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Two Congressmen resign under threat of expulsion as Swalwell (D-Calif.) & Gonzales (R-Texas) step down amid sexual misconduct.accusations. Finally, something that unites party lines. Expect wayyy more to come with TMZ in DC.
FIFA has banned tailgating at US World Cup matches at several major NFL stadiums. If you think that will stop the people of Philadelphia, you’re nuts. PS- shoutout to NJ for making the train to MetLife $100. Just savvy governance.
United CEO floated the idea of buying American Airlines, a merger that would control over 50% of the market. Do it, then launch a 3rd airline called ‘States’ and we’ll finally have a United-States-America Airlines. As is written.
NBA play-in games were lit as hell, as the Hornets beat the Heat in OT as LaMelo celebrates by beating the shit out of the mascot and the Blazers take down the Suns to lock in a playoff spot. Massive fan of this Playoff Chain btw.
Dianna Russini resigns from The Athletic after photos with Mike Vrabel led to an investigation. Really can’t believe we live in a country where you can’t intimately interlock fingers with a close, platonic friend in a romantic, scenic venue without getting fired. This is just like the Coldplay couple all over again.
THE WORLD LOVES DOLLY PARTON
This week, a poll from the good folks at U-Mass Lowell came out, surveying people’s opinions on international figures and it should come as no surprise: Dolly Parton is the most popular person in the world. By far.
Still got it at 80. Respect
Dolly has a 70% approval rate (!!), which was higher than her closest competitors Barack Obama (not to be confused with this guy btw) and Zelensky by more than 50 points. That’s like Russell’s Celtics level of dominance by the Queen of Country, but it’s really no surprise. No one does it like Dolly.
She’s obviously got pipes on her (Jolene is the greatest song ever.) She is an incredible philanthropisty. She can act. She has her own theme park, restaurants, and Splash Country water park (check, check, check.) She was married to her husband, a dude who worked as an asphalt paver in Tennessee and avoided the spotlight, for nearly 60 years. She’s kind and humble (didn’t even get mad when she lost a Dolly Parton look-alike contest.) She is also pretty hot, which doesn’t hurt. The whole package.
I’d say she should run for president but she’s 80 years old (too young) and famously is not political, so that would kind of ruin everything. You know what? Dolly doesn’t need advice from me. Keep it up.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Clavicular hospitalized after an apparent overdose in Miami, says the worst part was ‘my face descending from the life support mask.’ Honestly, losing facial symmetry and skin glow might be the thing that helps him change his ways. You’re gonna be ok, bud.
Years of work, down the drain. Hoping this is the wake-up call he needs
As a hot-take engineer, I have to respect Jada Pinkett-Smith’s stance that she came clean about cheating on Will Smith to ‘protect his ego’ and keep their family together. I see why Chris Rock asked her out after getting slapped by her husband.
I put this book into a Yankee Gift Swap at a work Christmas party in 2023 just to see how people reacted and it was incredible
If you’re wondering what the interior of my mind looks like at any given moment, it’s a lot like this video of wild boars in Poland being chased off by an animatronic robot. I guess I’m just super complicated and deep and stuff, idk 😔😏🤔
It’s actually strange, I saw this video and felt like i’d lived this moment in a past life. Was I the boar? The robot? The silent observer? Or a secret 4th thing? No one to know *yet.)
Respect to this 60 year old cancer survivor Tom Green who is trying to become the oldest college football player in the country and walk on at McDaniel. If he doesn’t make the team, that coach needs to be fired. This is all the morale you’ll need all season.
Look, with COVID eligibility and NIL, most of these college players are old enough to rent a car anyways. Might as well let the Boomers in as well
Air Bud is back on the press junket, hits the red carpet at CinemaCon to promote his next movie. Happy for him, but the game has changed a lot since he’s been gone. If you can’t shoot the 3 and guard multiple positions, you’re just not gonna be able to hang.
Not sure if he truly has it in him, but I’m willing to be proven wrong.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO HYPOCRISY
Want some news that will ruin your week/entire life? Colombia will cull up to 80 hippos linked to drug lord Pablo Escobar after he brought them over in the ‘90s. This made me so upset I had to look up what cull meant (it means like get rid of and kill or something.)
WTF. It’s not the hippos fault that they were brought to Colombia by the dude who inspired Vinny Chase’s greatest flop. It’s not their fault they went on reproduce and became an absolute menace to the the country. Colombia should be lucky this many hippos decided to grace their country. Shame on you. Shame on all of you.
I would personally let them crash with me, but right now my landlord is pretty pissed at me (don’t ask) and I have a lot of trips coming up, so I’d have to figure out a hippo-sitter and stuff, which would obviously be annoying. But yeah, someone else step up.
Gray Hair? This Is How You Reduce It Naturally
Most men dealing with gray hair have two options: live with it or dye it. Dye works, but it has a tell. The roots. The uniformity. The fact that it looks like something you did rather than something you have.
But now there is a third option: Particle Anti-Gray Serum. A daily spray that works at the root to gradually restore your natural color — hair and beard — without dye, without mess, without anyone knowing you're doing anything at all. Premium ingredients. Clinically researched. Thirty-day guarantee. Over 1,000,000 men use Particle because the results look like them.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
What a week for Offset. Performing in a wheelchair after getting shot over a gambling debt is just the tip of the iceberg (i ship him and Cardi B HARD.)
Read this on your lunch break: Politics After Literacy.
Will has been part of a multi-year training operation known as Pavlov’s roommate. This is the final result.
Wait, so Geese actually was an industry plant?? I lost my belief in everything.
Can’t stand that one friend who uses Apple Maps. Like what are you trying to prove, dude?
I have to agree with this author that watching a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse has become a living hell. Breaks my heart.
Dave Chappelle has said that he’s “open” to bringing back the Chapelle show. Fuck yes. Here’s a compilation to celebrate.
It’s Tax Day. Let’s celebrate by honoring the greatest forensic accountant ever: Detective Alan Gamble. The Other Guys is the greatest pure comedy ever and I won’t hear any other arguments.
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