The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/16

1. Texas Roadhouse has passed Olive Garden as the country’s largest casual restaurant chain. Big W for lovers of affordable red meat and curated vibes. If we could get adjacent locations in every city, we’d solve all our problems.

2. Over 60% of Coachella tickets were financed through payment plans this year. Look, if you’re gonna go into debt, might as well do it while watching T-Pain crush. There are much worse things in life to spend your money on.

3. Blue Origin trip to space criticized by many for being ‘out of touch.’ Personally, I have no issue with it (it gave us this meme after all.) I don’t even care if it was staged: that’s the price you pay for a Katy Perry space concert.

4. OpenAI is working on a new social network that will utilize ChatGPT and AI image generation. Perfect, that’s exactly what we need right now.

5. American Airlines introduces free wi-fi on their planes, joins the rest of the major airlines in offering the service. Thank god. I’m sure it’ll work as well as their hangry passenger enforcement policy.

Here’s a fun fact: yesterday (April 15th) was the date of an absurd amount of historical events, including the Titanic hitting the iceberg (spoiler,) Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, Abe ‘Big Stinking” Lincoln’s death, me committing tax fraud and much more. #themoreyouknow.

NBA: Congrats to Warriors fans for winning their play-in game last night and securing the 7 seed. Now you can eat your spaghetti at home like normal people.

I’m with Trae Young. If you’re going to get ejected, you might as well bully the refs on your way out. Never let them know your next move.

MLB: Tough look for the Cubs, who dropped 2 foul balls in an at-bat that ended in a Manny Machado home run. They would fit in perfectly with our company softball team (we are now 0-9 after winning the title last year. Championship hangover is real.)

Another week, another lesson in incompetency from the Oakland A’s, whose medical cart runs out of gasoline and had to be pushed off the field.

WNBA: First Wemby, now this? I am calling for an immediate investigation into France after seeing the tape on 6’6 Dominique Malonga, who got drafted #2 overall by Seattle. You guys were supposed to be good at croissants and surrender, not hooping.

TENNIS: Very much respect this move by Harriet Dart, who asked the umpire to tell her opponent to wear deodorant. Even if you lose the match, you’ve still given your rival a new lifelong insecurity. That’s always a W.

CFB: Belichick’s girlfriend is rapidly rising up my trophy girlfriend rankings. This is exactly how you seize the moment. She’ll be calling defenses by Week 2.

Mike Leach died 3 years ago, but his legacy still lives on. One of the greatest offensive minds of any generation.

TREAT YOURSELF

Do you believe in fate? This newsletter was meant to find you for a reason. Listen to the universe, buy yourself a Rory McIlroy Master’s tee and turn your entire life around.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Praying deeply that this Sydney Sweeney photoshoot is for Challengers 2 and features a three-some with her, Daniel Devito, and Brian Daboll. Cinema needs that now.

Kudos to this extremely respectful criminal. They may get him for evading police but they will not nab him for failure to yield to oncoming traffic. A man’s gotta have a code.

Ladies: if he wanted to, he would. Man calls bomb threat on GF’s cruise ship because he did not want her to go on vacation without him. I do the same thing but with her job, the grocery store, and her parent’s house. Really any time she leaves the home.

THE SQUAD PLAY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

The Almost Friday TV cast dares to go where no man or woman has gone before: the murky town of Trundlevald. Legitimately hilarious long-form this week.

Certifiable must watch content.

HUMP DAY HIPPOPOTOMAN

Nothing like coming home from a long day of work and kicking your feet up on the hippopotoman. And for just C$99, it’s a total steal (guessing C$ is a new form of currency?)

Truly one of the most versatile pieces of hippo themed-furniture that I’ve seen on the market. Not only does it feature an incredible amount of storage, but there are hand holes in the nostrils for easy convenience. This is perfect for anyyyy situation where you want to put your hands in a hippo’s nostrils (I can list a dozen right now, but just don’t have the time. Modern life is full of many complexities and responsibilities, as I’m sure you’re all aware.)

Anyways, my birthday is coming up in roughly 33 days if anyone wants to surprise me with this sucker. Address is the same as your mom’s house 😏😏😏

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s not possibly to rule any harder as a dude than Skyscraper Guy. So just give up now.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Podcaster Asking You to Side with History’s Villains.

• The only thing standing between you and the perfect pregame is the Almost Friday card game. Get yours at Target now. Or regret it for the rest of your life.

• Not gonna lie, this sounds like the absolute perfect night with the lads.

• A Portrait of ChatGPT as a Young Artist is an interesting conversation about using AI in writing and art. Worth the read. 

• LIFE HACK: meet up with your ex’s new boyfriend at least once a month.

• Conspiracy Corner: couldn’t decide whether to discuss the CIA finding Noah’s Ark or the declassified report about aliens turning people to stone, so just threw them both in. Enjoy.