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Norwegian biathalon skier uses his bronze medal interview to apologize to his girlfriend for cheating on her (she does not seem to be taking him back.) Sorry but you can really only pull that move if you win gold. Just how it goes.
Elon announces SpaceX’s plans to build a moon city, a pivot from his long-held desire to colonize Mars. Sounds sick. You guys go ahead, get that set up, and lmk when there’s a fully operational Buffalo Wild Wings. I’ll be close behind.
Footage from Nancy Guthrie’s doorbell camera emerges (and it’s legit terrifying,) as a key piece of evidence emerges in the possible kidnapping of Savannah Guthrie’s mom. This story keeps getting weirder and weirder.
Buddhist monks finish a 2,300 mile walk from Texas to DC, a 108 day “Walk for Peace” that featured snowstorms & a car accident that left 2 monks with broken bones. Hell yes, monks. It’s been a big year for big walks.
Kurt Cobain’s death is being studied by a team of scientists who are ruling it as a homicide, not a suicide. This plus the Epstein files redactions and Ring using the Super Bowl to soft launch a surveillance state?? Conspiracy theorists might have been right the entire time.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Fella’s, if you’re striking out on Valentine’s Day plans, look no further than the good folks at Dave & Buster’s, who have hidden 5 engagement rings worth $15k in human crane machines worldwide. A story you will tell your children for years to come.
Honestly, might be even better to snag this if you’re single and at D&B’s with your roommate or something chill. Your boys deserve engagement rings sometimes.
Gotta give a brief, yet meaningful shoutout to the ramen shop manager who was arrested after punching himself in the face to fake a robbery and embezzle funds. I’ll always admire psycho-level commitment, not matter where it’s directed.
I love shit like this
Shoutout to French biathlon skier Julia Simon, who won the gold medal just months after getting convicted for stealing her teammate’s credit card and running up charges, which she says she ‘doesn't remember doing.’ An airtight defense.
I firmly believe everyone should get 1 consequence-free credit card fraud a year. Personally, I like to report my card as stolen after a big Saturday of drinking once every few months. It’s my biggest personal finance hack.
I’ve done the math and all I need is 6 good men, 48 easy payments of $499.99, and we can all share this new $173,000 Chinese companion humanoid bot named Moya as girlfriend this year. Please respond ASAP if interested.
She is unfortunately exactly my type
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero
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HUMP DAY HIPPO STEAK OF THE WEEK
I found this picture from a restaurant in France called Hippopotomaus Steakhouse (in this small city called Paris, which I believe was named after the city in Texas.)
To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if this is literal steak from a hippo's meat or if they just named to joint that, but we'll never know because I refuse to do any research for this segment.
Either way, I'm a little torn. They say you are what you eat and I'd love to be a hippo, but at the same time, I just don't think I could bring myself to sink my teeth into the world's #1 semi-acquatic mammal. I hate cows so actual steak is pretty easy but hippos are a different story. Time will only tell. I'm not a planner so there's no way to know.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Is Ignoring the Foids while munting and mogging Moids more useful then SMV chadfishing in the club? The timeless question, answered.
Read this on your lunch break: If You’re Reading This, I’m Dead.
Another banger crime scene investigators mic’d up from Garret McKenna. The man does not miss.
Finally, someone has accurately captured how it feels to have your social battery run out. Thank you, Kylie.
It’s Hump Day. Let’s push to the better half of the week with a deep dive into Derrick Comedy’s greatest hits. The OG sketch comedy group.
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