Bam Adebayo and Jaime Jaquez Jr. combine for 88 points in Miami Heat win. We are currently living in a world where Bam has the most points in an NBA game of any living player. I’d swap places with his wife in a heartbeat.
Biotech company says it has uploaded a fruit fly’s brain into a simulation, the first time a company has created a copy of a brain in a computer. Yet another desperate attempt to distract from Donna Kelce’s home renovation.
New iOS update will have 8 new emojiis, including a ballet dancer (no one tell Chalamet, he’ll be pissed) & a hairy Sasquatch, which is very interesting timing. Daily reminder Bigfoot is definitely, probably, possibly maybe real.
Uber launches new “women-only” feature, which allows female riders and drivers to request to be matched with each other. Pretty sure that app already exists: it’s called HER and according to my girlfriend, it’s “a totally normal place for women to make friends and there’s nothing to worry about, relax.”
Meta acquires Moltbook, a social media site for AI chatbots that went viral for fake posts about overthrowing humanity. This is how we defeat AI: get it as addicted to doomscrolling as we are, so it’s rendered useless. 3-D chess.
NBA: THEORY: Bam 83 point game was a psy-op organized by Luke Kornet to distract the masses from his role in the cancellation of Magic City night at the Hawks game. I dont know how and I don’t know when, but one day you will pay for this, Kornet.
We lost the greatest merch item of all time. A true collector’s piece
He may have just rocked the worst fit in the entire world, but I gotta admit: this quote by Shai after hitting a game-winner (and extending his 20 point game streak to a record-tying 126 games) goes pretty hard. Tough week to be a Wilt record.
WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC: Team USA loses to Italy and may not advance out of the pool play, a fact that our manager Mark DeRosa seems to not be aware of. Well, at least Skubal won’t have to miss out on any of the fun. That’s all that matters.
Not gonna find a cooler story than Czechia pitcher Ondrej Satoria, a full-time electrician who used his PTO to pitch in the WBC, tossing 4.2 innings of shutout ball.
NFL: WILD start to free agency highlighted by the Ravens backing out of a Maxx Crosby deal and signing Hendrickson instead, Daniel Jones getting a fat bag from Indy, Tua signing with Atlanta (switch to hoops and we’ll have a new Hawk Tua) and the Jets immediately becoming title contenders after signing the NFL’s 29th best QB.
It’s all part of the plan, Jets fans. Just be patient.
CBB: Top seeded Utah Valley successfully pays $1M to WAC by last night’s ultimatum to remain in the conference tournament after dispute with the league. Sounds like they pulled off the best talent show this town has ever seen. Well done.
Hofstra wins conference tourney, makes their first NCAA tournament in over 25 years (shoutout Speedy Claxton) after pulling off a semi-finals win with an insane banked 3 in OT. Wayne Chrebet is smiling somewhere.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I am strangely inspired by the turnout for this JFK Jr. lookalike contest in NYC. Not a single one of these fellas looks remotely like one of the hottest people in human history, but you really have to admire the confidence. I gotta start living with way more delusion.
BREAKING: a city-wide mirror shortage hits NYC. Residents warned to stay indoors
If Bern, Switzerland has the balls to reject calls to remove the bright, red bear penis from its flag, I’m sticking with this as my Slack photo. Man’s gotta stand for something.
The penis looks exactly like the fingers/claws. That cannot be anatomically correct
Buffalo Wild Wings dropped a wing-flavored protein espresso martini. Perfect way to get shit-hammered, stay up until the sunrise, and hit my daily protein and wing flavor intake all at once. JUST in time for the start of my Jacked by June workout regime.
This sucker hits all the main food groups. Not sure you’ll ever need to ingest another substance again.
Sigh. Megan Fox keeps posting increasingly more risque IG pics in a desperate attempt to get my attention. Meg - I’ve told you 100 times. Dakota and I are very happy together and enjoying the success of her Calvin Klein shoot. You and I had our moment in the sun, but that’s over now. We’ll always have Paris, Texas.
Close your mouth, ok? You’re gonna get flies in there
Who Is Today's Hump Day Hero?
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s prime college hoops season. We’re one week out from conference tournament time and it’s time to lock the hell in. Here are some picks from the good doctor, Dr. Locks.
CBB RECORD: 5-2
SEAT AT THE TABLE PARLAY: +4500
Arkansas, Duke, Houston and Michigan all to win their conference tournaments.
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HUMP DAY CHILD HIPPO LEARNING TO SWIM
Baby hippos can’t swim, so here’s a pic of their Mom/Dad/trusted adult hippo pushing them around the water.
Fun fact: in hippo culture, child-rearing is a communal activity. Every hippo is responsible for raising the young, teaching them the ways of the ‘potamus, and forming a stronger community to help dominate the animal kingdom. It truly takes a village.
We need to start bringing this to human life. One day, the aliens will attempt to over-take us and we will be woefully unprepared if we don’t start adopting this mindset.
Today, if you see a child out in the wild, approach them, hand them a baseball glove & have a catch. Teach them how to ride a bike and tie their shoes. Sternly discipline them if they’re being unruly. If parents protest, tell them it’s the hippo way. They’ll understand.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Kinda shocked I went 15 for 20 on this list of old people shit. Reply to this email if you went 20 for 20 for a special treat.
Read this on your lunch break: They Came to Spy on America. They Stayed to Coach Little League.
HEARTBREAKING: this man had his penis and nose swapped by doctors.
Spent an hour diving into this article about what New Yorker’s make and I may have to transition to dog-walking. Absolutely a salary bump for me.
In a career that includes roles as Tobias Funke and the principal in She’s the Man, David Cross has finally had his most iconic appearance yet: a short-form Almost Friday TV sketch. LFG.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Every Kobe 81 point game bucket. RIP.
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