The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/9

1. Tariffs officially went into effect at midnight, with over 86 countries getting hit. The world responds, as China hits back with 84% and Europe follows suit. Gonna have to take out a loan to split the G from now on.

2. Ja Morant introduces new tossing a grenade celebration, days after receiving fine for his repeated finger gun gestures. I guess the league technically did not say ‘no grenades.’ Gotta be more specific, Silver.

3. White House tip line to report illegal immigrants is flooded with calls reporting Elon. Technically true! Tough few days for Musk, who public feuded with Peter Navarro, lost $5B in a day, and got bullied off a livestream.

4. Florida wins national championship in men’s basketball, their 3rd title as a program and first since going back to back in ‘06 and ‘07. Shoutout to Coach Golden. Proof that good things happen to bad people 🙏🏻

5. Sabrina Carpenter is officially a Fortnite skin and our long national nightmare is finally over. Can’t wait to see how she incorporates Fortnite into her next Juno position. My vote is this or a bazooka, but I’m open to whatever.

ALMOST AUGUSTA

Hello Friends. The most magical 4 days of spring (and best excuse to use a second monitor at work) arrive tomorrow, as the 90th edition of The Master’s tees off in Augusta. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Scottie Scheffler is the favorite this year at +475 (assuming he doesn’t get arrested before his tee-time again,) though inventor of the indoor golf Rory is close behind at +675, as he chases the final major needed for a career grand slam. My dark horse? Adam Scott. I loved him in Severance, Party Down, and of course, Derek in Step-Brothers. Had no idea he was so good at golf.

• This will be the first year without Tiger Woods since 2021, after he ruptured his Achilles while “training for the tournament.” Sureeee buddy. We all know that’s code for “making sweet, tender yet powerful love to Donald Trump Jr’s ex-wife.” Your secret is safe with us, pork-lord 🙏🏻

• The Master’s Dinner went off without a hitch last night, as last year’s winner Scottie Scheffler served up a delicious feast fresh off Applebee’s 2 for $20 menu. Love it. Just run the damn ball.

• Cam Smith has had by rocking a suit jacket during his practice round. Sick brag that you can afford dry-cleaning bro. Speaking of fashion, our new Master’s designs as absolutely insane this year (complimentary.) Get ‘em while they’re hot.

• Other storylines to keep an eye on this week: the famous egg salad sandwich has NOT been affected by egg pricing, Paige Spironac is back at at it again (thank you ma’am) and Jim Nantz begins his long retirement tour. Reminds me of my 4th year of college, or as I like to call it: Sophomore Year, Season 3. Lots of people go to college for 7 years, ok. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Woman was forcibly removed from a RyanAir flight after her card was declined trying to pay for Pringles. This is why I always bring my own food on a plane. Your card can’t get declined while you’re eating clam linguini that’s had 3 hours to heat in your backpack.

Extremely productive double-header between Yeshiva University and Lehman College’s DII baseball teams, who split both games to snap 100 and 42 game losing streaks. Congrats to Zach Hample, who is now the biggest loser in baseball. Well-deserved.

Very inspired by this Minnesota landlord who started an apartment fire while blasting “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Time to call up my boy Soulja Boy, blast this song, and give him the night of his life. He deserves it.

DOC’S LOCKS

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PRE-HISTORIC HUMP DAY HIPPO

There’s been a lot of talk these days about reviving old animals. The Dire Wolf is back. The Wooly Mammoth is next. Soon, they’ll be recreating Jurassic Park and bringing back dinosaurs and Ron Howard’s hot daughter.

Seems like a lot of work for animals that aren’t even cool or related to hippos in any way. What the hell am I going to do with a Dire Wolf? Raise it as my own, bring it to the dog park and hope it doesn’t devour someone’s labradoodle in one bite? I got a full time job and a dark and mysterious past to worry about. Kinda busy.

Let’s focus on bringing back animals that actually rule, like the pre-historic hippo. Hell, let’s re-incarnate every iteration of the hippo’s evolution, breed them all together, and see how many different variables of hippo we can invent. So far we already have hippos that are hungry, christmas gifts, mascots, rock bands, and horny. There is plenty of room for at least a dozen more variations.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• I agree with this take 100%. Therapists should be middle-aged and ugly.

• Read this on your lunch break: Does Luck Exist?

• Rusty and Willy’s ‘Ways to Say You’re Going to Bed’ are electric. Not sure how they keep coming up with these, but I hope they never stop.

• The story of Valerie, the mini-Daschund has been on the loose for over 500 days on a wild Australian island, evading capture and surviving on its own, will be a Pixar movie by 2027. Mark by words.

• Can’t imagine a bigger gambling rush than the Thai military draft process. Makes a casino seem like a cupcake factory (probably not a good metaphor because that also might be stressful place to work but you get it.)

• Man, life as a doctor in 1350 seemed chill as hell. Need the @ of the patient’s wife as soon as possible, please.