The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/2

1. Val Kilmer passed away last night at 65 after complications from pneumonia. RIP to the star of Heat, Top Gun, Batman Forever and many more. Legend.

2. Trump will announce tariffs during ceremony at 4 pm EST, declaring today “Liberation Day” in a move that could radically affect the economy and stock market. Kind of a rip-off of Lebron’s The Decision, but I’ll allow it.

3. Sean Kingston and his mom were found guilty of wire fraud, could face up to 20 years in prison for each of the 6 charges. Thanks a lot. Always wanted to start a scam with my mom and now she’s getting cold feet.

4. New Beatles biopic project announced, with 4 different movies being released telling the band’s story from each member’s perspective. Kind of a cool idea. They better all be played by CGI monkeys or I won’t be attending.

5. Arizona Iced Tea announces Rizzler partnership, who’ll be featured on cans. Better not be an April Fool’s thing: I love the idea of someone who has no idea who he is buying this at a 7-11. Our generation’s Shirley Temple.

Let’s give a BIG shoutout to Playdate Pod, who has been nominated for a Webby Award for best comedy episode of the year (VOTE HERE so they can win the whole dang thing) and Red Flags, who was an honoree in the same category. LFG.

GREATEST FEATS OF ENDURANCE

Congratulations to NJ Sen. Corey Booker, who entered the history books yesterday after complaining about Trump for 25 straight hours in the Senate. All-time yap session. Let’s hope he doesn’t start a podcast or we’ll never win a Webby again.

While this was a remarkable illustration of the triumph of human will, it still did not crack my personal Top 5 Feats of Endurance. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

5. Man who watched TV for 69 straight hours: Doesn’t feel that long to me. That’s basically like watching all of Entourage and then the movie in one sitting. I did that during winter break of my sophomore year of college. It was a breeze.

4. Guy who worked 84 years at one company: God, what’s wrong with this new generation?? People just don’t want to work 8 decades at the same company anymore and it’s sad. This guy probably got a cake and a $20 Starbucks gift card for his troubles. Worth it.

3. Bonnie Blue porking 1,057 men in 24 Hours: one of the most remarkable physical achievements of the modern era. Let’s set aside “morality” and “basic human decency.” Doing anything with 1,057 people in 24 hours is impressive. That’s 44 people/hour with NO breaks. If she shook hands with 1,057 guys, I’d stand and cheer, but taking the time to make tender, passionate love to them? Just exhausting. Can’t help but applaud.

2. 9 hour hunger and thirst strike by Texas Congressman: I can’t go 3 hours without jerking off and he lasts 3x that with no food or water? He probably skipped breakfast AND lunch. It’s incredible what the human body is capable of.

1. College kid who took a 174 hour shower: I’m sorry, WHAT? That’s over a week in the shower. Can you imagine how pruny his fingers would be? How dry his skin was? How soggy all of his food was and how foul his shower shits were after? How many times did he crank it? This was 1972, so good music hadn’t been invented yet - what did he listen to? Was he alone with his thoughts?? Who the hell is this guy, Gandhi???

MLB: The A’s have truly spared no expense with their new press conference set up.

Well, that didn’t last long. Reporters are already trying to get Yankees players to blame torpedo bats for elbow injuries. They are totally normal bats, find a new slant.

NBA: A very, very long and respectful tip of the cap to this Hawks fan who tore his ACL shooting a layup during a half-time contest. That’s how you leave it all on the line.

All-time classic regular season game last night between the Nuggets and T-Wolves featured a 60 point triple double from Jokic, 21 lead changes and a colossal series of Russel Westbrook brain farts that led to a double OT loss.

D3 LACROSSE: Tough scenes from the Gettysburg-Muhlenberg broadcast. Gotta be aware of our hot mics, fellas. That’s Day 1 stuff.

NFL: New rule changes next regular season will include giving both teams a possession in OT, touchbacks moving to the 35 yard line, and the introduction of electronic first down measurements. RIP to the Chain Gang. Gluest profession in sports.

Jameis Winston’s new mantra for the Giants this year: “more giggles, more laughter, more fun.” Honestly, love that. Might have to implement that at Friday Beers HQ as well.

LOOK, SMELL AND FEEL GREAT

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Personally, I’m a huge fan of the Mountain Air bodywash. Not only does it smell terrific (and help me pretend to be outdoorsy without leaving the couch) but it’s affordable. While some body washes can run you almost $20, this sucker is under $10 - big time savings that I can roll into the bar tonight. 

Give Every Man Jack a shot today. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A drawing that a woman bought for $12 at a garage sale could be a Renoir worth $1M. Gives me a lot of hope. Bet this Shrek oil painting that I bought is worth twice that.

Portland man has no idea who’s been leaving giant jugs of urine in his recycling bins or why, but he does know that “it’s a lot of pee.” Hey pal, stop blocking your blessings. You don’t wonder who Santa is or why he gives you an X-Box. You just embrace it.

OnlyFans sued by two men who realized they weren’t actually messaging with models, but agencies of people impersonating the models. Sucks for them. My OnlyFans ladies would never do that to me.

Woman uses world’s longest tongue to play Jenga. What a waste. Use your powers for good, like cleaning up the damage after the world’s largest popsicle melted and closed down multiple NYC blocks. Would take her like one lick. Maybeeee two tops.

WE BECAME THE HIGHEST PAID STREET PERFORMERS IN LA

Yet another masterful performance today’s How Cool episode. Let this motivate you today. If Rusty and Willy can become rich and hung moderately successful street performers, you can do anything you set your mind to.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Glue Guy’s Top 10 Ways to Say Home Run thread was A+ work. I do wish that piss rod made it in there, but no one’s perfect.

• Read this on your lunch break: Inside Ben Affleck’s Plan to Remake Hollywood.

• Beautiful. Just give the American Idol crown to this lady who sang the Sunday Night Football theme song. That should become the new national anthem.

• Does gossip get a bad rap? Yes, but you didn’t hear it from me (see what I did there?)

• This clip might’ve been the hardest I’ve laughed at a stand-up clip in a good while. Feels good get a nice belly laugh in first thing in the morning, doesn’t it?

• It’s Hump Day. Let’s throw it back to Lil Dicky’s all-time freestyle on Sway in the Morning. One of the greatest to ever do it. Roll Spides, baby.