel that could link NYC and London is estimated to cost $20 trillion. Guys, there’s no way you’re doing that shit. Just stop. We can’t even build railroads or keep Red Lobster unlimited shrimp deals in this country.

3. The Internet has become fully obsessed with Luigi Mangione, the Penn grad arrested in the UHC CEO murder. New details emerge every hour, but one thing is for certain: he shares way too much with his landlord.

4. Ohio lawmaker introduces bill to make flag planting a felony, following the debacle against Michigan. Imagine this passes and you get busted and have to tell the other Ohio inmates what you’re in for? You might get shanked.

5. Caitlin Clark named Time Athlete of the Year, becomes first WNBA player to ever receive the honor. Personally, I would have given the award to Kelsey Plum, but I’ll allow it.

The 12 Days of Suckdown Sales continues with 40% off all Friday Beers Classics. Hug Your Bros tees, dad hats, crew necks, even this sucker. Deal lasts 24 hours so hop on.

BEST SEATS RANKING

Stumbled across this sucker on Twitter (shoutout @SaucebossC) and had to give it my full attention. This an elite hang room set-up, but not all seats were created equal. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

#8: Seat 7: terrible TV angle, plus you have to walk across the entire back room’s view when you get up. You’re next to the trashcan so everyone tosses you empties all night, AND you’re out of foot reach for the coffee table. Hard pass.

#7: Seat 5: same at 7, just slightly better angle. It’s a fine seat. There are just better ones out there.

#6: Seat 2: yes, there’s absolutely nowhere to put your feet but this is still the best spot for getting up with minimal interruption to the crew. That’s great if you have a small bladder, but you’re going to be asked to bring beers / snacks back for people a lot.

#5: Seat 4: right in the middle of the action, easy access to get up for a beer and if there’s an outlet behind that trash can, you have perfect charger access for hours. However, being in the back, you may get drowned out during conversation. That’s life.

#4: Seat 1: It’s cool having your own chair, plus it reclines, but that TV angle is horrible. You’re basically going to be staring at your boys all night, which is fine if they’re cute . Also - where the hell are the arm rests? Good spot for a yapper (derogatory.)

#3: Seat 6: Easily the most space for any single seat listed, with plenty of room for lying down. For a hangover, this is ideal. For riffing with the fellas, you’ll be left out.

#2: Seat 3: Best spot to hear every convo, ideal TV watching angle, good angle for a foot rest on the table. This is a centerpiece seat. You need a core guy in this spot.

#1: Seat 8: Same traits as 3, but ranked higher due to closer distance to bong. Again, this seat is for a franchise crew member. If you can pair two dynamic conversation leaders in Seats 8 and 3, you’re looking at a Kobe-Shaq, three-peat Lakers day.

NFL: SI Swimsuit model Olivia Ponton has found herself a side hustle as a police officer, calls in a burglary at Joe Burrow’s house while she say staying there during MNF.

Shoutout to Homer Simpson, who became the first player to throw a TD and get an INT off of his own son in the same game. Historic.

Respect to Jets great Mark Gastineau for hanging onto his Brett Favre resentment for 20+ years. I hope he never gets over it. PS - hilarious that Favre has apologized for getting tackled but not stealing millions from the Mississippi welfare fund. Priorities.

NBA: The Heat are reportedly open to trading Jimmy Butler. As long as he’s close to Rachel Nichols, he’ll be guaranteed to make another run like he did in the bubble.

MLB: Yankees bounce back from losing generational talent by signing the 13th best pitcher in the MLB on the wrong side of 30 to a historically large contract. Savvy move.

NCAAF: Bill Belichick could be coaching college football next year, nearing deal with UNC. His girlfriend better have her head on a swivel.

Big news guys - We’re going to get stoned for the duration of 2025. We’re running a MONSTER GIVEAWAY for the remainder of the year. 

• A year of free THC and Delta 9 products 

• Almost Friday Merch 

• Unique Almost Friday experience 

All you have to do is click the link below, fill out 2 or 3 questions on how you like to get banged up on the weekend… and you’re good to go. 

This is the easiest giveaway you’ve ever had to enter… we’re giving you free shit for an ENTIRE YEAR.

You must be 21 to enter, you’ve got to fill out the survey, and you’ve got to love having a good time. Go enter and we’ll see you on the other side.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

JUSTICE FOR CONSUMERS: reasonable man kindly returns new Subaru to the dealership by driving it into the dealership’s front door, gets charged with ‘property damage.’ We need better return policies in this country and we need them ASAP.

Taiwanese inventor designs ‘tear gun’ that collects and freezes tears to shoot at the person who made her cry. I’d have to use this on Adam Sandler every time I rewatch Click. Sorry Sandman, but that movie gets me every time. Hope you understand.

Kentucky man arrested for riding a mule while drunk (he better have been drinking Moscow mules) for the 2nd time in 3 days. This should be allowed, IMO. How many damage can you really cause on a mule?

Woman flying to clown school in Australia was caught with a golden gun in her luggage, that she says she ‘forgot she had in there,’ despite having searched ‘can i bring a gun to Australia’ and setting a calendar reminder ‘pack gun for Australia.’

MAKING LIAM CULLAGH PEE HIS PANTS

Rusty and crew went above and beyond with this one. Did it pay off, resulting in Liam’s chinos becoming sopping wet with hot urine? You’ll have to find out.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Homeward Bound Hippo

Shame on this security guard for preventing this hippo from escaping his enclosure. This majestic beast was just trying to visit his boys or maybe even get laid with a hippess across the way. Who are you to deprive him of that, you absolute twat?

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The 28 Years Later trailer looks sick. Trailer editing is an art form and this is the Mona Lisa.

• Read this on your lunch break: How Raw Milk Went From Hippie to MAGA.

• This ranking of each Air Bud movie by plausibility is perfect. PS - it always pissed me off that the kid who tackled Air Bud in Golden Receiver and hurt him was made to be a villain. It’s tackle football dude. That’s what happens.

• This video was pretty sick. This is what my dreams are like (plus my teeth falling out and I slept through a very important exam that I forgot to study for.)

• It was fun and all to joke about the pornstar Lily Phillips who slept with 100 guys in a day, but the clips of her breaking down in the aftermath are pretty intense. I feel like she can’t go through with 1,000 guys thing right?

• Loved the return of Hoop Talk from Liam and Will. Always hits.