Alan Richtston won’t face charges in neighbor fight, after police say the Reacher star (better known as Thad Castle in my home) acted in self defense after this body cam footage. Have to agree. Also, why in God’s name are you picking a fight with this dude?
Senate and White House near deal to end DHS shutdowns amid TSA delays and airport chaos. Just in time for me to take full advantage of United’s new Relax Row. Perfect place to order 11 whiskey doubles and piss myself.
It’s MLB Opening Day, with a game streaming on Netflix tonight and followed by a full slate tomorrow. Time to say goodbye to my friends and family for the next 9 months and stock up on the greatest shirt ever made. ‘tis the season.
The US Army is increasing their age of enlistment from 34 to 42, which actually happens to be my boss’s exact age. Maybe this whole ‘draft’ thing isn’t so bad after all. Worth all $200B in tax dollars.
AI fruit cheating drama has taken over the Internet. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
AI FRUIT ROMANCE
I’ve always said: there is no human drama quite like ones that involve AI-generated fruit.
If you’re wondering why your entire feed now involves soap-opera style videos of different fruits cheating on each other, tragically dying in blenders or standing up to bully fruits, you’re not alone. AI fruit drama has hit the timeline and it’s taking over. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
I watched like 100 of these so you don’t have to
AI Fruit Videos are exactly what they sound like: videos featuring Pixar-style fruits that are involved in highly outrageous, soap opera style plots built for you to keep scrolling. They’re is the next iteration of ‘micro-dramas,’ 60 second soap operas with absurd plots and cliffhangers, except for one key difference: they’re made by AI and just sucking the energy grid completely dry. Worth it.
The largest page is an account called Fruit Love Island, which has picked up over 3M followers launching 12 days ago, almost the exact amount as the actual Love Island Tik-Tok page. That’s of course led to dozens of spin-offs and styles (including ‘The Summer I Turned Fruity’) but we have to tip the cap to the OG account TromboneChef. Riveting content here.
The storylines for AI fruit drama have all the makers of any good soap opera.
There’s lust and betrayal (I can’t believe this strawberry wife cheated on her strawberry husband with the handsome, strong and confident eggplant at work and give to a eggberry (or strawplant? unclear.) Some of these fruits are verrrryyyy sexy, I’m not gonna lie.
We have uplifting tales of family healing, like a pregnant broccoli dumping their newborn child into the trash yet coming back into his life years later. Very powerful.
Then of course, harrowing tales of family tragedy, like a mother spaghetti clinging desperately to her pasta daughters as they fall into a pot of boiling water. The father, tragically, is stuck in the box of pasta watching. My heart just split in two.
For those asking, this is similar but still slightly different than AI fruit and vegetable videos that help educate adults on nutrition and kitchen and health hacks. It’s an important distinction. Carry on.
Look, there’s nothing I like more than playfully engaging with some online brain rot. These videos made me chuckle, but I’ve already moved on to bigger and better things that don’t destroy the planet and make energy cost a billion dollars: beaver edits. That’s what changes the world, people.
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s the best time of the year. Here are some can’t miss picks for tonight’s games from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy. They never miss (unless they do and then it’s not their fault.)
LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 2-1
#11 Texas vs. #2 Purdue: Purdue -7.5
#9 Iowa vs. #4 Nebraska: Nebraska -1.5
#4 Arkansas vs. #1 Arizona: Arizona -7.5
#3 Illinois vs. #2 Houston: Houston -3.5
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A professional corn hole player with no arms and no legs has been accused of shooting a person, driving them to the woods and then burying the body. Murder aside, doing all that with no limbs is just remarkable. Unarmed but very dangerous.
Do stub prints work the same as finger prints? Genuine question
A gentleman named Palm Beach Pete has had to come forward and say he’s not Jeffrey Epstein, even though he looks exactly like him. That’s exactly what Jeffrey Epstein would say. Not convinced.
Celebrity clone lookalikes are getting out of control. He must have used Jim Carrey’s guy
New Homeward Bound sequel just dropped: a group of 7 dogs in China were stolen from their owners, but escaped and walked over 11 miles in 2 days to make it home. Very inspiring, but why didn’t they just call an Uber?
I love that the Corgi was the leader here. This needs to be a Pixar film ASAP.
No jokes, but a brief tip of the cap to Livvy Dunne for her 4th consecutive SI Swimsuit cover. You just don’t see 4-peats like that in today’s modern era. Respect.
I miss the good ol’ days of SI Swimsuit magazines. The only way for a young man to fully discovered how a penis worked.
People say love isn’t real but how else do you explain the 3 years of marital bliss between this lady and a river in England? The secret to life is finding that special body of water you can’t live without & fighting like hell to make sure you don’t have to.
They honestly are really cute together
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
how i feel when i spend hours writing a free newsletter for you guys and the only response is “there was a typo on the third bullet point.” I’m trying my best
An extremely powerful image. This hippo is the king of the watering hole but what does that get him? Just constant attacks by people/birds that are beneath his station, jealous of his status at the top of the heap. The higher you climb, you harder you must fight to stay at the top.
It begs the eternal question of whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous bird bites or take arms against a sea of troubles? I say take arms.
Fight, dear hippo. Fight. Your blood may spill but your spirit stays strong.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Not sure who was more vindicated - the girl who was called crazy and given drugs for claiming a man was living in her house (spoiler: he was) or the flag football QB who said he was better than Patrick Mahomes.
Read this on your lunch break: Behind the Scenes with Sophie Rain, the clean Queen of the Dirty Internet.
I love when Liam hops on the Fire Stick controls like this. One of my favorite series of all time.
Do the Manosphere guys seem familiar? It’s because they’re the new generation of girlbosses.
Does it get any better than a good, old fashioned long distance pick up game? I submit that it does not.
The Year I Was Supposed to Die is a great read.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Mac McClung G-League highlights after becoming their all-time leading score.
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