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Baseball introduces Automatic Ball-Strike System (ABS) to spring training games, as one umpire gets 5 (!!) calls over-turned in a row. RIP to pitch-framing and Boone freakouts. This is terrible for the game.
Savannah Guthrie’s family is now offering a $1M reward for her mother Nancy, who disappeared over 3 weeks ago. Luckily, the FBI is all over this one.
Blizzards continue to hit Northeast, as 3 more storms are expected to come this week. Here’s hoping that more NYPD don’t get brutally assaulted like they did here (they wouldn’t last a second with Buddy the Elf throwing those things.) Reminder to everyone to make sure you’re moisturizing like this kid.
Viral Substack ‘thought experiment’ about an AI-driven recession from leads to stock market spiral. Can someone write one about the Knicks missing the playoffs so I can buy up future odds? Put this in terms I understand.
Trump delivers longest State of the Union speech in history, clocking in at a clean 1 hours and 48 minutes (coincidentally the perfect length for a rom-com in my opinion.) Al Green got kicked out, half the Democrats didn’t show and there was a McDonald’s feast afterwards. Just another day in Washington.
RANKING VIRAL ZOO ANIMALS
America’s hottest influencer is a Japanese baby zoo monkey with no friends besides a stuffed Ikea animal that has now completely sold out. Well deserved.
While the entire world is punch-drunk on Punch clips, I think it’s time to take a deep breath, step back and ask the important question: where does Punch rank among viral zoo animals? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN. (as always, all rankings are official and final.)
Me bringing my emotional support LeBron plushie out to bars with me
5- Pesto the Penguin: a fat baby who became viral in late 2024 and has started to fade from memory. So basically the Rizzler but a penguin? Not impressed..
4- Charlotte the Stingray: this lovely lady was the Virgin Mary of the animal kingdom and mysteriously became pregnant in 2024 without the help of a male stingray in her tank. A strong woman who has zero need for a man is exactly my type. RIP.
3- Punch the Monkey: I’m happy she’s making friends. I really am. I just hope they’re real friends and not clout chasers. Fame is a fickle beast, my dear Punch.
2- Moo Deng: easily the cutest animal in human history, I won’t have her cast aside for the latest hot ticket in town like an early 2000s pop star. Moo waddled so Punch could hop. Fix her cage now.
1- Harambe: gone, but not forgotten. I will always keep your flame burning Harambe. Congratulations again for winning the Friday Beers Internet Icons Bracket. You deserve it.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Dunkin’ Donuts has released new 48 oz buckets of iced coffee in select Massachusetts locations. Good start, but I won’t be fully impressed until there’s a chance it might kill me like the Panera Lemonade. A man’s gotta have a code.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my industrial bucket of coffee. I’m just not myself until I’ve had 3x the recommended caffeine intake
Thank you to the Florida man who restored a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic found abandoned at a landfill. People are reviving our heritage and that should be celebrated.
How it feels to go from hungover to golden zone after 8 mimosas at bottomless brunch on a Sunday
This image is the Rorschach test of our time. Some see a hand in a pocket. Some see a long, skinny, hairy neck sticking out of a t-shirt like this. Personally, I see an image of my dad drinking & my parents fighting, but that’s the beauty of these things.
Anyone else seeing a blue dress and hearing Yanny? Can’t be the only one
Spotify has answered our prayers at long last with the first ever Urn Speaker, a $495 Liquid Death collab item called the Eternal Playlist. I’m gonna be cranking Crazy Frog on repeat from the grave. My ancestors will worship me.
I’ve often dreamed that my favorite music streaming service and canned water company would revolutionize the decorative ash storage industry, but I didn’t know I’d see it in my lifetime. I’m humbled and moved
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero
HUMP DAY MONKEY RIDING A HIPPO
One day, Punch and Moo Deng will recreate this image, the Internet will collapse into itself like a black star, and we’ll all finally be free. One day. One day.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
NEW PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION DROPPED: If a man masturbates in public and no one sees it, is it a crime? According to the courts, it’s actually not.
Read this on your lunch break: The Babies Kept in a Mysterious LA Mansion.
The odd, immaculate vibes of the Adam Friedland Show, the talk show of our times.
This girl is so good at the ‘Gen Z girl with no personality’ character that it deeply troubles me.
Here’s a nice little walking video to tide you over today.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Phil Collins drum session to take us in to the better part of the weekend. How does he do it?
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