The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/23

1. Chipotle will open a location in Mexico, looks to further expand into South America. Finally, these people can understand what a real burrito tastes like. Time to open a Panda Express in China and a Five Guys on a porn set next.

2. People saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to ChatGPT is reportedly costing OpenAI millions of dollars in energy costs. Is there any data on saying “I love you” or “I wish you were real” or “do you have robot lady parts?” Just curious.

3. White House is considering a $5k “baby bonus” to incentivize Americans to have more children. Phillip Rivers could be a billionaire. PSA: if the only thing standing between you and having kids is $5k, maybe just skip it.

4. AirBnB will now show you the total price up-front when booking a rental in an effort to improve transparency. If this ‘total price’ doesn’t include fees for light arson and holes punched in wall, it’s still not accurate. Happens every time.

5. Food dyes will officially be banned by the FDA and HHA, impacting snacks like Skittles, Flaming Hot Cheetos and those really good purple Doritos. Time to soak in the Red 40 while we can. I’ll never forget you </3

NHL: Starting a petition to have all national anthems performed by harmonicas moving forward. Please join me in my cause.

This is how all goalies should be goalying moving forward. Full contact sport, boys.

Absolute scenes in Toronto after this OT goal from Max Domi. Chills like you read about.

NBA: Anthony Edwards penis continues to cost him a ton of money. And he’ll still never out-meat Donovan Mitchell.

I am giving full credit for the Pacers win last night over the Bucks to this fan with the hand-made free throw clock. If they win a title, give him a ring.

MEDIA: Just days after shitting his pants on live TV, Shaq gets every working man’s dream: an on-set porta potty.

Shannon Sharpe calls $50M sexual assault lawsuit a ‘shakedown’ and releases texts between him and the accuser, a 20 year old OF model. Good lord almighty. Do not read these on your work computer (unless you’re a little freak.)

NFL: WHOLESOME STORY ALERT: Court lifts Travis Hunter’s father’s probation travel restrictions to allow him to attend the draft. This is going to be sick until ESPN completely hammers us over the head with it 10,000 times.

MLB: Hot start for the Orioles new streaming service, which accidentally charged customers $8,999 instead of $89.99. How rich are Orioles fans? Wouldn’t your card immediately just get declined? Am I broker that I thought?

GLITCH IN THE MATRIX. Can whoever is running this simulation make it suck a little less for me personally? I have a list of actionable items I can share with you.

Gotta tip the ice cream hat to this fan, who is slowly accumulating souvenir ice cream helmets from every MLB team. New kind of autism has just been unlocked.

SOCCER: Kudos to these English footballers (British for soccer) who took matters into their own hands at halftime and shit in a ref’s shoe. Control your destiny, folks.

GEAR UP FOR THE NHL PLAYOFFS

It’s finally NHL playoff season and you deserve a treat. Look no further than the Empty Netters shop for all your looking sick needs.

The entire collection is incredible, but my personal favorites have gotta be either the bear crewneck or the Rink Rats tee. The kind of stuff that you see and go “ya know, I may actually rock that.”

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

If you watch one video today, please make it this Australian TV interview. Genuinely the most stunning things I’ve ever seen. All twins should be jailed until further notice.

Happy Earth Day: salmons are reportedly swimming faster upstream due to painkillers in rivers. Hell yeah. Had no idea Tiger Woods was a salmon now.

A helicopter dropped 15,000 marshmallows over a Detroit suburb during what is known as the Great Marshmallow Drop. Wash those dirty marshmallows down with a glass of Flint water and you have the perfect meal. Michigan kids are just built different.

Thoughts and prayers go out to the OnlyFans model who has been hospitalized after attempting the carrot challenge. Don’t want to kink shame but who in the world is this possibly for? Are rabbits watching porn now?

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS PART TWO

The stunning follow up to our ground-breaking first episode is finally here.

The gang finds themselves in the grand opening of Copy’s Cat Tavern…but things go sideways fast. Mimics. Shapeshifters. All-out battle. Who will survive. Find out now or hate yourself even more than you already do.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Might look violent but this is the human equivalent of tossing your kid into the air in the pool. Baby hippos love this shit. Trust me. This is not hippo child abuse and please do not report it. Stay out of other species business and they will stay out of yours. Capesh? Now keep it moving, Romeo.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Really, really tough showing out of these Wheel of Fortune participants. Everyone knows the answer was panda boat.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Race to Turn Brainwaves into Speech.

• Coach O speaking French is the only ASMR that my body will respond to. Can’t sleep without listening to these soothing sounds.

• Why Creativity Became the Reigning Value of our Time. Good read.

• Liam’s 15 questions you should never ask a woman is perfect. No notes.

• It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Adam Scott’s introduction scene in Eastbound and Down. Just because it always makes me laugh.