The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/18

1. Conor McGregor says he has agreed to fight Logan Paul in India (seems way too young?) This is the first time that a Paul brother has fought someone almost as hateable as they are. No idea who I want to win.

2. Honda and Nissan are reportedly considering a merger, creating a joint auto group worth $54 billion. This would be 3rd largest in the world and more importantly, completely dominate the Uber car economy. Priorities.

3. Bucks blow out Thunder to win the NBA Cup and every player wins one dinner with Jay-Z. Darvin Ham is confirmed a HOFer in my book. 14-0 and back-to-back Cup titles is a more impressive run than the ‘90s Bulls. GOAT.

4. PornHub will be blocked in Florida beginning January 1st, due to state’s new age-verification law. Pour one out for all our fallen warriors in FL and searches for Cubana sitewide. The end of an era.

5. Biden backs ban on Congressional stock trading, throws support behind bill. Well, that explains why Pelosi fainted and broke her hip last week. She’s going to be living in poverty next year.

WAYS JAPAN CAN FIX THEIR DECLINING BIRTH RATE

Nobody wants to bang in Japan anymore.

Japan has been struggling with a historically low birth rate the past few years and has gone to great lengths to fix it, introducing a government funded dating app, a 4 day work week (an extra day to bang I guess?) and even paying couples to have children.

None of that is gonna work, you fucking fools. Here’s my top 5 ideas.

#1: Take Hideki Matsui’s Porn Collection Away: in a GQ article in 2012, the former Yankee great stated that he had a DVD collection of 55,000 porn videos. That is a man who worships at the altar of horniness. Please never let him know the Internet exists.

While stripping him of this collection is akin to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, it will have some upside. Matsui will have an incredible amount of latent, built up lust with no tentacle porn to release it upon. If he decides to turn to real adult women, he could impregnate thousands, if not millions by 2026. Modern day Ghengis Khan.

#2: Bring Back Jerk-Off Karaoke: this could be a waste of valuable semen but I’m still hopeful. The power of song knows no limits.

#3: Invest in Your Football Team: they already beat the USA football team this year, so you know there’s a ton of potential for on the field excellence, which will translate to a rise in pregnancies at every age level. Let me explain.

Obviously, we all know how horny and fertile pro football players are (looking at you Tyreke Hill and Xavien Howard) which will help knock up the adult women of Japan. But anyone who’s ever seen a movie set in high school knows that chicks dig football players and/or nerds that stand up to football players. Teen pregnancies will skyrocket.

#4: Give This Woman a Cabinet Position: when she ran for Tokyo mayor, she stripped on the live stream and set up a free messaging stream where she engaged with voters. She might’ve lost but she absolutely has some valuable insights to share.

#5: Enforce Hygiene Rules in Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments: earlier this year, a woman made headlines after complaining that the players all smelled so bad at a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament that she had to leave the event.. That’s a huge loss for a group of men that will probably never speak to a woman again in their lives. Let’s fix this.

NFL: Michael Penis Jr. named starting QB in Atlanta.

Explains a lot: Jerry Jones has announced that he enjoys to eat squirrel brains. Checks out.

Dan Campbell had me fired the fuck up after this speech about the Lions battling injuries. If they can fight through this, I can fight through my 3 day hangover today.

Chris Russo went on an all time Mad Dog rant about the NFL on Christmas lineup.

COLLEGE SOCCER: Massive kudos to the Vermont men’s soccer team, who pulls off an improbably national championship, their first natty in school history outside of skiing (not a real sport, just something you do if you want to break a leg as an adult)

NBA: League changes All-Star game format to a mini-tournament with 4 different teams in a 3 game event. Generational hater KD did NOT like it. What a shocker. Honestly, I don’t hate it. Might as well try something different.

Big news guys - We’re going to get stoned for the duration of 2025. We’re running a MONSTER GIVEAWAY for the remainder of the year. 

• A year of free THC and Delta 9 products 

• Almost Friday Merch 

• Unique Almost Friday experience 

All you have to do is click the link below, fill out 2 or 3 questions on how you like to get banged up on the weekend… and you’re good to go. 

This is the easiest giveaway you’ve ever had to enter… we’re giving you free shit for an ENTIRE YEAR.

You must be 21 to enter, you’ve got to fill out the survey, and you’ve got to love having a good time. Go enter and we’ll see you on the other side.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Taco Bell officially announces chicken nuggets will be on their menu. Finally, an entirely new way to shit my pants from the good folks at TB. Live mas.

Columbus funeral home becomes first in the state of Ohio to operate with a liquor license, will serve drinks during processions. If I die, please bury me here.

I’ve finally found the sport that combines my experience, skills and main interests in life: Ultimate Dick Kicking. Luckily the target on my body is so small, my opponent would find it impossible to make direct contact, even if I was hard (90% chance I will be.)

CAN LUKE NULL EAT $60 OF CINNAMON TWISTS?

Easily the most insane food selected for this challenge of all time. Not for the faint of heart. Luke joins the show to talk about his time on SNL (and giving an edible to Alec Baldwin) while whipping out the ol’ guitar to sing some beautiful songs to Willy. Banger.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Pet Hippo PSA.

Dogs are overrated. They can barely even swallow a watermelon whole or rip a gazelle limb from limb and don’t have a single marble-based board game from Hansboro named after them. A hippo is a man’s true best friend and alway will be.

There’s only one cure for the Male Loneliness Epidemic: get every young boy in a America their own pet hippo that they can ride and feed a loaf of bread to.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Worst Tweets of the Year bracket is finally out and I almost threw up in my mouth several different times. Best time of the year.

• Read this on your lunch break: Starbucks is the new Venmo for Gen. Alpha.

• This one was my personal favorite, but I really could watch clips of Stephen A. Smith answering Twitter questions all day long.

• We love Beehiiv’s newsletter platform over here at Daily Friday HQ, so it was sick to see their CEO Tyler Denk get a nice write-up on Inc. Incredible photoshoot as well #jeansintheocean.

• Sometimes, I forget that a 5’3, 137 pound man was a starter who played 30+ mins a game and averaged in the double figures for an NBA team. Potentially one of the greatest athletic achievements of all time.

• What Professional Organizers Know About Our Lives is another good, long read for this afternoon. Enjoy.

• It’s the last working Wednesday before 2025. Take a deep dive on the top 100 photos of the year from the Associated Press and coast into the holiday season.