The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/22

Today is Earth Day, which means its the perfect excuse to take a long lunch at work, go for a nice little walk in the sun and listen to latest episode of the Daily Friday podcast (with special guest Rusty Featherstone) to distract you from the horrors of life. Enjoy.

Tomorrow is the NFL draft. In the spirit of this glorious evening, let’s do a quick power ranking of the Top 9 Best Drafts (because I couldn’t think of 10.)

9- Draft from a Window: I HATE an unexpected chill while I’m hanging in my gorgeous 500 foot apartment. Not only am I freezing my ass off, but I now have to text my landlord Boris to fix it and I’m 90% sure he blocked me after The Incident (don’t ask.)

8- Bank over-draft: you’re out of money and then you get charged $35 for being out of money. How the hell is that gonna work, Chase?? The only benefit to this is you might be able to report all your bar tabs from the weekend as fraud and get the money back.

7- Military draft: if we lose all the able-bodied 18-25 year olds in this country, who would we underpay to do the bullshit work we despise in the office? Who would play on my favorite sports teams? Who would be the personal trainers that sleep with our wives?

6 - Drafting in the Tour De France: pretty sure it’s cheating (I’m not gonna look it up) but you have to admit it’s very cool. Sorry jocks, but science rules. Read a book.

5- Fantasy mock draft: championships are won in mid August. In the cubes, Excel sheet on one screen, ESPN on the other. Grinding out your 10th mock draft of the day. You need to game-plan for all outcomes. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

4- Chris Draft: drafted in the 6th round by the Bears, he managed to put together a 12 year career as a linebacker from 1998-2010. Very solid in run support, he had 124 tackles in 2003 and won the Ed Block Courage award in 2002. Drafting Draft? CBTM.

3- Rough Draft: there’s a freedom in creating something that doesn’t have to be good. It just has to exist. (PS - every newsletter I’ve ever sent you is a rough draft. Don’t get mad about typos or inaccuracies. This was never meant to be seen by human eyes.)

2- NFL draft: this is the season of hope. Of expectations. Of Mel Kiper slowly showing the signs of dementia on live TV. Poorly fitting suits. Booing Goodell. Letting a B- draft grade from ESPN ruin your weekend. It’s beautiful.

1 - Draft Beer: superior freshness. Ideal temperature. Optimized carbonation level. Plus you get to drink out of a cool glass that you can steal for your kitchen. Win-win.

Prego releases a dinner conversation recording device that sits on your family table. I finally feel at ease now that I have Big Pasta watching over me. Thank you Big Pasta.

I gotta give it up for the Cavs, who have introduced my favorite mid-game fan competion ever: the ‘Don’t Blink’ cam, which involves putting a leaf blower directly in fans faces until they blink. I would’ve loved to be in the meeting where this was pitched.

Genuinely terrified to hear that a truck full of 1 MILLION bees crashed on the highway. Anyone who’s seen the Bee Movies know what if those fuckers get out, they are all headed straight for the wives of America to start having emotional affairs with them.

Thank god that Vegas has introduced these slot machines that follow you around, even when you’re done playing with them. I want to be gambling 24/7 but sometimes i get tired and run out of money. I need an accountability buddy to keep me honest.

GUYS HUGE NEWS: there is a officially hippo movie coming out this year. We did it.

I’m torn on this development. On the one hand, all press is good press. As long as our beloved beasts are on the top of people’s minds (and hearts,) we win as a community.

HOWEVER. I am a bit scared of the depiction I’m currently seeing in the trailer. Are the hipppos…the villians?? Hippos are hungry, yes but they are NOT vicious creatures (unless they have a super good reason to.) It’s just a trailer so I don’t want to get too upset about it, but we will have to be very vigilant in monitoring anti-hippo discourse in the media when this is released. More updates to follow.

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