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Lindsey Vonn will ski in the Olympics despite tearing her ACL just last week. PSA to NBA players: I never want to hear about load management from anyone again. Unless you’re Zion (and that’s a different kind of load.)
Disney names Bob Iger’s replacement, will promoted their parks boss Josh D’Amaro to CEO on March 18th. Wow, way to totally rip off Succession, Disney. Fuck it, Tom Wambsgam best moments montage.
NBA trade deadline gets active, as the Grizzlies flip Jaren Jackson in an 8 player deal, the Bulls stay mid, Giannis still isn’t traded (just do it already) and Cleveland’s strip club economy is about to receive an all-time boom.
The Forbes 30 under 30 curse remains intact, as a 26 year old Fintech CEO was charged with fraud after raising $7M. This is exactly why I’ve made the personal choice to never achieve any level of success. Not worth it.
Penny the Doberman Pinscher wins Best in Show at the 150th Westminster Dog Show. Very impressive, but wake me up for the World’s Ugliest Dog competition in June. Need to see if Wild Thang can take back the crown.
WHIMSY ALWAYS WINS
This gave me genuine hope for the world.
After a nearly catastrophic copyright ruling, the Spanish figure skater Tomàs-Llorenç Guarino Sabaté (incredible name btw) will officially be able to use his signature Minions-themed routine at the Winter Olympics. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
God I love this guy
Tomas has been using his Minions dance routine all season long and anyone who watches it can see why: it’s a remarkable display of whimsy, raw talent, and a working knowledge of the Despicable Me franchise. My 3 main requirements for a short form ice dance routine.
However, Tomas was told on SUNDAY that the routine would not be allowed due to copyright issues with Universal Studios, meaning he’d have to change his entire Olympics routine in less than a week. Does your greed know no bounds, Hollywood??? Must you sink your talons into every part of life that brings us joy?? Do you not realize this is free advertising on a massive stage??
Minions-gate sparked a massive uproar online and within 48 hours, Universal Studios reconsidered and let Tomas use the songs and costume. Our voices do matter. They always will. Tomas was already in Milan, but luckily had packed his Minions costume “just in case.” Life lesson: always pack a spare Minions suit.
Tomas probably won’t win a medal at the Olympics (he’s competing against an American dude named Quad God who literally can do backflips on ice) but that’s not the point. You don’t have to be a winner to be a legend.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Makes me sick that a French hospital was evacuated after an 8-inch World War I artillery shell was discovered in a patient’s tiny little ass. Kink-shaming has gotten completely out of control.
Look, just because you don’t find it historical artifacts sexy doesn’t mean you have to evacuate an entire hospital just to humiliate this poor man.
You can go your entire life and not see footage as remarkable as this man getting ROCKED by a chair while pleading with a bouncer to let him back into the club. Appreciate this moment in time 🙏🏻
I’ve watched this video probably 10,000 times
I think it’s time to move to Thailand if they’re gonna keep dropping movie theaters like this one, with beds instead of seats and a $36 unlimited food & booze deal. Honestly, I might just live in this theater. Genuinely cheaper than my apartment right now.
Just add this to the list of why Thailand is literally the perfect place to get a handjob. No notes
Shame on these Brazilian soccer refs who paused a game so the goalie could go use the bathroom. Make him shit himself like a grown-ass man. I blame Paul Pierce for setting a dangerous precedent that we’ve never been able to shake.
Me after shitting myself in the middle of a work meeting and trying to act like nothing happened even though it stinks to high heaven and it was crazyyyyyy loud and everyone knew it was me
IKEA drops a 20 inch hot dog in the UAE that retails for just $5. Having to go full Nancy Reagan mode just to get to bread is crazy. You bastards at Ikea have done it again
Perfect afternoon with your boy: head to IKEA, find a nice mid century modern credenza, and share a 20 inch hot dog Lady and the Tramp style.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
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HUMP DAY HORNY HIPPO TATTOO
There are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see
I really want to know the type of person who gets this tattoo’ed on their body. And I mean that as a compliment. Like, I’d genuinely like to get to know someone who would do something like this.
There is not a single person in my life that would even remotely considering putting this on their body. And I think that’s a shame. I need to expand my social circle and it starts today. Please reply to this email if you’d get this tattoo and also want to get a beer soon.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Loved seeing Will and Liam on Sam Brown’s podcast last week (full episode here.) WKUK 🤝 Almost Friday TV
Read this on your lunch break: The Last Question Isaac Asimov Asked.
I don’t care if Elon says that the social network for AI bots that humans can’t join is “the beginning of the singularity” - if you tell me i can’t be part of something, I’m going to want to join. That’s how crippling FOMO works.
“Watching the Olympics in 2026” is another banger from Dan Toomey.
Nancy Mace didn’t need to go through all the trouble of forcing her aides to post about her rack on Reddit to boost her ranking of hottest woman in Congress. I would’ve done that for free.
It’s Hump Day. Let’s cruise into the second half of the week with a conversation between Bill Maher and Marshawn Lynch about strip clubs.
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