The Daily Friday: Wednesday 3/26

1. More messages published from group chat planning Yemen attacks that accidentally included Atlantic reporter, as Cabinet members grilled by Congress. Tough look, guys. Not the most embarrassing accidental group chat ever, but it’s up there.

2. Hawk Tuah girl Hailey Welch returns to social media after four month nap following her multi-million dollar crypto rug pull, promotes upcoming documentary. Kinda hate how that sentence makes complete sense to me.

3. A Berkshire Hathaway employee won Warren Buffet’s $1M grand prize in his March Madness pool for the first time in 10 years. Must be nice. Last time I won an office pool, I won $40 and a 6 month HR probation (threatened to break someone’s thumbs for not Venmoing me.)

4. Boeing wins $20B contract to build Air Force’s new future fighter jet called the F-47. Can’t think of a company more qualified to take on a project like this. I love them and would never say a bad thing about them ever.

5. West Virginia becomes first state to ban food dyes, outlawing 7 different dyes and two preservatives, to go into effect in 2028. Damn, that sucks. Food dyes and preservatives are positively scrumptious. RIP 🙏🏻

🚨PSA🚨 After fierce competition, we’ve reached the championship in our Internet Icons Bracket, as the Gorilla Who Was Promised (Harambe) faces off against Hasbulla, who narrowly defeated Charlie Bit My Finger (50.5% to 49.5%) by the skin of his dick.

Vote on the stories today for the final round and make sure you snag some Harambe and Hasbulla shirts to let your voice be heard fully. Democracy dies in the darkness.

ERECTION FRAUD

I haven’t felt this betrayed since it turned out that this Steph Curry shot didn’t actually go in.

Bryan Johnson, the man who wants to live forever and has a totally normal relationship with his son, had a devastating revelation this week: his historic night-time erection statistics are not product of focus and training but entirely reliant on the performance enhancing drug Cialis.

I just threw out all of my erection tracking supplies. He is the Palmeiro of Penises. The Benedict Arnold of Boners. Vacate his titles and bar him from the Hall of Hard-Ons.

What are we supposed to tell our children? Work hard, go to school, track your boners and everything will be ok? No. It’s all a fucking fraud. What is even the point of swapping blood with our fathers anymore? ???

Bryan if you’re reading this: I hope you do live forever. And you hold the shame of this moment for every second. You don’t deserve the gift of death. Eternal life is a curse and it is now yours to bear. Shame on you. Shame on you.

LOOK, SMELL AND FEEL GREAT

Every Man Jack is a men’s personal care brand made with amazing scents and long-lasting performance. From body wash to deodorant, hair to beard care, they’ve got everything you need to look, smell, and feel great—without breaking the bank.

Personally, I’m a huge fan of the Mountain Air bodywash. Not only does it smell terrific (and help me pretend to be outdoorsy without leaving the couch) but it’s affordable. While some body washes can run you almost $20, this sucker is under $10 - big time savings that I can roll into the bar tonight. 

Give Every Man Jack a shot today. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A flight from LA to China was forced to turn around after 2 hours and delayed 6 hours when the pilot realized he’d forgotten his passport. In exchange, passengers got a $15 meal voucher. Hell yea. Time to go nuts in the Hudson News (one bag of jerky.)

A group of guys set a world record by playing one continuous game of basketball for 121 hours. Coincidentally, this is also how long it would take Ben Simmons and 9 clones to play a game to 21.

It’s time to dispel the Sydney Sweeney breakup rumors. If she was single, she would absolutely have responded to my DMs by now. Unless she lost service or something.

WE DRANK 12 BEERS AND SOLVED THE CASE OF 9 MISSING HIKERS

Weeks after sucking down a 12 pack and solving the JFK murder, Rusty and Carson are back, cracking the cold case of the Dyatlov Pass and 9 dead hikers. Must-watch.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Been a lot of talk about morning routines on the timeline this week. Honestly, though? Fuck a banana peel to face, ice bowl, Saratoga water or 4 minute pool dive. The only successful way to get your morning started is to go full Hippo Mode.

Draw yourself a bath in your apartment’s stunning combination shower-bath. Fill it to the brim. Lie on your back, stick your feet and hands above water like above (penis should be OUT of the water) and soak for hours. Ignore the filth that accumulates in the water because you haven’t washed the tub in 2 years. Block out the sounds of your roommates pounding on the door to let them in, since this is the only bathroom in the apartment and they have real jobs to get to. This is your me-time. You deserve it.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Good friend of Almost Friday Luke Null just dropped his special on YouTube. Immediate must-watch (see if you can spot some of the crew in the crowd.)

• Read this on your lunch break: Future Proofing the American Worker.

• We have unearthed the sacred texts: Family Guy’s original pilot was found and uploaded to YouTube.

• Your AI Lover Will Change You. Thank god, tbh. Someone had to.

• Good batch of sayings that don’t exist this week from Playdate Pod. Well done, boys.

• It’s Hump Day. Enjoy 38 minutes of Dirk Nowitzki swishes to get you to the better half of the week. It’s almost Almost Friday.