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World Baseball Classic begins tonight, as the US looks to avenge their 2023 championship loss to Japan. Thank god we have Aaron Judge. If this speech doesn’t have you ready to go for a light jog, you don’t have a pulse.
Midterm primaries begin, with drama in Texas as progressive Jasmine Crockett loses the Dem. nomination and the GOP heads to a run-off. Let’s have an academic decathalon to decide the winner. Mix it up a bit.
Pixar’s Hopper debuts today, riding their best Rotten Tomatoes score in a decade and a plot that follows a girl whose mind is transferred to a beaver. Ok, so a complete and total rip off of the Argentinian furry community? Give them their flowers or I will rain hell upon you, Pixar.
Investigation into Meta Smart glasses reveals that human contractors routinely review footage of customers going to the bathroom, getting undressed and having sex. Wait, people are actually doing all that stuff? Shit.
The Fast-Food CEOs Hamburger wars are upon us. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
HAMBURGER CEO WARS
Everywhere we look these days, war seems to surround us. And it should surprise no one that it has come to the most cut-throat battlefield known to mankind: the fast-food hamburger industry.
Joey Chestnut should run Palantir at this rate
Days after the McDonald’s CEO was seen lightly nibbling on the new Big Arch burger, the Burger King CEO hit back with the force of a thousand suns, chomping the living shit out of a Whopper as a show of strength and business excellence. Even the Wendy’s CEO has tapped in. Well done, sir.
When God invented Adam Smith who discovered capitalism in a lab in China, this was always going to be its natural evolution: a biggest bite competition between middle aged white men in suits to win consumer trust.
I expect all the other fast food CEOs to follow suit and prove that they use their product the way their consumers do. And in fact, I demand it.
White Castle: please eat an entire box of sliders and fall asleep in your car like the rest of your consumers. Taco Bell: get shit-hammered and suck down some Chalupas. Arby’s: you know what you must do.
As consumers, we have powerful voices. It’s time to use them. And you’re next, Tampax CEO.
Smart starts here.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Cardinals introduce new $29 ticket package for bottomless concessions, including soda, popcorn and hot dogs. The 9-9-9 challenge just became dangerously affordable. It’s actually fiscally irresponsible to consume anything in any other way now.
Me at a Tuesday night Cards-Brewers game getting my weekly caloric intact for a mere $29.99 (plus tax and tip)
New study shows that squeezing your girlfriend’s butt can make you live longer. If that’s true, I honestly have no idea how I’m still alive. A true medical marvel.
Ok, this explains why Grandpa has been hanging on for all these years. He definitely is grabbing some ass in that nursing home and you know what? Good for him
DEVELOPING: New Girl Season 5 recurring character (and Season 6 guest star) Megan Fox has posted on her IG. I give this one 6 Awoogas & 4 Hummina-Humminas, w/ a 10 second pull of a train whistle as steam pours out my ears. All decisions are final.
Mommy
If my lawyer and/or close family is reading this, please know that I have updated my final will and testament to ensure that I am buried in the $4k Supreme-branded casket. You will also be responsible for all credit card debt incurred from this purchase. Thanks.
If possible, I’d like to be cremated into the Spotify-Liquid Death Bluetooth Urn and then have the urn buried in the Supreme casket. Please respect my wishes. It’s not too much to ask.
After seeing Tom Kim’s absolutely insane hole-in-one at TGL and Tiger go absolutely nuts watching it, I’m convinced: Tiger is back. Time to bet the house.
PS - TGL has been getting me through this sports lull right now. Actually an electric piece of broadcasting.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
Everyone, meet Jellybean the new viral pygmy hippo from an Arizona zoo. Jellybean, this is…everyone.
I’m happy for Arizona, but I can’t help but feel a little deflated every time a new pygmy hippo goes viral. Why is the ONLY hippo that ever gets any love on the Internet a tiny little piqsqueak that’s a QUARTER of the size of a normal ‘potomus?
Oh look at the cute little animal that’s smaller than usual! How adorable! That definitely won’t make normal hippos feel insecure about their beautiful, curvy bodies!
Pisses me the fuck off. I’m sorry but this really upsets me.
I’m sick of these unrealistic body standards being foisted upon the most beautiful species on Planet Earth. Just once, I’d like to see a grown ass, 8,000 pound hippo, get some likes and clicks. Be better, America and/or the world.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
New nightmare just dropped: getting plastic surgery so bad that people think you’re a clone of yourself. Praying for you, Jim Carrey.
Read this on your lunch break: The Cultural Politics of Sumo Wrestling
I had no idea that Lamar Odom had 12 strokes and 6 heart attacks (???) This Netflix doc is going to be actually bonkers.
Finally, main-stream media is asking the important question: When Do We Become Adults, Really? (gotta be like 38 right? really hoping so.)
Man, anyone notice that Will’s been acting weird all day? Wonder what that’s about.
This might be the strongest Best Actor race this century. Here’s why.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. The most intense boxing match in history. Just to get us to to the better half of the week.
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