1,700+ cruise passengers are confined on ship after norovirus outbreak. Meanwhile, hentavirus cruise passengers remain quarantined (nice digs, btw) & this fucking story happened. There’s so much cruise news, I’m half-expecting Tom to jump on Oprah’s couch & announce he’s King of Scientology.
Spurs dominate T-Wolves in Game 5, as Wemby returns from elbowing the living shit out of Naz Reid (relatable) to put up a dominant performance. Meanwhile, LeBron’s season ends (and maybe his career as well?) and Cavs even the series (this was the cherry on top for James Harden.)
eBay rejects GameStop’s bid to purchase them, calls the unsolicited $55B offer from the company that’s 25% their size “neither credible nor attractive.” Oh well. Shooters shoot. If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.
Spotify rolls out new Wrapped for 20th anniversary, laying out user’s entire streaming history, including first song listened to and most streamed song ever. Don’t even need to check mine. I already know it’s this sucker.
PGA championship tees off tomorrow at Aronimink, as Scottie looks to go defend his title while Rory tries to keep his hot streak rolling. I’m hammering Cam Young. He’s been accidentally conforming to the new ‘you have to use a shitty ball’ rules for years and still playing lights out. It’s his time.
With the government finally releasing UFO files to the public, it was only right to have Liam Cullagh on the podcast this week to discuss. We went down a lottt of rabbit holes (shoutout Corn Man.) Enjoy before the government takes it down.
COLLECTIBLE BEER CUPS ARE HERE
Thank you Miller Lite. This might be the first good news we’ve gotten about the World Cup.
The good folks over at Great Taste, Less Filling HQ have dropped the MVP Match Ball, a massive soccer ball that holds 12 beer cans for just $19.75. I can’t even get a sad salad for lunch at that price. LFG.
This is right in line with a a trend I’ve spotted on Al Gore’s Internet: sports teams launching beer drinking apparatuses for viral clout. And ya know what? I’ll absolutely allow it. Here’s my current Top 5.
This is sick
5 - Caroline Hurricane Beer Skate: genius design and original idea. I can’t see myself using it as a drinking item once I leave the stadium, but still very cool.
4- Red Sox Cooler Cup: the only way to make a Red Sox game enjoyable these days. These things fucking rule. I’d even go so far as to say they’re cute as hell. Only downside is they’re just way too small. Good for a cocktail.
3 - Buffalo Beer Sabre: look, this is very cool. It also has the benefit of looking like you’re slurping down a penis, which is fun to joke around with when you’re with the boys. The downside here is you simply can’t set it down, so you’re either chugging it at once or forced to walk around holding an entire sword full of beer.
2- Utah Tusk Mug: slept on. Something about drinking from a dried tusk makes you feel like you’re a Nordic Viking or in Game of Thrones. It’s a little unsettling to think about drinking from the severed body part of your Mammoth mascot, but that’s life.
1- The Beer Bat: all the benefits of the beer sabre, but this one you can actually set down on a lovely stand like this. Plus, when you’re done, you can use it to as a bat. Maybe hit soft toss in the parking lot and even some light tee work at home. Win-Win.
LET YOUR STICK DO THE TALKING
BREAKING NEWS: Dr. Squatch has a new head professor, and it's Megan Fox. She's running The F.O.X. (Foundation for Odor Excellence) and class is in session. The lesson? Real men pay attention to their deodorant.
As a big time sweater, this is incredible news for me as we head into the summer. I can’t keep throwing out my favorite shirts because the pits are stained to high heaven. I can barely afford to drink 4-7 nights a week as it is.
All of that gets solved with Invisible Glide deodorant. Natural, aluminum-free, 72-hour odor protection that goes on invisible (no more leaving white marks behind on clothes.)
Plus - it’s Megan Fox. If she says to do something, are you really not gonna listen?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A Canadian man who was brainwashed by ChatGPT came to believe that he was a genius and went on to ‘apply to be the pope.’ Had no idea you could even do that. Might be time to update the resume and start hitting LinkedIn.
Give me like a week to clean up my resume and write a cover letter, and then I’m gonna need JD Vance to go meet with the new Pope so the role opens up again.
Makes me sick to my stomach that Giants players were asked to stop this celebration. If men can’t smash their dicks together, then how can we joyfully celebrate vibrant masculinity in a safe space? I don’t even recognize this world anymore.
My coworkers and I do this after every conference call. I don’t see the issue.
We have reached the final form of peak male physique: ball-maxxing, a process that involves injecting your scrotum to increase your sack size that is being described as ‘electrifying, addictive, and euphoric.’ You didn’t have to sell me at all. I’m already in.
South Park’s impact on culture needs to be studied
Shoutout Hillary Duff, who got her first SI Swimsuit cover. I know Gordo is still holding out hope. Go poke her on Facebook like a responsible, friend-zoned 38 year old would.
Scientists believe they have solved the Bermuda triangle mystery and discovered a hidden structure under the Atlantic Ocean. Man, first the Iran War, then the UFO files, now this. They really want to distract us from Clavicular’s unjust prosecution.
The ‘hidden structure’ is just a fully advanced society built by Nemo’s 699 siblings that actually were not killed, but were just taken by Nemo’s mother who left Marlin because he was a deadbeat husband. Just a fact.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIP PO
That's right folks, I have changed the word Hippo to Hip Po and created an image of Po from Mulan being hip and wearing a fedora. Didn’t even use AI because fuck that shit. That’s the kind of shit we do over here.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
The Vrabel-Russini situation might actually help the Pats this year? Might not be that delusional of a take, to be totally honest.
Read this on your lunch break: The New Obsession With Testosterone.
I can confirm that this video is exactly what a day in the life is like here at Friday Beers. (this actually undersold how many band-aids are used tbh.)
The Great Zombification is upon us and I’m actually pretty scared.
Incredible to see friend-of-AFTV and one half of ‘That’s A Bad Idea’ Curry Baker make it all the way to big-time Hollywood director with a New Yorker profile. Great read. (link to break paywall.)
We’re hosting the World Cup this year and no one seems to be happy about it. And ya know what? I can’t say I blame anyone. (link to break paywall.)
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Reggie Bush high school highlights.
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