USA will face Canada for the gold medal in women’s hockey in a matchup that will feature two ladies who apparently broke up just days ago. A reverse Heated Rivalry for the gold medal is pretty electric, tbh. I’ll be locked in.
A federal judge rules that Buffalo Wild Wings can keep boneless wings on the menu, even though they are “essentially just chicken nuggets.” This is a tragedy. Our system of law and order has completely fallen in this country.
Robert DuVall passes away at age 95, after a Oscar-winning career with roles in Godfather 1 & 2 (this is insane btw), Apocalypse Now, and of course, Kicking and Screaming. This was an all-time roundtable clip. Legend.
Wuthering Heights takes #1 in the box office, as the extremely horny remake of the classic novel starring two extremely hot people crushes over Valentine’s Day weekend. Very simple, yet solid formula. Just run the damn ball.
Head of the MLBPA Tony Clark resigns due to an inappropriate relationship with his sister-in-law who was hired by the union in 2023. Can’t decide what’s worse - brother’s wife or wife’s sister. Either way, Easter is gonna be awkward.
THE KD FILES
After 2 decades in the NBA, MVP awards, All-Star appearances and Finals wins, Kevin Durant has finally cemented his legacy as superstar: the King of the Burner-verse.
Over the weekend, a story broke on social media that KD was caught using a fake Twitter account to shit-talk his current and former teammates in group chats for years, one of many burner-related scandals KD has had since 2016.
There’s no better time to celebrate our favorite burners throughout history. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
Nancy Mace: forced her staff to create burner accounts on Reddit to boost her status in threads for “Hottest Politicians.” Absolutely no need to do this, Nance. You were always top 3 in my book (closely followed by Gavin Newsom and prime Pelosi.)
Eric Lewis, NBA ref: ran a burner account that 1) defended himself as a ref and 2) publicly rooted for the Celtics (who were 60-30 when he reffed.) Maybe a bigger scandal than Donaghy but the media won’t cover it. Make it make sense.
Jane Goodell: not to be confused with the scientist who could talk to monkeys (RIP), the wife of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was busted in 2017 for running an account dedicated to defending him. Honestly, who gives a shit? That’s wife goals.
Bryan Colangelo: the former 76ers GM was exposed for running a fake account that criticized his players, debated decisions of his coaching staff, critiqued former GMs and leaked confidential medical info about his players. Also responsible for an incredible line in defense of his massive shirt collars: “that is a normal collar, find a new slant.”
STYLES MAKE FIGHTS
There’s nothing that gets me going quite like a good Saturday fight night. Gather the crew, toss a few back, and lock in for some good, old fashioned brawling. That’s what makes this Saturday a BIG one in my household: we’ve got Ryan Garcia vs. reigning champion Mario Barrios, for the world title.
Despite being a household name, Ryan Garcia has yet to win a full world title, which blows my mind. BOLD PREDICTION: that ends this Saturday in Vegas. Garcia by knockout. Book it.
There’s only one way to watch Barrios vs. Garcia this Saturday 2/21: on DAZN. Use code FRIDAY7 for $5 off PPV at checkout. Let’s go.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Captivated by the Japanese zoo monkey named Punch, who was abandoned by his mother at birth and became attached to a stuffed animal who was his only friend. Of course the other monkeys started hanging with him after he went viral. Clout chasers.
Sometimes in life, you just gotta go your own way. High school might be tough for Punch, but guarantee he’ll become the richest moneky from his zoo. Just how it goes
Backpedal of the week has gotta go to Obama, who walked back comments he made on a podcast that there are aliens, but he’s never met them, says that there is actually no evidence. If there’s no evidence of alien life, explain this one, pal.
Saying aliens aren’t real when Wemby exists is just insulting our intelligence
Pitbull is attempting to break the world record for most people in one gathering wearing a bald cap. Fuck it, just tell me when and where. I desperately want to be part of something larger than myself and it might as well be this.
Not entirely related, but Professor Quirrell might have the worst bald cap of all time. Just need to get that off my chest
Absolute masterclass of a coaching performance from UCLA’s Mick Cronin, who ejected his own player mid-game and then was an absolute dick to a student reporter during a press conference after the game. Gotta respect a lunatic.
Me during the 5th. grade CYO team I have to coach to complete my 50 hours of court ordered community service (don’t ask)
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
This is confirmed the world’s largest hippo. Just something to think about.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Now that football is over, it’s time to tap in to basketball. Here’s everything you need to know to sound like you know ball.
Read this on your lunch break: American Kids Used to Eat Everything.
Clavicular has gone from jester-maxxing and being frame-mogged to being featured in the NYT and on the Adam Friedland show. What a world.
Nothing pisses me off more than my homeboy who believes in himself too much.
Another extremely accurate banger from Eilise, Kylie and Angela.
Panel of experts at the UN determines that the millions of files in the Epstein case suggest a ‘global criminal enterprise’ meeting the legal threshold of crimes against humanity. Good. Maybe people will actually face consequences for this.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Mr. Who’s Next finishing a beer every time Lebron takes it to the rim. Just a great way to pass 7 minutes and 15 seconds.
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