US and Iran agree to a 2 week ceasefire after Trump threatened ‘a whole civilization will die’ if a deal was not struck. Anyone else feel insane trying to go work yesterday with the threat of WW3 looming? Could barely focus on what really matters in life: adding shareholder value.
Huge brawl breaks out during Angels - Braves game, as Jorge Soler charges the mound in a fight that had punches thrown, a new brass knuckles technique, and a remarkable form tackle from a manager. LFG.
London Wireless Festival cancelled after headliner Kanye West gets blocked from entering the UK and multiple brands pull out. Seems pretty reasonable? Let’s try to give it at least a year since he’s done stuff like this.
The Enhanced Games get a $1.2B valuation, as the sports league that requires athletes to use steroids approaches their first event in May. As someone who abuses performance enhancers daily (Vyvanse, gas station dick pills, smelling salts, etc.) I fully support this. Legalize steroids nationwide.
British computer scientist Adam Back named as ‘Satoshi,’ the mythical inventor of Bitcoin after a year long investigation by the NYT. Back responded by saying “I’m not Satoshi.” Exactly what someone who was Satoshi would say.
ALMOST AUGUSTA
Hello Friends. The most magical 4 days of spring (and best excuse to use a second monitor at work) arrive tomorrow, as the 91st edition of The Master’s tees off in Augusta. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
when she unblocks me on LinkedIn
Inventor of the indoor golf Rory McIlroy looks to defend his first green jacket, though he will be battling back spasms and internal shame after disgracing the good name of Irish cuisine for his Master’s Dinner. Personally preferred our menu, but what can you do? PS - this is incredible.
New father of two Scottie Scheffler is the favorite this year at +600 (assuming he doesn’t get arrested before his tee-time again,) followed by Jon Rahm (+1000) and Bryson (+1200.) My dark horse? Adam Scott. I loved him in Severance, Party Down, and of course, Derek in Step-Brothers. Had no idea he was so good at golf.
Tiger Woods will be missing his second Master’s in a row for obvious reasons (how is there STILL more body cam footage btw? His streaming content gets clipped more than Clavicular), but if you still have hankering for betting on a Woods, don’t worry - you can go to Sage Valley and bet on Charlie to win the Junior Invitational. I’m sure some local alcoholic/bookie will take your action.
Other storylines to monitor throughout the week: even the concession menu is not inflation proof, Paige Spironac is back at at it again (thank you ma’am) and Jim Nantz continues his long retirement tour. Reminds me of my 4th year of college, or as I like to call it: Sophomore Year, Season 3. Lots of people go to college for 7 years, ok.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I am not casting any judgment towards NFL reporter Diana Russini and Mike Vrabel for being spotted holding hands and cuddling on vacation. This is just what friends do. Me and my boys all have physical touch as our love language and this is natural for us.
Normal friend behavior, nothing to see here
I am activating my ‘staged viral marketing stunt’ detective abilities for the ‘12 tons of Kit-Kats were stolen’ story that has led to this armored truck delivery. They 100% stole it themselves.
Why does Kit-Kat have more protection than the Louvre? Doesn’t feel right
What a roller-coaster of a situation for this fan in Tampa who caught a foul ball (sick), had his pants fall down (awesome, great to get fresh air down there) and full ass exposed to the entire stadium and broadcast (not cool, most people pay to see that.)
Genuine nightmare of a situation
Thank you JibJab Hot Dog Shoppe for this beautiful message. Fuck fortune cookies: I will only be taking life advice from hot dog store signage moving forward.
This lowkey changed my perspective on life. Thank you Jib Jab
A message to Big Music Video: I know exactly what you are doing putting all these hot ladies in one music video. I am still powerless to resist. You win this round. I’ll be back.
Women are hot. There, I said it.
Who was today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPOS HUMPING
Life is simple, but we choose to make it complicated.
I’m just now realizing that hippos aren’t circumcised. I guess why would they be? Never really thought about it.
Too many of us are worried about the wrong things. Fancy new cars. Rich linens. Oil prices. Personal hygiene. The stock market. Whether we have a ‘drinking problem’ or a ‘personality problem that comes out when we drink.’ None of that matters.
You know what does matter? Fnding that one special hippo in life, taking them deep into the African sahara, and executing 45-50 seconds of beautiful hippo-style love making as she rests her face on a rock. It’s really that simple.
Boy hippo meets girl hippo. They fall in love. They get featured in a 3x/week daily newsletter from a meme page that you sometimes read if you’re bored. A tale as old as time.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I’m not sure when it happened, but all of a sudden chess is at the forefront of the sports world and I couldn’t be happier. Need to see that Anal Bead cheating doc.
Read this on your lunch break: What Does Extreme Wealth Do to the Brain (I’d love to find out one day.)
Had no idea that Tobias Funke was supposed to be black. Excellent clip from Playdate and David Cross.
Great read here on whether Sam Altman can be trusted with the future of AI (spoiler - he can’t) but I do just want to highlight that header image. Horrifying.
PS - try this link if you’re getting paywalled.
I mean, this right here has gotta be one of the greatest videos of all time.
The story of the writer who snuck onto #16 at the Masters and made an albatross is even crazier than you’d think.
It’s Hump Day. Time to crank this Pumped Up Kicks live performance and coast into the better half of the week. Absolute bop.
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