The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/14

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1. MLB Hall of Fame reinstates Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson and others, rules that discipline ends after a player dies. Change this rule before the steroid guys die please. Would hate for Brady Anderson to never get to see his bust.

2. The Middle East is dropping that US bag, as Qatar gives Trump a $400M jet and Saudi Arabia commits to investing $600B in the US. Personally, I was most impressed by this mobile McDonald’s truck. Innovation that excites.

3. Apple is reportedly testing the idea of planting chips in user’s brains to let them control iPhones with their mind. These chips better be Cool Ranch Doritos amiright??? My bad, I let the Apple chip write that joke. Still a prototype.

4. AirBnB announces new features including experiences hosted by celebrities, like cooking BBQ with Mahomes (only if Jackson comes) and spending a day with Sabrina Carpenter (AWOOGA.) Recession indicator.

5. United CEO Andrew Witley is stepping down for ‘personal reasons.’ I get it.

PS - shoutout to Nico Harrison for playing 4-D chess this entire time. Levels to this.

CHALAMET’S HEATER

I haven’t seen someone on a run like this since Papa John in 2019 (40 pizzas in 30 days is untouchable.)

It’s no secret that Timothee Chalamet has been on an absolute heater the past year. Starred in 2 Oscar movies, knew ball on College Game Day, dating Kylie Jenner, dragging the Knicks to a 3-1 series lead, losing his look-alike contest, making Gwenyth Paltrow rediscover her latent sexuality; the list goes on and on.

He’s about as hot as he can get. Here’s how he can stay hot.

1. Public Feat of Athletic Prowess: Prove that he doesn’t just know ball, he can ball. Sure, he could rip a first pitch at an MLB game. But that’s been done. I’m thinking bigger. I’m thinking win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest and dethroning Joey Chestnut in the process (pull some strings for his reinstatement of course.) Coney Island’d make a statue of him.

2. Drop an Iconic Phrase that Enters the Lexicon: straight out the playbook of one of my Top 5 Nepos, Chet Hanks, aka inventor of ‘White Boy Summer.’ This is how you achieve immortality. Here are some good phrases you can steal.

3. Convince Belichick to break up with Jordon Hudson: this will bridge the gap between generations and make him a hero across the country. Imagine this headline dropping in August? It could capture the nation.

4. Go to Space and Don’t Sing: leave it to Katy Perry to fuck up something as cool as going to space. Look, anyone who’s seen the Bob Dylan movie knows that Timmy has pipes. Taking a moon trip and sitting there in silent reflection will show he has something more powerful: restraint.

5. Take out a Health Care CEO: look, it worked for Luigi. Legally, I can’t tell him to do this but I’m just saying it’s an option. Something to consider.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Salma Hayek may single-handedly save Sports Illustrated with this performance on the swimsuit cover. If she can do this at 58, I can only imagine how Mrs. Incredible will age. MAMA (Make America MommyLovers Again)

The latest theory sweeping Tik-Tok: Gingers are Black. Does that make Spencer Rattler the biggest DEI hire of all time or does it cancel out? Genuinely confused by this stuff.

Cannes announces new dress code banning red carpet nudity. Bianca Censori’s impact is so massive, they literally have to change the rules to stop her. Wilt level dominance.

Gotta give it up for Andrew Dutton, who led D3 Birmingham-Southern to the 2024 CWS, joined Auburn after his school’s program shut down, served as a first base coach and then hit a HR in his first at-bat of the year. On senior night. Full body chills.

All-time video from this NJ firefighter who confronts his cheating wife at his birthday party. Really sucks that he had to see the other guy’s “skinny little pale, white dick.” Little curious about how that one happened, but I’ll check back later.

MISSING MALAYSIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT FOUND?

If anyone was going to find that sucker, it was gonna be these three heroes after 12 beers each. Another mystery solved. Well done as always. Worth the watch.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

The alligator from Happy Gilmore died this week at the age of 80. I can only assume he perished after he broke the long-standing treaty and entered hippo territory. There goes hundreds of years of peace in the savannah. Now we have to go to the mattresses.

RIP to a legend, but that’s how life works. It’s called the food chain, not Adam and Steve. I don’t really get expressions but hippos rock. I’m out.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Finally, we found the real reason GTA 6 was delayed for so long. Take your time, sir. Greatness cannot be rushed.

• Read this on your lunch break: My Brain Finally Broke.

• Really been loving “If You See Me In Quahog” content lately. This is what the Internet should be (and ways to cheat in school + porn.)

• Liver King has a documentary on Netflix. Here’s 5 key takeaways from Rolling Stone so you don’t have to watch it.

• The new Madden movie looks so goddam good. Nic Cage (John Madden) and Christian Bale (Al Davis) battling it out for who can out-commit? Sign me up.

• It’s Hump Day. Let’s throw it all the way back to the 2008 Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony. Goddam electric factory.

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