The Daily Friday: Wednesday 3/19

1. Second batch of JFK files have been released, with over 80,000 pages of documents available on the National Archives website. Seems like a lot of work when our boy Rusty already solved the case like 3 weeks ago. I’m good.

2. HR software startup Ripling sues rival Deel over corporate espionage, claims they sent a spy to steal data who then locked himself in the bathroom to delete evidence after being discovered. Real life Greg from Succession shit.

3. Tracy Morgan heroically battles food poisoning, pukes his goddam guts out on the MSG floor while leading the Knicks to a win. Thank god that Bobby Baccala was there to watch over him.

4. Conan O’Brien locks in 2026 Oscar’s hosting gig just weeks after crushing. Just let the man host every year. Make everyone’s life a little bit easier.

5. Electric day of First Four games yesterday, as #16 Alabama State pulls off a win at the buzzer and #11 North Carolina proves they (maybe?) belong. Two more games tonight and then it’s finally here. LFG.

INTERNET ICONS BRACKET: ELITE 8 UPDATE

What. Just. Happened.

After 24 hours of heated debates in the comments and hundreds of thousands of votes, we are down to 8 teams, fighting for the title of Greatest Internet Icon of All Time. Voting continues today on the Friday Beers Instagram story, but for now….LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

WHAT WENT DOWN

Biggest Blowout: Harambe gave backshots to Backpack Kid (sorry) in Round 1, delivering an impressive, but not surprising, 91% - 9% victory. Champions take care of business. On to the next round.

Closest Nailbiter: In a back and forth struggle, a #1 Chocolate Rain finally put away a scrappy #4 Numa Numa guy team that refused to get out of your head, pulling out a 56% victory down the stretch.

Most Stunning Upset: In the Vine region, #4 Supa Hot Fire took it to #1 21 Kid from the opening whistle, opening an early lead 67% to 33% lead that they never relinquished.

ELITE 8 MATCHUPS

• Top seeded Chocolate Rain will face a tough matchup against a #3 Charlie Bit Me team that refuses to go quietly into the night. This will come down to officiating (expect a lot of crying and whining from Charlie) but Chocolate Rain is simply the more talented and seasoned team. Will they stay dry while others feel the pain? Only time will tell.

• All eyes will be on the heavyweight brawl in the Brain Rot region, where top seeded Rizzler battles #2 Hasbulla in a matchup between a child who looks like an adult and an adult who looks like a child. Two very different styles of play and team-building philosophies. Something’s gotta give.

• Which Cinderella slipper has a better fit, #4 Supa Hot Fires or #3 Had to Do it to ‘Em? Supa Hot Fire’s relentless pace of play is built for the big moment, but don’t look past HTDITE’s versatility. This is a meme than can be both a biting indictment of the whitewashing of hip-hop culture due to its adoption by upper-middle class teen boys and a vehicle for cursed photoshops. It’s hard to beat.

• Top seeded Harambe has more at stake than just another national title. With their lethal combination of broad scale cultural impac and overall emotional stakes, they could go down in history as the greatest team of all time. But if they want to mentioned in the same breath as ‘99 UConn Huskies and ‘11 Kentucky Wildcats, they’ll need to repeat their Round 1 performance. Can anyone take down this Gorilla (besides a zookeeper?)

MLB: It’s almost Opening Day, which means one thing: it’s ballpark gimmick food item season. Worst item: Orioles Warehouse Burger. Best item: Giants 98 oz refillable popcorn bat. No further questions at this time.

Roki Sasaki hits 100 MPH in his first 3 career MLB pitches. Good for him. I threw low 70s in high school with barely any training, so I get it.

Can I be honest? I don’t really think these new MLB replay angles are that cool. Just show me the actual play. I did have to tip my cap to this Pokemon intro though.

NBA: If only Gordon Hayward had taken notes from this Rockets fan makes $25k half court shot off the glass during halftime, then Butler might have a national championship.

BULGARIAN SOCCER: Professional team mistakenly holds moment of silence for a former player who was actually alive and just running errands in town. Hey, it happens.

LOOK, SMELL AND FEEL GREAT

Every Man Jack is a men’s personal care brand made with amazing scents and long-lasting performance. From body wash to deodorant, hair to beard care, they’ve got everything you need to look, smell, and feel great—without breaking the bank.

Personally, I’m a huge fan of the Mountain Air bodywash. Not only does it smell terrific (and help me pretend to be outdoorsy without leaving the couch) but it’s affordable. While some body washes can run you almost $20, this sucker is under $10 - big time savings that I can roll into the bar tonight. 

Give Every Man Jack a shot today. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sabrina Carpenter debuts Eiffel Tower pose during Paris show. She should do another city-specific tower pose for her next NYC show. I’m sure that would go over very well.

Gwenyth Paltrow says she ‘has a lot of sex’ with Timothee Chalamet in upcoming film, had to tell the intimacy coordinator to back off. At some point we’re gonna have to rename Linsanity run a Chalamet run. Dude is just stacking up Ws constantly.

The founder of Pirate’s Booty declares himself the mayor of a small Long Island village using an obscure state law despite brutally losing election. That’s just pirate shit, you guys wouldn’t understand.

Starbucks ordered to pay $50M to delivery driver who had hot drink spilled on his lap at the drive through, resulting in ‘debilitating nerve damage to his genitals.’ Securing a bag AND a foolproof way to last longer than 11 seconds during sex? Great deal.

BEERIO KART GOES HAYWIRE

Chaos abound. This nearly tore the office apart (not really, but it’s a fun entertaining video that you’ll like.) Just watch it.

Is your life insurance keeping up with your life?

Life changes – your insurance should too. Whether you’ve welcomed a new family member, bought a home, or started planning for retirement, optimizing your life insurance ensures your coverage keeps pace with your needs. View Money’s Best Life Insurance list to find customizable policies starting at just $1/day.

FIND PROTECTION

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Cool Guyz and Almost Friday TV collab is one that will feed families. Justice for Grumpy.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Worst 7 Years in Boeing History: And the Man Who Won’t Stop Fighting For Answers.

• Brian Scalabrine was right when he said “I’m closer to Lebron than you are to me,” as he dominated a streetballer in 1 on 1. Respect to the White Mamba.

• Might need to sign up for the Touch Grass app, which locks you out of certain apps after you exceed your time limit and won’t let you in until you submit a picture of you literally touching grass.

• IMPORTANT READ: fifteen questions about the brothers kissing on White Lotus.

• IMPORTANT VIDEO: who would win in a fight, 100 Harry Potters or 1,000,00 Kermit the Frogs??

• This new Lebron James song is an actual banger. Been singing it in my head nonstop.