Kristi Noem’s husband exposed for cross-dressing and wearing massive, fake boobs while acting out a ‘bimbofication’ fetish with multiple sex workers online. These photos are absurd. Just another day in Washington lately.
Trendy wool shoe company Allbirds sells for $39M to the owner of Ed Hardy brand, just 4 years after IPOing for $4B. Check on a Silicon Valley LinkedInfluencer you know today. They’re not doing well.
Italy misses their third World Cup in a row, falling to Bosnia in a shootout. This shatters my world view of that entire country and the 2005 classic Kicking and Screaming. Was getting the ball to the Italians actually not the move?
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s investment broker tried to purchase large stakes in defense companies just before the Iran war, was flagged by BlackRock. Now he can focus on what really matters: defending Kid Rock.
It’s April Fool’s day, a time honored holiday for pranking and brands harvesting online engagement that has persisted for centuries. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
BRAND APRIL FOOLS DAY
It’s April Fool’s day and the brands are at it again (sadly the news about West and Amanda from Summer House is NOT a prank #teamciara.)
As a Corporate America survivor, I get the urge from people who work on brands to inject one small amount of joy into your life, but can we please just stop with the April Fool’s pranks? At this point, 1) no one is falling for them anyways and 2) you’re never going to top these iconic ones throughout history. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
This was not funny, Lucid. Do not disgrace his name
BBC Spaghetti Tree, 1957: BBC ran a television programme (it’s spelled like that cuz it’s British btw) about how the Swiss harvested spaghetti from trees. After it aired, tons of people reached out to the station to learn how to grown their own. I get it. Even if there’s a 1% chance it’s real, you gotta give it a shot.
Washing of the lions, 1698: A classic prank in London that involved inviting people to come view the annual ceremony of the ‘washing of the lions’ at Tower of London. When people showed up, there were no lion. That would piss me tf off. Nice, you totally got me! Can’t believe I believed that believable thing.
Sports Illustrated, 1985: the magazine ran a story on a baseball player named Hayden Siddhartha (great book) Finch who threw 168 MPH and was signed by the Mets. That should’e been a dead giveaway it was a fake story.
Pornhub, 2016: changed their to Cornhub and displayed suggestive videos of corn which linked to “Never Gonna Give You Up” music video (aka Rick Rolling.) Honestly, I had no idea this was a prank at the time and developed a crippling corn fetish. Thanks a lot guys.
A BOURBON NATION UNITED
Another electric weekend of games. Sure, Duke completed destroyed my bracket for the 4th year in a row. I’m currently not talking to my U-Conn fan friends. But that’s just part of the fun, isn’t it?
The good folks at Evan Williams Bourbon* (Game Day’s #1 Pour btw) have a nice saying: “Divided by the score. United by the pour.” I love that.
Let’s put our differences aside and focus on what actually matters: getting together, tossing a few back, and watching guys 10 years younger than us achieve success that we’ll never dream of.
*Evan Williams Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bardstown, KY. 43-45% alc./Vol. 21+ Enjoy Responsibly
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Shoutout to the Browns new HC Tom Monken, who missed the NFL head coach’s pic because he was getting a haircut for the picture. Already fitting nicely into Cleveland.
At least he looks absolutely stunning. Worth it.
I’m just blown away by the woman who slept with identical twins 4 days apart and now can’t medically determine who the father is. Did she know she was porking 2 different guys or was she tricked? Either way, she definitely has a type.
Anyone ever watch the TLC episode about twin brothers who married twin sisters and had babies that are biologically siblings? That was sick
WARNING: make sure you are checking your aphrodisiac chocolate this Easter, because it may have a life-threatening amount of Viagra in it, like this company that has been forced to recall all their products. Make sure the Easter Bunny is steering very clear.
Sidenote - there was no need to make mall Easter Bunnies this goddam terrifying
It’s heartbreaking to see the Olaf animatronic at Disney Adventure World have its first public malfunction, but those of us who are close with him are far from surprised. There’s a lot that goes on behind closed doors and sadly, this has become the norm.
Diva Down
Let’s pour one out for Sugar, the first surfing dog to be elected to the Surfing Hall of Fame, who passed away at 16 with 5 dog surf titles to her name. That’s my GOAT surfing dog and I won’t be hearing any arguments to the contrary.
It’s crazy that a dog who isn’t even old enough to drive a car (in human years) is more accomplished than I am, but them’s the breaks in life.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
Great. Another species subjected to the cruelty and evil of the fake profession known as “dentists.” This entire industry is full of crooks, thieves, charlatans and ne’er-do-wells and someone needs to stop them. It’s one thing to rip off human, but to pull this bullshit on the world’s largest semi-aquatic mammal? Shame on you and a pox on your house.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I’m genuinely baffled that a dude is this high up in the government and has an XVideo account.
Read this on your lunch break: The Camps Promising To Turn Your Son Into an Alpha Male.
A very excellent early 2000s commemorative coin commercial. Well done.
The think pieces have hit about the 'Maxxing’ culture online. Good read here from the Atlantic but I’ll be honest - this was about 2 weeks too late.
Just a masterclass in couple’s therapy here from the crew. Everyone really seemed to learn a lot.
The man who stopped Iran from getting the bomb is a great longform.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Let’s wind the tape back on Josh Hamilton hitting 28 (!!) HRs in the first round of the ‘08 HR Derby. Incredible display of excellence.
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